I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.' It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
When 2011 started, I went into the year with an attitude of optimism and hope. However this crazy roller coaster of a life decided to take me on several detours and unplanned drops. I thought that I was well prepared to enter the new year with the lessons learned from the previous but as it panned out, life had more things to teach me.
I was blessed to be surrounded by wonderful people this year. I had to bid a due to some but I was able to create new relationships while being able to strengthen existing ones. When people cross your path in life, I believe it is in contribution for a bigger purpose. Sometimes the purpose is unknown at the current moment and sometimes the overlay of paths vary in length but there are things that people teach you; it helps build your character but it also helps tear down your walls of ignorance. Many of us often forget that we are not perfect and in the end, we are all human.
Along with the wonderful people were the beautiful experiences. A wise man told me "do not lose the romance of life." So, I pushed myself more than ever to take leaps of faith. We all want something to better ourselves but we are often scared of the unknown. I put myself out there and put myself in the most vulnerable situations. I didn't have time to be scared because when it comes to something that you really want in life, the worst thing that can happen is that you are told no. Rejection prepares you for something better and gives you motivation to strive for better. Rejection and determination this year helped me reinvent my craft, helped my career, allowed me to travel and helped me create memories that I will never forget.
I learned to not get lost in the crowd, to stick to my beliefs and to never forget my worth. I feel that once you lose who you are, you lose the essence of what you been striving for and you lose vision of the person that you have been working to become. I've worked 50+ hour weeks and it became a breath of fresh air to take a personal day, filling in my own agenda with things that I really wanted to do. Money is an essential tool to function in this world but it isn't an essential piece to achieve happiness.
I had my heart broken this year but I also learned how to open my heart in ways I never knew. I cried tears of sadness this year but also smiled with tears of happiness. I went to hell only to be brought back to life and I fell down hard only to get back up to work even harder. All in all, this past year was full of passion and love.
I know that 2012 has more things to bestow upon me and I'm looking forward to every second of that roller coaster ride of a life. "It should never take you a new year to realize that you need to change something." Life will not wait for you so don't second guess yourself, take a risk and seize every moment that comes your way. I promise you, you won't regret it.
"I won't worry and I won't waste my time. Don't let the days go by...breathe in each moment, you can find hope."
I recently just went to Europe for two weeks. I must say that it was the most life changing experience of my life. I told myself that after I finished graduate school that I would visit one country a year, with this trip I was able to visit five . I ate good food, met new people and saw things that I have only seen in history books. I can't say it enough but my mind, body and soul needed this. This gave me an opportunity to just simply be me with no itinerary and by no rules but mine. As I traveled during this trip, I also was able to reflect. Reflect on my life; reflecting where my life had been, where it is now and where I want to go...with the people that I need to leave behind while continuing with selective ones through this journey called life. Below is a a piece that I wrote that basically shows what was going through my mind during the best two weeks of my life.
Your mind is racing, planning out tomorrow, the week, the month.
Buying valuable time that you can't even afford.
Too worried about what the future may hold from the decisions that you make today.
Yet too scared to re-live the mistakes of the past.
Letting people auction off your self-worth, bit by bit.
Playing the blame game by substituting luxury with joy that is only temporary.
Listen to me when I say that your soul can't stop searching because what you've been looking for is right in front of you.
So stop running baby.
Just. Stand. Still.
It's the simple things that you tend to forget
Don't seek cover when it rains, dance in it and let it wash away all of your sorrows.
Leave what has been designated as your priorities behind and drive.
Steer aimelessly with your inner conscious deciding your destination.
Focus on nothing but the beautiful that is you.
Greet the sun and let it caress every inch of you.
Close your eyes and just breathe.
If you must, let out all that you have manifested.
Let your tears run with the ocean.
Smirk at yourself as you gaze into the horizon.
Indulge in your blessings, listen to your heart and find enlightenment in the shades of gray.
Because your are capable of anything that you set out to do.
Don't settle baby, just don't.
Stop dreaming and stop wondering of how it's suppose to be.
Take the lead and create the unthinkable. Because you deserve so much more, it's just up to you if you believe that you deserve it to.
Stay tuned to nonstophonolulu.com, as I bring you exclusive blogs and photos of the trip.
Sometimes when times get hard, we look at ourselves and ask the question "why?" Why are we put into this life, in this position and at this given time. We ponder and think to ourselves, "what am I doing wrong?" when we don't get what we want, when we want it. In reality there is nothing wrong with us. Many of us have dreams, aspirations and goals whether it is short or long-term. However, life does not come easy and without the tribulations, there can be no triumphs.
Many times we don't recognize our potential because we are too busy being self critics. Looking at our faults and nit picking at our weaknesses, we slowly start becoming pessimists instead of optimists. We tend to forget that no one is entirely perfect and that we are blessed in our own individual ways. Everyone has a chance to be something great and share that greatness with the people around them. They say that laughter is contagious, well I've said that sharing love is infectious. People often don't know that it is the little things that can make a person feel special, ease a situation, leaving someone with an impression that will embedd into their memories. We all may have different missions in this lifetime but I know one thing is for sure, we were all meant to share what we embody...our ideas, our talents and our hearts.
I know that each and every one of us try to strive for the best in life because we all deserve the best that life has to offer. It is all entirely up to us on how we want to achieve our dreams because after all, we are in control of our own lives. We are constantly trying to search for the best because often times, we want to out do ourselves and we tend to think that there is better and bigger after each accomplishment. However, what if we thought of things in a different perspective.Instead of striving to get the best out of life, why don't we strive to give life the best out of us. There is the saying that we reap what we sow, but what about us thinking of it in retrospect to where we we teach other people how to reap as well, so that we can reap dreams of building a better tomorrow.
As corny as that may sound, all of us has something to give. Because in the end, there’s a lot more you can offer the world than the world can offer you.
"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore. "
- Lady Gaga
Cosmopolitan March 2010 Issue
My friends sometimes think that I spread myself too thin and all of my exs can tell you that I've got that competitive hustle, sometimes too much for my own good and sanity. While my career-oriented mindset has not affected my friendships, it has often times affected my personal relationships.
The industry that I have decided to follow can sometimes be called a "thank-less" job. Although that may be the case at times, I've always followed the wise words of Confucius: "find a career that you love so that you won't have to work a day in your life." Even though the harsh realities of my industry can be exhausting, the love and hate relationship with it falls mostly in love. There were times back in the day and even sometimes now, where people ask for work "favors." Knowing that I'm not going to get anything in return, if my schedule and ability is able...then I take it on. My significant others never understood why but I never asked them to comprehend it all. Coming from an immigrant family, hard work is in our blood. Even though I have put my work assignments before family gatherings at times, my family has always understood the importance of my work, most of all they have always understood my passion for it.
The exs knew I indulged myself in my work but didn't know just how deep. In every relationship that I have been in, I have always gotten into arguments over my work schedule. Working well over 50 hours a week, it was frustrating to come home to words of: "you are hardly home," "when are we going to spend time?," or the famous line because I'm so tired that I don't want to cuddle.."you don't love me anymore." As much as I wanted my former men to want my affection, making me feel guilty about it just became irritating at times, sometimes like white noise.
It was often hard when I felt like I had to choose between love for a guy and my career. Even though these guys knew where I wanted to be, they never quite understood just how determined I was until it was too late into the relationship. Every break up ended up with them saying that I loved my job more than them and that I was being selfish. As heartbreaking as it was then, I know that if I were in their shoes, I would have said this: "I wish you nothing but success in all that your pursue. I love you enough to let you go so that you can pursue the dreams that you had before us. I can only hope that our paths will cross again someday but I know that I'd rather have you leave to find out what can be instead of having you stay and wonder what if."
Because I'll never hold someone back. I'd rather have them chase their dreams then chase our love. Like my homie Wale would say "I love the person that you are, but I'm in love with the person that you have potential to be." So even though love can be my kryptonite, I'd rather have someone push me to be the superwoman that I have yet to become...even if it meant leaving the both of us with broken hearts and even if it meant our heartache being the cost of teaching us the lesson of selfless love. So to my loves that can feel me on this entry, I'll tell you this: Live to fulfill your dreams and keep pushing till your heart feels that you have made your mark in this world. Don't let anyone change you or tell you otherwise because it takes patience to stick by a determined person…and it takes real love to interpret a person's intimidation or confidence as pure ambition.
The announcer reminded the crowd, "15 minutes till midnight!" Sure there were familiar faces at the event but I was on the clock and had no time to socialize. There I was with the camera in hand, snapping photos of people surrounded by the ones that they care about. These party goers were enjoying themselves. Maybe it was the drink specials, the music, the venue, the thousands of people there, the fact that they were there to end an old year and ring in a new one...I'm not too sure what it was but there was good-feel vibe.
As the minutes ticked, I made my way up to the top balcony and sat down for a little. I reviewed the pictures that were on my camera and looked around. There I was by myself for the 3rd year in a row. I thought about how I spent the previous New Years, all of them working. Do I regret it? Not at all but New Years is my favorite holiday and all these years when the clock strikes, I've been spending them alone.
As the announcer shouted, "5 more minutes till 2011!," I took my place with a fellow photographer as we updated our twitter accounts.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Happy New Year!
Photo taken by me for nonstophonolulu.com at Aloha Tower.
As everyone turned to the ones that they loved to say bye to 2010, I could hear murmurs of joy. As my shutter captured New Years kisses and hugs, at midnight for a short three seconds--I closed my eyes and I made a promise to myself. Often times in life, we turn to the ones that we love to celebrate or to confined the happiest and lowest moments of our lives. As I stood there alone while everyone had someone, I told myself this is a new year. No resolutions of eating less junk food, saving money or even weight lost this new year. This year will be a year of gain. A year to gain knowledge, experience, and life lessons. I thought about all of things that I have gone through during 2010 and boy was it a roller coaster. Through the pummels I still had a lot to be proud about. Just finished a Master degree, stronger relationships with the people that I love, new beginnings with people that were placed in my life for a reason and most of all memories that will forever be etched in my heart.
My promise:
To make this year, MY YEAR.
To never give up when times get hard.
To push myself beyond my assumptions.
To make my dreams come true.
And the only way I will be able to do it is if I just be me.
No one will get you to where you want to be but yourself.
"On the road to riches don't forget to stop and take pictures. Cause life ain't about where you finish but what you've learned along the way."
because there are so many reason why I love you. because of you I love the way you are and the person you want to become. because of you I'm fearless of where this uncertain road will take me. because of you I feel beautiful with no make-up and just your t-shirt on. because of you I feel like anything is possible. because of you I look at my imperfections as trademarks of my unique soul. because of you I react off of compassion as a way to help better our surroundings, our world. because of you I don't need security, when our hands clasp reassurance is evident. because of you when we lay at night, your warmth is all I need in this cold world. because of you I push myself to the ends of the earth because I know you won't let me quit on life. because of you words can't define our love, I can simply see it in your eyes and feel it in my heart. because of you material things don't compare to your selfless love, it is priceless. because of you I'm the person that I'am today.
and when I make my mark in this world...it was all because of you.
"you mean so much to me, I want the world to see it's because of you. because of you my life has changed."
I swear that trash talking has elevated since social networking has been a way of communication. People that can’t say things to your face create post status updates for their whole social network to see. Have you ever experienced that? Where you know that it’s targeted towards you because who else would be their ex? or who else have they been dating? or who else have they been having disagreements with? Some say that they keep their stuff generic and then people take it personal. However, how can it be generic when there is a connotation or a word that has your name written all over it?
What’s worse is that there are friends that comment on that status update only to add to the bulk of trash talk yet they only know one-side of the story. People like that just have no class because even though as we get older, we are suppose to know better—those people still have the mentality of a grade school kid because they want to tell everyone their personal business. Who talks smack about their ex? About their baby mama? About their baby daddy? About an ex friend? About an enemy? If the incident happened so long ago and that person says that they have moved on then why these posts? Maybe they need some support to justify their actions or maybe they want to shed the light of them being the "better" person. Some may say that this blog is a contradiction of this post. However, I have never named anyone and I simply keep it generic to the point where anyone can relate to the posts. That is the difference.
So what if you see status updates of: “He didn’t pay child support today,” “She was late to pick up our baby,” “She is a psycho ex, I want to delete her out of my life,” “He is such a bad boyfriend, he treats me so bad.” Before you go agreeing on someone’s post because you know the logistics of the dilemma why don’t you step back and not be the naïve person that you will be when you comment on that status. Because did you know he used to hit her? That she called his new girl because someone anonymously texted her? That he up and left her after she lost their baby? That she was caught up in an over-time shift? That maybe it’s because he was saving up to buy the bike that your son has always wanted? Just remember that there are always two-sides to a story so don’t be so quick to jump the gun.
Unlike some people, my friends tell me straight when I’ll be acting a fool, when I have given someone more chances than deserved and tell me what’s best for both people in the conflicted situation even if it means not getting what I thought was suitable. Just remember you cannot control what a person does but you can control how you react. So when someone has something bad to say about you on the internet or to your face, let them do what they have to do to make them feel adequate with their lives.
Let them tell their entire friends list of the wrongs that you have done or lies about you. You know the truth, you know what happened and you don’t need to parade around for anyone because you don’t owe anyone anything, you only owe it to yourself to be the better person. Let them call you names because people that spend so much time talking about situations that don’t directly involve them, just shows you that they love concentrating on other people’s faults instead of trying to improve their own personal demons. Let them say that you are pulling the victim card because the true meaning of acting like a victim, seem to fit the criteria of telling the whole world that they were done wrong by a person's actions just so that they can receive sympathy from the people that are willing to listen. We are too old to be pointing fingers and to be playing the blame game. Come on now. Accept what has happened and move on because the more you talk about it, the more you concentrate on it, the more it shows that you are not over it.
I don't know all the lessons of life but I know this: Life is too short to be concentrating on the bad things that has happened to you in life or the people that have betrayed you. You shouldn't be concentrating on something that is counter-productive. Ignore the noise so that you can concentrate on the melody. People come and go while life shifts you up and down. Things happen for a reason and it is all up to you on how you adjust.
..."I been through the storm. Had dirt on my name. I'm still holding on, champion of the game.Whatever don't kill you make you stronger...See I done a whole lotta growin'. You can bet your last that my head won't hit the floor. never, and I'm still standing"...
"My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force. I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsibility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."
- Elaine Maxwell
This is for every girl who managed to stay strong after a bad break up. After waiting countless nights for him to text or to call, for always being so patient and understanding, and who thought that through the pain that love would pull through.
This is for the girl who held it down through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
This is for the girlwho swallowed their pride, held back the tears, and bit their lip through the pain.
This is for the girl who put their man before their own selfishness, even if it was the selfishness of keeping their man close.
This is for the girl who watched the person they love love someone else.
This is for the girl who went the extra mile, who dressed up, put on a little makeup, put in a little effort just to impress.
This is for the girl who thought they could spend forever with their man.
This is for the girl who dreamed of the perfect house, kids, and dog.
This is for the girl who still can't imagine growing old with any other.
This is for the girl who gave it their all, and who still would give it up after all this time.
This post is for you ladies, no matter how painful the struggle of love is, don't forget that you are beautiful, and that you possess the greatest gift that somebody could ever receive.
Another random trip completed, more lessons learned. From San Francisco to San Diego to Los Angeles and to Vegas, the fun times over powered the heartache that followed soon after and over a span of a couple of weeks.
This trip opened my eyes and made me realize the uniqueness of each person that I have in my life. I ran through the list of people that life has chosen for me and not only has this pondering made me appreciate their efforts in keeping our relationship alive but it has made me appreciate them for who they entirely are. They say that the people that don’t really matter will eventually fade out. However, I’m grateful for the people that have walked in and have walked out because it has taught me thatit’s not about quantity but the qualityof people that you surround yourself with.
I believe that the love you have for someone is one of the most unselfish things that you could probably give anyone because you both offer a piece of yourselves in hopes that it is an even trade.The relationships that you build with these certain individuals are not only built on trust, honesty, and love but it is also built on flaws and imperfections that make your relationship entirely and solely one of a kind.
It makes you appreciate the friend that may seem like the group f*ck up because inside you know that even though they haven’t made the best life decisions--no matter how intense the heat may be, they are probably the most loyal friend out of the group and will thrown down with you if someone were to step on your toes. It makes you appreciate the friend that is not afraid to tell you things like a straight shot of warm patron with no lime or salt. At least you know that they are being totally honest with you, even it means hurting your feelings because you know that they are just trying to give you another perspective and a reality check all together.
Or the friend that you know will stand by you despite the disagreements or the physical distance because you know that they will be the very one to fly out for your birthday three years in a row, guide you through whatever when you seem to have lost your directions, will tuck you into bed after a long night of alcoholic sampling while soaking in your bile, and will be the first one to lend an ear when you feel like the world seems to misunderstand your good intentions—all because for you their love is unconditional.
It makes you appreciate even that one person that you probably haven’t talked to you in years. You know that despite the lack of communication, just one lunch date with them will remind you that they are still in your corner after all these years—encouraging your dreams and aspirations because they knew what you are capable of way before you could even recognize it within yourself. Or that one person that you probably have hurt by rejection—they still chose to remain in contact with you even though you have broken their heart. You know that everything that you folks have gone through have only made you two stronger. Through the pain and heartache that you may have caused they still value your opinion, presence and appreciate your extension of love even it means just being friends.
The friend that can’t seem to stop talking about old diners, history, and scientific things that don’t seem to really fancy you. Yet you appreciate their strong curious spirit because they are the very person that will drive straight from the club to sin city with you after a long night of drunkenness, will help conquer your fear of heights by riding the Stratosphere’s Big Shot with you and is the very person that will remind you that you only live once.
What about the person that you seem to have a love/hate relationship with? You know that despite the drama, the words that you two may seem to want to take back and the tug of war of emotions...At the end of the day there is no other person that has a stronger will to keep you in their lives because with each round that you shoot out (even when your have aimed at their bulls-eye time and time again)--their love remains bulletproof to it all. All because they would risk the fall with you just so they could experience how it feels to fly high alongside with you.
To all of the people that are still in my life, I know that sometimes we may not see eye to eye, we may only call each other once a month, we may be living in totally different worlds or we may be living in the same state but I haven’t seen you in years---just know that I have not forgotten about you. I’m still here for you if you need me, I’ve never left you. I have always had your back and I have always been here to help break your fall. My loves… thank you for giving me an even trade of yourself without being an Indian giver, for holding my hand while sheltering me from rain and for the priceless memories that have been unforgettable—simply because it was shared with you. I look forward to the many more years that are being granted to us and for the many adventures that still await us.
"In a world that seems to get colder &colder. don't you worry cause my love will only get stronger & stronger...Cause I'm gonna love you, gonna hold you through it all"
I just can't seem to grasp it but it is November already. This year is going by so fast. So much to do in such little time. School and work has occupied mose of my time. I have been so MIA from everything but this world had embraced my crazy life. As we get to eat that lovely turkey, stuffing and pumpkin crunch...there is so much to be thankful for. Despite my never ending list of things to improve or want, I'm grateful for everything this holiday season.
I'm thankful for my family. They are my foundation and the core of my existence. Thankful for my parentsbecause I know that I'm not a great obedient daughter but thank you for raising me to be as strong. Thankful for my friends. Like a second family that seems to add a new member constantly, thank you for your love and the memories. For the ones that I have known since the first grade to the ones that I have met on my many random trips, thank you for inviting me into your life. For the lessons learned to the lessons soon to be learned, we have helped each other get through it because that is what friends do. My goodness the list goes on and on. I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful for a jobthat I love because times are changing, people are facing economic hardships during these uncertain times and I'm grateful that I have something to help pay the bills. I'm thankful for my education because some people around the world don't even have the freedom to learn about the world around them. I'm grateful for having the opportunity to have met and learn from people from all walks of life, teaching me priceless knowledge. I'm thankful for the hardships & heartache because the the sweet aint as sweet without the bitter, practice makes perfect, and better things fall apart in order for better things to come together. I'm thankful for this life and for everything in it. I know that there are people around the world that have greater and worse circumstances but in the end, I'm grateful.
It was my brother's birthday and we havent seen each other in a hot minute. He was the one that held my hand as I bought my first guitar. Let alone taught me how to play my first song, “more than words.” Taking pictures of Humpback whales with him back in the day was not easy at all for me but he is the reason why I love photography so much. He saw me at my worst, picked me up when I fell, and most importantly told me the truth even if it made me cry more.
If I were to describe him in one word, “generous.” He lives a busy life. Putting on different hats as a photographer for one of our local newspapers, musician (plays in 3 bands), and boyfriend to his girl. Although even with his busy schedule, he still makes time to reach out. Every time I needed to vent or in his words whine, he was there. Since he is getting older and have been experimenting with his cooking skills, I always seem to see his pictures with wine in hand. It reminded me of his annoying saying after every talking session, “do you want cheese with your whine?” So what did I get him for his birthday you ask? One bottle of red and white wine. Haha.
From career to personal life issues, it was always great to hear his perspective on things because mind you, he is a wise ol’ man that has seen and experienced a lot of things. Lol. However whatever decision I have made, whether good or bad, he has stood by me to see me make it out through the storm. I can honestly say he has been the only one that has pushed me over the borderlines of what I thought was capable. I thought to myself for a second that it could be because he has known me for so long and has seen what I could do. He has seen me grow up and has seen me when my will had been defeated yet has seen me glorified during my triumphs.
It was not until I met someone who is also in the media industry as well. He works with a different medium and different market from me. When I first met him it was a shaky start but once I found out he was in the industry, we hit it off real quick. During these uncertain economic times, it is hard for media folks to hold on to their jobs. Its been rough for a lot of people. People having to deal with layoffs, pay cuts, or even losing the entire organization as whole because of financial instability. However people in the media industry are not intimidated and are making ends to survive.
The new person and I have conversed about future plans. We look at the positives of not being totally immersed as we used to because in the media industry it is a love and hate relationship. Always learning something new, everyday being inconsistent from the previous, being in the know, and working with great people that are dedicated to their craft—now that is what we love about the industry. Having to cancel appointments or decline RSVPs, the sleepless nights, always on the go, and not being able to spend quality time with the loved ones—that is the dislike. Now that we are out of the loop a little, we are able to catch up on all that we have missed these past years and realize that what we had been missing was taken for granted.
We are both on the same path to make it in this world despite the given circumstances of our industry. This person barely knows me yet is totally in sync with my mind set. From work representations to exemplifying good character, I know in my mind that this person is going to make it. That is why i say that things happen for a reason. Who would have known. He has made me see things in a new light and we both know that in the end...even though some things aren't guaranteed, we will be fulfilled just by knowing that we gave it a shot. Together we have encountered so many opportunities and have exchanged hesitation with encouragement.
It got me thinking, everyone has that one person that pushes them to do just a little bit more and a little bit better more than one time around. Whether a stranger or a life-time friend, who knew that having patience and taking the time to listen could go a long way. If you got someone that has done this for you, let them know that you appreciate them for believing in you when no else did.
“Nobody knows your limits better than you do, but every once in awhile somebody will question all you know and they will push you for the better.”
Things have been real crazy and a constant quote has been running through my head. “good things fall apart in order for better things to come together.” Soul searching is what I need. Time for me, where I just sit on the beach and watch the sunset by myself. I leave my TV job next week and its something that needs to be done, not by my choice but by choice for the better, school has to come first—year and half to go. MA in hand! Hopefully. Didn’t care about the money, didn’t ask for benefits because in the end, I loved what I did. How many people can say that they love going to their job every single day? I feel like I’m kissing my dream job goodbye but things happen for a reason. At least the bff from SD was here when everything went down, damn I miss her already. Bffs since the first grade, you can’t get any tighter than that. LOL. We for sure drank the BS down and hopped around. In the end of it all, the BS didn’t matter—good company and good times was all we needed. I finally grew balls and did something that I’ve never done before. I attempted to overcome one of my fears but damn, rejection hurts. LOL! Oh well, you just got to get back up, dust off and move forward with your head held high. Standards v.s. Preferences. I’ve learned a lot about myself this past week and have had some things said to my face that I never thought would be said. But it opened my eyes a bit, thanks Ian. Even though Christian had to hold me back – that shit had truth ring to it. Wish you picked a better place to tell me all that crap, cause it made me note that I need to let stuff like that go and to aim high. You got a punk ass way of joking about it when we all knew you meant it. Haha! Had my phone break, my car damaged, while working constantly/absurd shifts. Can anything else go wrong..ahhh! haha! Family is down for vacay and damn it made me realize how much I missed my mom and pops from VA. Pops stuffing money in my pocket under the table while mom still offers her shoulder to lean on while rubbing my head as I start to get sleepy. I love my grandparents. :) Change is inevitable but do we welcome it with open arms? Some no. Me sort of, depends. But I’ve realized that pain is only temporary and that what they say is true..what doesnt kill you will only make you stronger.
You're telling me I got a lot to gain And this feeling that I feel its only temporary pain But when a heart is breaking dont they all just break the same? Im no exception to the simple rules that have already been laid
Time passes by so fast. As we get older the faster it seems to fly. It is weird how in time a lot of things change in the essence as well. Your surroundings change, your company changes, your trends change, and people change. In somewhat, not all things are bad during the cycle of change but it made me realize how time is really of the essence when it comes your happiness.
I stumbled across a letter that one of my best friends had written me for my high school graduation. As I think about it, we were really close but it seemed that after high school, we seemed to run out things to talk about and that soon faded into no communication at all. It made me think about all the things I’ve ever wanted to do but never had the time to accomplish due to time constraints. It’s not that I don’t value time, its just that I feel like I don’t have enough of it to do everything that I need to do and that seems to effect my relationships with other people.
Working 8-16 hour shifts have been killing me but its better to be constantly on the grind making money to pay for the bills, right? This morning I did some jobs over the internet for work but called off my morning shift at the financial firm all because I’ve been running on only a few hours of sleep. I thought about it long and hard and lately I’ve been running on 5 or less hours of sleep. I constantly have things on my mind, constantly prepping things or working on things while my friends go out and party the night away or enjoy the summer heat at the beach. People think just because I get paid to party it up in the clubs that one of my job is so glamorous but what they don’t realize is that the amount of good shots that I get is what makes my paycheck and going out to the clubs screws up my body clock since I have a day job. The job is fun but I have to hustle to get paid.
I’ve got a lot on my plate with the various different jobs but I just wish that I could slow time down for a bit, just so that I can enjoy things just a little bit longer. I contacted that one long lost friend that wrote me that one graduation letter and we said that we would meet up to reconnect but we will see if time permits that. :/
A lot of things on my plate, just trying to consume it all.
Now that summer is officially here, I've been spending more time with family. People would think that since school is out, that I would be letting loose but working 16-hour days have worn me out a bit.
After a workout session, My cousin and I went and ate Genki. After that we ate some yogurt.
We had some interesting conversation topics and it hit me when she said, "you make the game into an art." I've noticed that since I was 15, I've worked my ass off in order to take care of myself and my responsibilities. I've always been so caught up in the hustle that sometimes I've never stopped to smell the flowers, to pause for a bit and appreciate the little things. Spending time with family these past couple weeks have made be realize that no matter who breaks my heart, with all of my flaws, no matter what happens, they will always be there--to love me unconditionally.
My cousin also noted that I always have to be doing something because it makes me feel as if "I'm being productive." That may be the case but as I think about it, I'm constantly on the grind because it keeps me occupied and sometimes it fills the void of not having a significant other. However, what i fear the most is that I will be where I want to be career-wise and I will be there all alone--no one to share it with. But what can I say, things like love have become more complicated as I've got older and rarely do you find genuine people that want to know the real you without having alternative motives. My cousin (who is also my best friend) says that I get bored easily which is true but its because I have to be stimulated intellectually. In the end if a person and I can hours of wonderful conversation over topics that go up and down the range, then you got me on the hook. Because appearance can fade, the financial situation can disintegrate, and people can only talk so much. For me countless conversation leads to trust because conversation reveals so much about a person and gives you an idea of why they are the way they are.
"when it hits, you have to make it worth the fall"
I'm that girl that will be the only one kicking with the boys. A curious mind constantly trying to find things to be enlightened. With eyes like a camera’s shutter and a thought process of a journalist. A girl that swears her life is way more exciting away from her little island of paradise they call Hawaii Nei’ yet knows that there are no other destinations that will never ever compare. A free spirit that tries to look for constant positives in this inconsistent world of ours. A girl that dances to this weird off-tempo beat and loving every second of it.
