R.I.Paradise MJ

Thanks MJ for everything that you have done in the music industry and for humanitarianism.
I still can't believe that you are gone.
Even though I did not know you personally, you were involved in every aspect of my life through song.
You will truly be missed.

A little late, now never

Every single thing that can screw up a relationship, I have been through.
I’ve always fell victim to giving people second, third, fourth, fifth, and even sixth chances.
Maybe it is because I believe that people make honest mistakes but then again maybe it is because in actuality--it is because I think they will eventually realize the love that is standing in front of them.
Past relationships has made me very guarded and things that guys think are so smooth don’t work on me.
When it comes to taking chances on love I steer around it and try to avoid it at all costs.
I have filled the void of love by concentrating on school and my career.
My drive to better myself and to get ahead in this world has dampened the relationships that I have had with my past significant others and love prospects so I have often relied on the love of my friends and family because they have always understood.
I have only been in a few relationships but all of them have been over a 2 years. I have looked at each one thinking about the long run but things happen and paths end up paved in the opposite directions.
With every relationship failed, I have recollected myself and have pieced everything back together but the walls around my heart grew higher and my guards reinforced.
I tried to keep a secret to myself but feelings formed.
I asked questions and my interest grew.
Priorities and fear intertwined which held me back.
But I built up the courage to take a risk that I have never taken before.
I placed my heart up on a stage for this one person, our friends and for curious onlookers to see.
I risked it by allowing my heart to be so vulnerable without knowing the other person that well and with no preconceived knowledge of how the other person felt, it is like almost asking to be publicly humiliated—walking in blind. but...
It was now or never.
I prepared myself for his words of rejection but little did I know I was the center of disappointment.
A million things raced through my head as I tried to explain where I was coming from.
Suggestions, enlightenment, and hypothetical questions have been brought up repeatedly from more than one source yet everything came down to he and I.
The stories that I have heard were true when we spoke, his mindset sounded similar to mine.
It is hard to go on a hunch that you are unsure of in the first place.
It just happened and I just did not want to look back at this opportunity and regret not doing anything about it…
But…I gave a little too late.
Even though things did not pan out, I have to remember that things happen for a reason and that I tried to offer all that I've got to his table.
I’m disappointed at myself for letting my fear get the best of me.
Maybe things would have been different, maybe.
But then again I just need to pick up the pieces and move forward.
This hits me hard because I’m never the type to chase and yet when I finally decide to pursue, it becomes a case of trial and error.
People were put into your life for a reason and maybe he is my omen of “you never know until you try.”
Wrong timing? Without a doubt.
What was I thinking? With my heart.
Heartbroken? Unexpectedly.


If YOU are reading this:
Take a chance like I have. I know that you are trying to protect yourself but you will be missing out in ways, I guess...because I missed out on getting to know you better. I’ve learned a lesson from this. I truly hope you find success and happiness in all that you do. When you do find someone that you feel you can share your heart with, I hope they realize what a great man you are and see the qualities that I fell hard for.

Things Fall Apart..

Things have been real crazy and a constant quote has been running through my head.
“good things fall apart in order for better things to come together.”
Soul searching is what I need.
Time for me, where I just sit on the beach and watch the sunset by myself.
I leave my TV job next week and its something that needs to be done, not by my choice but by choice for the better, school has to come first—year and half to go.
MA in hand! Hopefully.
Didn’t care about the money, didn’t ask for benefits because in the end, I loved what I did. How many people can say that they love going to their job every single day?
I feel like I’m kissing my dream job goodbye but things happen for a reason.
At least the bff from SD was here when everything went down, damn I miss her already.
Bffs since the first grade, you can’t get any tighter than that. LOL.
We for sure drank the BS down and hopped around. In the end of it all, the BS didn’t matter—good company and good times was all we needed.
I finally grew balls and did something that I’ve never done before.
I attempted to overcome one of my fears but damn, rejection hurts. LOL!
Oh well, you just got to get back up, dust off and move forward with your head held high.
Standards v.s. Preferences.
I’ve learned a lot about myself this past week and have had some things said to my face that I never thought would be said.
But it opened my eyes a bit, thanks Ian.
Even though Christian had to hold me back – that shit had truth ring to it.
Wish you picked a better place to tell me all that crap, cause it made me note that I need to let stuff like that go and to aim high.
You got a punk ass way of joking about it when we all knew you meant it. Haha!
Had my phone break, my car damaged, while working constantly/absurd shifts.
Can anything else go wrong..ahhh! haha!
Family is down for vacay and damn it made me realize how much I missed my mom and pops from VA.
Pops stuffing money in my pocket under the table while mom still offers her shoulder to lean on while rubbing my head as I start to get sleepy. I love my grandparents. :)
Change is inevitable but do we welcome it with open arms?
Some no. Me sort of, depends.
But I’ve realized that pain is only temporary and that what they say is true..what doesnt kill you will only make you stronger.



You're telling me I got a lot to gain
And this feeling that I feel its only temporary pain
But when a heart is breaking dont they all just break the same?
Im no exception to the simple rules that have already been laid

Time Flys...

Time passes by so fast. As we get older the faster it seems to fly. It is weird how in time a lot of things change in the essence as well. Your surroundings change, your company changes, your trends change, and people change. In somewhat, not all things are bad during the cycle of change but it made me realize how time is really of the essence when it comes your happiness.

I stumbled across a letter that one of my best friends had written me for my high school graduation. As I think about it, we were really close but it seemed that after high school, we seemed to run out things to talk about and that soon faded into no communication at all. It made me think about all the things I’ve ever wanted to do but never had the time to accomplish due to time constraints. It’s not that I don’t value time, its just that I feel like I don’t have enough of it to do everything that I need to do and that seems to effect my relationships with other people.

Working 8-16 hour shifts have been killing me but its better to be constantly on the grind making money to pay for the bills, right? This morning I did some jobs over the internet for work but called off my morning shift at the financial firm all because I’ve been running on only a few hours of sleep. I thought about it long and hard and lately I’ve been running on 5 or less hours of sleep. I constantly have things on my mind, constantly prepping things or working on things while my friends go out and party the night away or enjoy the summer heat at the beach. People think just because I get paid to party it up in the clubs that one of my job is so glamorous but what they don’t realize is that the amount of good shots that I get is what makes my paycheck and going out to the clubs screws up my body clock since I have a day job. The job is fun but I have to hustle to get paid.

I’ve got a lot on my plate with the various different jobs but I just wish that I could slow time down for a bit, just so that I can enjoy things just a little bit longer. I contacted that one long lost friend that wrote me that one graduation letter and we said that we would meet up to reconnect but we will see if time permits that. :/

A lot of things on my plate, just trying to consume it all.

“Who needs sleep. We can rest when we die.”