Liquid Confessions (Part 4)

(continued from Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)

As much I want to admit that I'm happier, there are little things that seem to pull me back. I swear that he is amazing, but he just doesn't get it. Well he gets it, I guess he just doesn't get it like how you did. It's not his fault, he just needs to get used to it or am I just lying to myself?

It's been a couple weeks since we last talked and I understand that you are out there working to build your reputation, your foundation and most of all you are out there perfecting your craft. It's nice to be able to have normal conversations where we don't bicker about the past. It's nice to have someone that knows where you have been and and is proud to see where you are currently at. It's nice to move forward with someone by your side, encouraging you every step of the way.

With us, we have finally come to terms that even though we will never get back together; that we have each other's back.  Because the past was meant to happen and we had to go through it in order to bring us where we are today. We may not be in the position where we thought we would be but at the same time, it's nice to know that you are still here with me.

As I'm sink my feet in the sand and close my eyes, my short time of relaxation is abruptly interrupted. So I look onward as the sun bids the skies farewell.

"What's cooking good looking?"
"Nothing much, just on the beach."
"Soaking up some sun I see."
"No, just came to hear the ocean."
"If you went to hear the ocean, that can only mean one thing. Everything ok?"
"Just thinking things through; about love, my career, you know...life."
"Well you are a good person. Don't think too hard."
"Yeah, I try not to over think, I can only hope that it's right."


We have known each other for so long that we get each other. We don't have to say what we are pertaining to or even explain ourselves. You can tell by my use or words that something is on my mind and when I look into your eyes, I already know how your heart feels. As we said our goodbyes, you abstractly ended the conversation letting me know that in the end you will always care.




"Tell me have you heard that lately? I’m just sayin’ you could do better."

Farewell 2011

When 2011 started, I went into the year with an attitude of optimism and hope. However this crazy roller coaster of a life decided to take me on several detours and unplanned drops. I thought that I was well prepared to enter the new year with the lessons learned from the previous but as it panned out, life had more things to teach me.

I was blessed to be surrounded by wonderful people this year. I had to bid a due to some but I was able to  create new relationships while being able to strengthen existing ones. When people cross your path in life, I believe it is in contribution for a bigger purpose. Sometimes the purpose is unknown at the current moment and sometimes the overlay of paths vary in length but there are things that people teach you; it helps build your character but it also helps tear down your walls of ignorance. Many of us often forget that we are not perfect and in the end, we are all human.

Along with the wonderful people were the beautiful experiences. A wise man told me "do not lose the romance of life." So, I pushed myself more than ever to take leaps of faith. We all want something to better ourselves but we are often scared of the unknown. I put myself out there and put myself in the most vulnerable situations. I didn't have time to be scared because when it comes to something that you really want in life, the worst thing that can happen is that you are told no. Rejection prepares you for something better and gives you motivation to strive for better. Rejection and determination this year helped me reinvent my craft, helped my career, allowed me to travel and helped me create memories that I will never forget.

I learned to not get lost in the crowd, to stick to my beliefs and to never forget my worth. I feel that once you lose who you are, you lose the essence of what you been striving for and you lose vision of the person that you have been working to become. I've worked 50+ hour weeks and it became a breath of fresh air to take a personal day, filling in my own agenda with things that I really wanted to do. Money is an essential tool to function in this world but it isn't an essential piece to achieve happiness.

I had my heart broken this year but I also learned how to open my heart in ways I never knew. I cried tears of sadness this year but also smiled with tears of happiness. I went to hell only to be brought back to life and I fell down hard only to get back up to work even harder. All in all, this past year was full of passion and love.

I know that 2012 has more things to bestow upon me and I'm looking forward to every second of that roller coaster ride of a life. "It should never take you a new year to realize that you need to change something." Life will not wait for you so don't second guess yourself, take a risk and seize every moment that comes your way.  I promise you, you won't regret it.

"I won't worry and I won't waste my time. Don't let the days go by...breathe in each moment, you can find hope."

Europe Reflection

I recently just went to Europe for two weeks. I must say that it was the most life changing experience of my life. I told myself that after I finished graduate school that I would visit one country a year, with this trip I was able to visit five . I ate good food, met new people and saw things that I have only seen in history books. I can't say it enough but my mind, body and soul needed this. This gave me an opportunity to just simply be me with no itinerary and by no rules but mine. As I traveled during this trip, I also was able to reflect. Reflect on my life; reflecting where my life had been, where it is now and where I want to go...with the people that I need to leave behind while continuing with selective ones through this journey called life. Below is a a piece that I wrote that basically shows what was going through my mind during the best two weeks of my life.

Your mind is racing, planning out tomorrow, the week, the month.
Buying valuable time that you can't even afford.
Too worried about what the future may hold from the decisions that you make today.
Yet too scared to re-live the mistakes of the past.
Letting people auction off your self-worth, bit by bit.
Playing the blame game by substituting luxury with joy that is only temporary.
Listen to me when I say that your soul can't stop searching because what you've been looking for is right in front of you.
So stop running baby.
Just. Stand. Still.
It's the simple things that you tend to forget
Don't seek cover when it rains, dance in it and let it wash away all of your sorrows.
Leave what has been designated as your priorities behind and drive.
Steer aimelessly with your inner conscious deciding your destination.
Focus on nothing but the beautiful that is you.
Greet the sun and let it caress every inch of you.
Close your eyes and just breathe.
If you must, let out all that you have manifested.
Let your tears run with the ocean.
Smirk at yourself as you gaze into the horizon.
Indulge in your blessings, listen to your heart and find enlightenment in the shades of gray.
Because your are capable of anything that you set out to do.
Don't settle baby, just don't.
Stop dreaming and stop wondering of how it's suppose to be.
Take the lead and create the unthinkable.
Because you deserve so much more, it's just up to you if you believe that you deserve it to.

Stay tuned to nonstophonolulu.com, as I bring you exclusive blogs and photos of the trip.

Not That Girl

As much as you got me smitten and as much as you got me high on cloud nine, I'm just not going to be that girl. Despite our relationship and our circumstances, I'm just not going to be that girl. Wondering if you are thinking about me or worrying if I'm doing things right,   I'm just not going to be that girl. When you don't text back or answer my calls, I'm not going to be that girl that starts thinking wild visions in my head of you being intimate with someone else.

So you did me wrong and broke my heart but I'm just not going to be that girl that will take all that you have just to empower myself. I'm not going to be that girl that will destroy your possessions just so that you can see how much rage I have inside. So do both of us a favor and save your breath baby because I refuse to be that girl that soaks up all that you say. I'm not going to put you on blast for everyone to see; just so that they know the severity of your mistake because I'm mature enough not to be that girl.

I'm not going to be that girl that let's you take advantage of me. Of course I love doing nice things for you but I'm not going to be that girl that will tend to your needs at your convenience or command. So when your nights seem cold and you are lonely, think again because I'm not that girl that will fill your void. And yes, I know  the girl you did me wrong with is pretty but I'm sorry; I'm not going be that girl full of insecurities.

There are great people all around me and life is too short. With that said, I'm not going to be that girl that goes to her friends with the same broken-record love story. I'm not going to be that girl that let's a guy take all of the good away from her. I'm not going to the that girl that will give you more chances. I'm just not that girl that says it but doesn't do anything about it. I will not be that girl that allows a man to take away her dignity.

Everything you think I am, I'm sorry if I don't live up to your expectations; quite frankly I'm just not going to be that girl...you know why? because I'm better than that.


..."I see it your eyes, can't say that I'm surprised, I'm not that girl."...

Love The Way You Lie

I love the way you lie.
like when you say that this will be the last time that you...
call me names that seep into my soul.
Push me up against the wall to keep me posted because this vicinty is suffocating.
Because baby, I love the way you lie.
So re-tell those memories of when we first met.
How you knew that I was something special, how I was different from the rest.
The memories of the first time you held my hand, the first time we kissed, the first time we danced...the first time you realized that you loved me.
Tell me those lies again baby because those memories seem so long ago.
I just love the way you lie.
Like when you told me how we were going to make our dreams come true, raise a family together, grow old together.
How you said that you will always be there to listen, how you said you will always take care of me, that you will always have my back.
Little did I know, you were the very one that would turn my words against me..only to hurt me, and only to stab me in the back.
So baby, hold me down with those empty promises because I love the way you lie.
Tell me about the places we'll go and the people we'll meet.
About the dreams that are now in the past, the plans that we got for the present and the plans that we want to accomplish in the future.
Threaten me about how if I left, no one will want me. How you are the best thing I ever had and how no one can put up with my antics.
Tell me the lies of blame baby because I'll take it all.
We'll turn this love into a cold hearted war.
Push and pull. Fire set a blaze.
Lie to me baby because you are good at it.
Tell me that this is all a phase that we will be stronger, that things will get better just as long as we are together.

So as you continue to make this all hurt, kiss heartbreak on these lips and feed me all these lies...
I will continue to search for happiness within this madness and eventually walk away to learn the well deserved truth.


..."Just gonna stand there and watch me burn but that's all right because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry but that's all right because I love the way you lie."...

Lovin' For The Last Time

Because homie Jozen wrote a blog on how it would be like to be with someone for the last time, it made me think. Yeah, I agree. I would be sad, just knowing that it would be the last time being intimate with that person. It has to sting a little. However as bitter sweet as it can be, you have to make that last time memorable. Because if it's going to be the last time, you better make it so memorable that there is no way that you could deny that very moment, even if you two don't ever talk again.

The emotion, the attachment, the memories, the physical touch, the tension--it all has to add up. You want to leave on a good note and so you might as well give it all you got until you drop. Release and ease the tension a little. Then I heard this song by Britney Spears (yeah, yeah, I'm a fan) and the lyrics are EXACTLY how I would want it if it were my last time. Who knows, the last time could be so good that it might be the solution you need to reconcile your differences. ;)

..."So come on won’t you give me something to remember? Baby shut your mouth and turn me inside out. Even though we couldn’t last forever, baby. You know what I want right now."

Nothing Less Than Ambitious

"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore. "

- Lady Gaga

Cosmopolitan March 2010 Issue



My friends sometimes think that I spread myself too thin and all of my exs can tell you that I've got that competitive hustle, sometimes too much for my own good and sanity. While my career-oriented mindset has not affected my friendships, it has often times affected my personal relationships.

The industry that I have decided to follow can sometimes be called a "thank-less" job. Although that may be the case at times, I've always followed the wise words of Confucius: "find a career that you love so that you won't have to work a day in your life." Even though the harsh realities of my industry can be exhausting, the love and hate relationship with it falls mostly in love. There were times back in the day and even sometimes now, where people ask for work "favors." Knowing that I'm not going to get anything in return, if my schedule and ability is able...then I take it on. My significant others never understood why but I never asked them to comprehend it all. Coming from an immigrant family, hard work is in our blood. Even though I have put my work assignments before family gatherings at times, my family has always understood the importance of my work, most of all they have always understood my passion for it.

The exs knew I indulged myself in my work but didn't know just how deep. In every relationship that I have been in, I have always gotten into arguments over my work schedule. Working well over 50 hours a week, it was frustrating to come home to words of: "you are hardly home," "when are we going to spend time?," or the famous line because I'm so tired that I don't want to cuddle.."you don't love me anymore." As much as I wanted my former men to want my affection, making me feel guilty about it just became irritating at times, sometimes like white noise.

It was often hard when I felt like I had to choose between love for a guy and my career. Even though these guys knew where I wanted to be, they never quite understood just how determined I was until it was too late into the relationship. Every break up ended up with them saying that I loved my job more than them and that I was being selfish. As heartbreaking as it was then, I know that if I were in their shoes, I would have said this: "I wish you nothing but success in all that your pursue. I love you enough to let you go so that you can pursue the dreams that you had before us. I can only hope that our paths will cross again someday but I know that I'd rather have you leave to find out what can be instead of having you stay and wonder what if."

Because I'll never hold someone back. I'd rather have them chase their dreams then chase our love. Like my homie Wale would say "I love the person that you are, but I'm in love with the person that you have potential to be." So even though love can be my kryptonite, I'd rather have someone push me to be the superwoman that I have yet to become...even if it meant leaving the both of us with broken hearts and even if it meant our heartache being the cost of teaching us the lesson of selfless love. So to my loves that can feel me on this entry, I'll tell you this: Live to fulfill your dreams and keep pushing till your heart feels that you have made your mark in this world. Don't let anyone change you or tell you otherwise because it takes patience to stick by a determined person…and it takes real love to interpret a person's intimidation or confidence as pure ambition. 



(Warning: This songs contains explicit lyrics)

In the end...

We all want a love like this.

Honolulu, Hawaii
Courtesy of my girl: Corynne Ashley

Her in Him, Him In Her

Because as much we try to hide it, we are not fools.
I can see that when I do things, you are used to them being done a certain way.
Because I know your heart and a small part of you still loves her.
I'm not mad nor sad about it, granted that I understand.
She was everything you knew for a while, everything that you loved and she played a big part in your life.
As much as you say that you and her are nothing more than friends, there is nothing that I could ever do to have you feel the same for me.
I know that when I sit on the opposite side of the couch, the tension is bigger than the space between us.
I know that prickily feeling pierces your heart a little when I pull away from your love because of what he has done to me.
And when you tell me that I'm simply beautiful, I know that you are frustrated because that word does not exist in my vocabulary.
I know that my thought process is not in sync with yours and that you attempt to comprehend what I'm trying to bring forth through my contradictory actions.
And as much as you don't want to hurt me and just want the best for us, sprinkle the salt on these wounds just a little because sooner or later the sting with numb the pain.
Although, we both know that we are addicted to this.
We both know that we can't commit to this.
All we can do is embrace this...moment.
As much as you see him in me and as much as I see her in you...they both influenced us into the people that we are today.
So even though I know she takes up most of your heart space, I thank her for making you into the man that I fell so hard for.

In To Fall Out (Part 4)

(continued from Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)

It finally hit me. I can't do this anymore. I have to do what I have to do. I mean, he was fun--we had fun. I wanted all of this confusion to stop.

When I told him we had to end our fling, he didn't resist. As much as I wanted him to soothe the emptiness that I was feeling in my chest, I kept telling myself that it was for the best. Although, how could it be for the best when I feel like I'm leaving something behind? And how could I even say that it feels like a break up when we haven't even officially started?

He texted one night that he wanted to talk and with no hesitation I went over. As soon and I saw his face there it was, that feeling that I just couldn't describe. Suprisngly, it wasn't awkward. I mean, it felt as if we were legitamitley cool with what had happened couple of days before. But then he just had to pick at my brain and explore my most inner thoughts. The thoughts that I was secretly keeping to myself because I for one was still trying to find answers.

As we both looked at the celing he said, "I'm not afraid to be alone."
Puzzled, I said, "neither am I."
As I turned my head over, I told him, "I'm not afraid to be in love, I'm just cautious with things that I can't completley control."
In all retrospect things like my family, my career and my destiny, those things can only be fulfilled if I make them happen. Even though there are some shades of gray, matters of the heart are more complex because emotions are involved.When he kissed me that night, I realized then that his eyes were closed.

Then it hit me again.
As much as I felt content being alone, I just could not deny this feeling.
When I looked into the gateways of his soul that night, I remember that at that very moment, he was completley perfect.
It was not being alone that I feared.
I was afraid of going back to that place that I swore that I would never revisit.
I was afraid of allowing love from a person as authentic as he into my life and into my already fragile heart.
I was afraid of not being in control.
In the beginning I was vigilant because I swore I wasn't going to fall. With no back up plan at hand, the issue now was trying to fall back out.
They say that plans are tentative but I never thought that someone like him would ever consider a person like me. However, I for one knew that I wouldn't let this fling manifest emotions that could tentatively hold us back from the life-long plans that we have been working so hard to reach.

..."Cause whenever you're near, it's love that I fear. I've been saved in this shell and I can't tell if I'm living at all. I've been doing well on my own but maybe it's just me who I'm decieving. Cause everything about me leads right to you.'...

Runaway Girl

You got the finest things hanging in your closet. You got looks to kill and a brain to outsmart the slickest mastermind but there you go running away. You say that love resides where you are from. That home is where the heart is but why are you off searching for an idea that you can't even grasp, something that is right in front of you? What are your really searching for anyway? You say that you should be allowed to have what your heart desires but really, what does your heart REALLY desire?

Everyone has dreams and we all see that you are trying to make them happen but it seems that you have forgotten about what really matters. You take those pictures to post up for all of your friends to see. You are off "chasing your fate" or that is what you try to tell yourself. You are just running away from your problems. Don't lie and don't front. Stop making excuses for once. "Are you running away for a purpose? Do you even know what your self worth is?"

You got a lot left in you but you are so sure that the grass is greener on the other side. There you go sizing yourself up to every other girl next to you. Yeah, you may not be like those models in those magazines but there is only one you. You downplay yourself too much. It's not being cocky girl, it is knowing that you are deserving. Don't let those fools take advantage of you. Don't pay attention to what the media wants you to be, what others what you to be, what they claim as being beautiful because you got it girl, you got a beautiful side to you. A side that only people with patience are allowed to see. A side that people who really matter are privileged to see.

But then again "the past is what you carry in your purse" and to some extent it's true, "it's a gift and a curse." The past that has made you that much stronger, the past that has made you in the person that you are, the past that had to happen for a reason. Although, that is where you need to stop. The past that you hold on to prohibits you to feel, to love, to trust. You got the mentality that you "want to witness the world." You want to go on adventures, all to find the answers of what the world can offer you. But don't forget who you really are, who you truly are. If you let the world influence you that much then that is where we say, "farewell to the pure, amen I pray."  Only to hope that as you get lost in your world full of expectations and fictitious substance that you find your way back. That you find your way back to the place that watched you grow and in the arms of the people that have ALWAYS loved you.



..."You wander the world. You seek what you've lost. You're waking up every day to run away...good bye, good day be on
your way run away girl"...

In To Fall Out (Part 1)

“Cassie.”
“Cassie.”
“Hello Cassie!”
“Oh! Sorry guys. I was just thinking of some ideas for the fundraiser.”
“I’m sure Cass, what clever ideas were you thinking of?”
“I’ll let you know when they are all thought out.”

As everyone left the conference room, I sat there. I just didn’t know what it was. Why am I thinking of him?
We don’t have much in common or do we?
No we don’t, he is not even my type.
I was thinking of him every spare second but I had no valid reason other than that we always have a great time together.

Beep. Text message from him. “I miss you.”

As much as I liked Sam I just knew that I had to be careful. I knew what he was working towards in life and this little fling that we had going on would just be a distraction. Not only for him but me as well. I didn’t even know why he liked spending time with me because god knows that he is a good catch and could get with others way better than I.

Giggling and thinking to myself, “Shut up Cassie! Why are you even thinking that bull? You are not insecure. Shoot! you got some rich substance to you too.”

I didn’t even know where things were going. All I knew was that everytime I thought of him, I'd pause and smile. I didn’t care where this fling was going but I sure as hell was willing to go along for the ride.


"I can't help it. I can't tell you how much I try to get you off my mind."

New Year, New Outlook

The announcer reminded the crowd, "15 minutes till midnight!" Sure there were familiar faces at the event but I was on the clock and had no time to socialize. There I was with the camera in hand, snapping photos of people surrounded by the ones that they care about. These party goers were enjoying themselves. Maybe it was the drink specials, the music, the venue, the thousands of people there, the fact that they were there to end an old year and ring in a new one...I'm not too sure what it was but there was good-feel vibe.

As the minutes ticked, I made my way up to the top balcony and sat down for a little. I reviewed the pictures that were on my camera and looked around. There I was by myself for the 3rd  year in a row.  I thought about how I spent the previous New Years, all of them working. Do I regret it? Not at all but New Years is my favorite holiday and all these years when the clock strikes, I've been spending them alone.

As the announcer shouted, "5 more minutes till 2011!," I took my place with a fellow photographer as we updated our twitter accounts.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Happy New Year!

Photo taken by me for nonstophonolulu.com at Aloha Tower. 

As everyone turned to the ones that they loved to say bye to 2010, I could hear murmurs of joy. As my shutter captured New Years kisses and hugs, at midnight for a short three seconds--I closed my eyes and I made a promise to myself. Often times in life, we turn to the ones that we love to celebrate or to confined the happiest and lowest moments of our lives. As I stood there alone while everyone had someone, I told myself this is a new year. No resolutions of eating less junk food, saving money or even weight lost this new year. This year will be a year of gain. A year to gain knowledge, experience, and life lessons. I thought about all of things that I have gone through during 2010 and boy was it a roller coaster. Through the pummels I still had a lot to be proud about. Just finished a Master degree, stronger relationships with the people that I love, new beginnings with people that were placed in my life for a reason and most of all memories that will forever be etched in my heart.

My promise: 
To make this year, MY YEAR.
To never give up when times get hard.
To push myself beyond my assumptions.
To make my dreams come true.
And the only way I will be able to do it is if I just be me.
No one will get you to where you want to be but yourself.

"On the road to riches don't forget to stop and take pictures. Cause life ain't about where you finish but what you've learned along the way."

She Told Us So

She told you that if you left her for me that you would be unhappy. She told you that it was only a matter of time until you would be running back to her. You disagreed. She wanted us to fail and she thought we were not made for each other. You told her that you were in love, that we were in love. Although maybe she was right because look where we are now.

We've been trying to beat everything that has come our way but I guess this time, we are unrepairable. You left her for me and when I couldn't give you what you wanted, you ran back to her. Then when she was getting attached again, you came back to me. You said she didn't make you happy but then why did you go back all those times?

Even though you weren't in love with her, she was in love with you. She went crazy saying that she deserved better and that she wasn't going to allow you to come back. Although after every arguement with me, she still picked up your phone calls and still invited you over to her house. You finally told me that there was no more fooling around, that it would just be you and I forever. Of course she was angry because she thought that you were the one. She tried everything to tear us apart and we relentlessly wanted to prove her wrong.

Now that she has someone new you say that you are off the hook but at the same time, we are done as well so who you gonna run to now? We often blamed her for our problems but the reason we are not together anymore had nothing to do with her. This break-up was all on us.

I guess we are the fools now because we didn't see what she did. I wonder if she knows that we are no longer together because if she did she would say, "I told you so."



..."Baby yes you said, said you were in love. 'Cause when you left me you said that you wouldn't be comin' back, remember that but I never agreed. I hate to say it but I told you so."...

Eat. Pray. Love.

The New York Best Seller has finally become a motion picture and is based on Elizabeth Gilbert's real life after her divorce. Trying to find substance in her newly single life, Gilbert found herself unhappy after what she thought would be a decision that will help her find peace. On a venture to find herself, she decides to take a year off and spend her time between Italy, India and Bali.

I've read the book twice and I love it when my favorite books are put on the big screen. It's been a while since I've familiarized myself with the book and at the movie's premiere, it  helped shed light onto some things that I have experienced. I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone that did not watch it but here are some things that I learned.

EAT:

"I am a better person when I have less on my plate."

I'm a food lover but the consequences of eating good food means buying new clothes. hehe. Sometimes I feel that people in this modern society try to fit a mold that is advertised as being perfect or "in" which then translates into constantly being obsessed to follow that trend. We often follow that trend because we want to be accepted like everyone else instead of being an outcast. However what I tend to find is that food is an outlet of learning culture. On the rooftop of your mouth, you can taste the grain of salt that makes that recipe that much better. Because who knows how many trial and error sessions had to be overcome to get that recipe just right. Food is such a big part of every culture. Why not learn the depth of international cultures by tasting it?

Not only does food satisfy your cravings but I often find myself enjoying great conversations over great food. You eat to satisfy your body. If your body isn't satisfied, your mind will not be either.


PRAY:

"You were given life; it is your duty and also your entitlement as a human being to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."

Being raised in a Catholic household, you often pray to either give thanks or to ask for help. As long as I can remember, I prayed most of the time for the blessings in my life because I didn't know how to ask for help. Wait, let's scratch that. It's not that I didn't know how to ask for help, I think it's because when you ask for help...you are sort of confessing that you have either done wrong or have lost your way over a decision that you may have known was not right.

I'm not afraid to ask for help but I have a lot of pride. To pray for help to me can be summed in one word: admittance. I don't like admitting that I need help, I don't like admitting that I'm hurt, I don't like to admit that I'm weak. However as much as you don't want to admit it, even if it is to yourself...you become the opposite of what you say you are not. When it comes to anything for spiritual balance, you must surrender yourself completely. Once you admit to something, you past through the fluff and reach the core. You must work from the inside first then work your way out. To admit to something does not mean revealing how vulnerable you are, admitting shows how committed you are to work towards something better.


LOVE:

"A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life."

The four letter words that has no concrete definition gets me every time. It holds different meanings to different people in different situations that can be used at different times. Like many people, past relationships revises a persons list of what they want in a significant other and teaches a person of what to do better in the current or next relationship. I on one hand have often drowned myself not in the love of a man but in the love of my work. Then just when I find that the water is slowly draining out of my love life, I try to take a deep plunge back in order to refill it. Although, sometimes it's not that easy because when you take a plunge or drown yourself in anything for the love of it, you sometimes lose yourself. Sometimes you are just too far from shore and are stuck in the current, you find yourself alone with no one to rescue you and you find yourself thinking that drowning is the only option you have. When it comes to love of anything, don't drown yourself in it but soak in it. Things are not meant to consume you, they are merely meant to be additions to your life.

I know that love is tricky for everyone because everyone has their own reasons of why they haven't reached their happily ever after yet...but what I realized from watching the movie is that when it comes to love, many people are afraid. They withhold themselves to become emotionally involved because they don't want to set themselves for heartbreak, they believe that by being cautious...it will prevent them from being hurt. However not only do you withhold your heart and self, you withhold yourself from other possibilities...like lessons, people, and life. Sooner or later, you will learn that without love, you'll have no depth in life. The love for something is all in the risk and being hurt is just one of them. To be hurt is a part of love and love is a part of life. Gilbert has said in the book, "this is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something." I'd rather to have tried for something then accept the fact of the what ifs because I did nothing.


The movie had really taught me more about myself and what I need to do in order to be who I want to become. With all that said, go and watch the movie and be inspired. I hope that it will help you see things in a better perspective.


"People tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will descend like fine weather if you're fortunate. But happiness is the result of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly."

Still Standing

I swear that trash talking has elevated since social networking has been a way of communication. People that can’t say things to your face create post status updates for their whole social network to see. Have you ever experienced that? Where you know that it’s targeted towards you because who else would be their ex? or who else have they been dating? or who else have they been having disagreements with? Some say that they keep their stuff generic and then people take it personal. However, how can it be generic when there is a connotation or a word that has your name written all over it?

What’s worse is that there are friends that comment on that status update only to add to the bulk of trash talk yet they only know one-side of the story. People like that just have no class because even though as we get older, we are suppose to know better—those people still have the mentality of a grade school kid because they want to tell everyone their personal business. Who talks smack about their ex? About their baby mama? About their baby daddy? About an ex friend? About an enemy? If the incident happened so long ago and that person says that they have moved on then why these posts? Maybe they need some support to justify their actions or maybe they want to shed the light of them being the "better" person. Some may say that this blog is a contradiction of this post. However,  I  have never named anyone and I simply keep it generic to the point where anyone can relate to the posts. That is the difference.

So what if you see status updates of: “He didn’t pay child support today,” “She was late to pick up our baby,” “She is a psycho ex, I want to delete her out of my life,” “He is such a bad boyfriend, he treats me so bad.” Before you go agreeing on someone’s post because you know the logistics of the dilemma why don’t you step back and not be the naïve person that you will be when you comment on that status. Because did you know he used to hit her? That she called his new girl because someone anonymously texted her? That he up and left her after she lost their baby? That she was caught up in an over-time shift? That maybe it’s because he was saving up to buy the bike that your son has always wanted? Just remember that there are always two-sides to a story so don’t be so quick to jump the gun.

Unlike some people, my friends tell me straight when I’ll be acting a fool, when I have given someone more chances than deserved and tell me what’s best for both people in the conflicted situation even if it means not getting what I thought was suitable. Just remember you cannot control what a person does but you can control how you react. So when someone has something bad to say about you on the internet or to your face, let them do what they have to do to make them feel adequate with their lives.

Let them tell their entire friends list of the wrongs that you have done or lies about you. You know the truth, you know what happened and you don’t need to parade around for anyone because you don’t owe anyone anything, you only owe it to yourself to be the better person. Let them call you names because people that spend so much time talking about situations that don’t directly involve them, just shows you that they love concentrating on other people’s faults instead of trying to improve their own personal demons. Let them say that you are pulling the victim card because the true meaning of acting like a victim, seem to fit the criteria of telling the whole world that they were done wrong by a person's actions just so that they can receive sympathy from the people that are willing to listen. We are too old to be pointing fingers and to be playing the blame game. Come on now. Accept what has happened and move on because the more you talk about it, the more you concentrate on it, the more it shows that you are not over it.

I don't know all the lessons of life but I know this: Life is too short to be concentrating on the bad things that has happened to you in life or the people that have betrayed you. You shouldn't be concentrating on something that is counter-productive. Ignore the noise so that you can concentrate on the melody. People come and go while life shifts you up and down. Things happen for a reason and it is all up to you on how you adjust.


..."I been through the storm. Had dirt on my name. I'm still holding on, champion of the game.Whatever don't kill you make you stronger...See I done a whole lotta growin'. You can bet your last that my head won't hit the floor. never, and I'm still standing"...

Love Goes A Long Way (Pt.1)

When she stepped out of the car, she got acquainted with someone she had only heard stories about. "Hi my name is Chris" and all she could do was smirk and say "Hi, I'm Sara". As her best friend walked ahead to speak with a stranger while the others stood in line, Chris continued the conversation in order to kill the silence. Thinking that she would never have anything in common with him, she followed his lead. 

Sara asked the complete stranger in efforts to keep the dying conversation going, "So what did you major in during college?" He replied, "umm. Radiology." How weird she thought, a guy like him majored in radiology? You would think that a guy of his stature would have majored in something more stereotypical like accounting or IT. "Oh really? I majored in Biology and I just started medical school." Chris checked her with his eyes, up and down. In confusion, the girl wearing nothing but a mini dress looked awfully young. "Wait did i hear you right? Med school? How old are you?" Sara smiled because she gets it all the time, "I'm 21."

Sara walks ahead of him to catch up with her best friend, she tosses him a smile and with eyes gleaming Chris runs to catch up. They enter a small-cramped bar that was known to be popping on a Wednesday. A toast to a good night led to Patron, Jameson, Grey and Crown accompanied with pineapple and coke backs. Drinks led to more conversations. Conversations led to laughs. Laughs led to another room with good music. Built with enthusiasm to make the guy-infested place fun, Sara and her friends danced the night away while the guys took a stog break. Chris and his best friend come back to the girls busting it out on the dance floor. Not avid dancers themselves, both Chris and his best friend join in on the fun and try their best to stay on beat.

It was last call for alcohol and Sara didn't want it to end just yet. In search of something light, the group posted up at a late night Pho joint. What thought to be a group rolling deep, Sara and Chris found themselves with their best friends at the same eatery spot and sitting in the same booth. The once awkward conversation that started a few hours ago continued over caffeine and carbs."We need to do this again," said Chris. As Sara got the eye approval from her best friend she looked at Chris and said, "You know how to get a hold of us, so just let us know." 

The next night she expected another night of fun, another night to paint the town. Bar after bar, conversation after the other, Chris wanted her to stay just a little bit longer but Sara couldn't. She had a training convention in another city and had to catch the first train out the next morning. In hopes to hear from her again and at the last minute as she was walking away to her car, "I want those pictures that you took tonight." She turned around, put one hand in the air and said, "Don't worry, just call me and I'll get them to you."

Over the past couple of nights, the two knew that the awkward conversations were a start to something. They just didn't know what it was and where it was going. 

"Man I'm grown and I dont know what to do."

The Other Loves Of My Life

Another random trip completed, more lessons learned. From San Francisco to San Diego to Los Angeles and to Vegas, the fun times over powered the heartache that followed soon after and over a span of a couple of weeks.

This trip opened my eyes and made me realize the uniqueness of each person that I have in my life. I ran through the list of people that life has chosen for me and not only has this pondering made me appreciate their efforts in keeping our relationship alive but it has made me appreciate them for who they entirely are. They say that the people that don’t really matter will eventually fade out. However, I’m grateful for the people that have walked in and have walked out because it has taught me that it’s not about quantity but the quality of people that you surround yourself with. 

I believe that the love you have for someone is one of the most unselfish things that you could probably give anyone because you both offer a piece of yourselves in hopes that it is an even trade. The relationships that you build with these certain individuals are not only built on trust, honesty, and love but it is also built on flaws and imperfections that make your relationship entirely and solely one of a kind.

It makes you appreciate the friend that may seem like the group f*ck up because inside you know that even though they haven’t made the best life decisions--no matter how intense the heat may be, they are probably the most loyal friend out of the group and will thrown down with you if someone were to step on your toes. It makes you appreciate the friend that is not afraid to tell you things like a straight shot of warm patron with no lime or salt. At least you know that they are being totally honest with you, even it means hurting your feelings because you know that they are just trying to give you another perspective and a reality check all together.

Or the friend that you know will stand by you despite the disagreements or the physical distance because you know that they will be the very one to fly out for your birthday three years in a row, guide you through whatever when you seem to have lost your directions, will tuck you into bed after a long night of alcoholic sampling while soaking in your bile, and will be the first one to lend an ear when you feel like the world seems to misunderstand your good intentions—all because for you their love is unconditional.

It makes you appreciate even that one person that you probably haven’t talked to you in years. You know that despite the lack of communication, just one lunch date with them will remind you that they are still in your corner after all these years—encouraging your dreams and aspirations because they knew what you are capable of way before you could even recognize it within yourself.  Or that one person that you probably have hurt by rejection—they still chose to remain in contact with you even though you have broken their heart. You know that everything that you folks have gone through have only made you two stronger. Through the pain and heartache that you may have caused they still value your opinion, presence and appreciate your extension of love even it means just being friends.

The friend that can’t seem to stop talking about old diners, history, and scientific things that don’t seem to really fancy you. Yet you appreciate their strong curious spirit because they are the very person that will drive straight from the club to sin city with you after a long night of drunkenness, will help conquer your fear of heights by riding the Stratosphere’s Big Shot with you and is the very person that will remind you that you only live once.

What about the person that you seem to have a love/hate relationship with? You know that despite the drama, the words that you two may seem to want to take back and the tug of war of emotions...At the end of the day there is no other person that has a stronger will to keep you in their lives because with each round that you shoot out (even when your have aimed at their bulls-eye time and time again)--their love remains bulletproof to it all. All because they would risk the fall with you just so they could experience how it feels to fly high alongside with you.  

To all of the people that are still in my life, I know that sometimes we may not see eye to eye, we may only call each other once a month, we may be living in totally different worlds or we may be living in the same state but I haven’t seen you in years---just know that I have not forgotten about you. I’m still here for you if you need me, I’ve never left you. I have always had your back and I have always been here to help break your fall. My loves… thank you for giving me an even trade of yourself without being an Indian giver, for holding my hand while sheltering me from rain and for the priceless memories that have been unforgettable—simply because it was shared with you. I look forward to the many more years that are being granted to us and for the many adventures that still await us. 

"In a world that seems to get colder &colder. don't you worry cause my love will only get stronger & stronger...Cause I'm gonna love you, gonna hold you through it all"

In The Moment

This past week embodies the phrase of “in the moment”. There is no doubt in my mind at all. There were things that were kept inside in order to keep me in check. Don’t get me wrong, the things that happened were the greatest experiences of my life. For the first time in a long time, I let myself go. I let things happen without precautions and let fate take its course. However the thing was that after a while, feelings started to grow. In matter of fact feelings that were often denied, surfaced as a reinforcement of what has been felt all along.

Long conversations that were often linked through a wire, different time zones, or in places where only dreams appeared--were now taking place in real life, real time and face to face. What if, what could have been and when we will were discussed often at 5 or 6am in the morning. Topics that were often discarded in fear of opposed feelings were discussed with open minds and open hearts.

As the days went on not only did I realize what could be, I was able to learn about this wonderful person and learn more about the things that has made their character so astounding. More so, I had learned more about myself as well. “Tell me a secret?” sessions put me out in a vulnerable state because not only was I afraid of what this person would think about me, I feared that it would push them away because of my hypocritical ways. The past was brought up and discussions of how this time around...for once...this was different from every other.

Realistically, the flight from cloud 9 had been a back and forth trip with turbulence in between. I was a little hesitant to live in the moment since we both knew what we were getting ourselves into and we knew that within a couple of days, we would be back to our normal lives--without each other in it. Twin peaks was a conversation that was needed because we laid everything out on the table but a few side notes were kept close to my heart because I did not want to hurt any one's feelings. People flaked that night but that conversation was a great start to a night that we both would never forget. This was probably the night I was dubbed a "BSB."

Patron & Jameson along with Double Dutch & Skylar = a rare thing, for me at least. I'll admit that I needed the alcohol to give me a little push because deep down, I've been waiting months to tell this person how much I cared. The alley way could have been a scene taken from a movie. Girl has feelings and cries out because despite the intoxicating influence, she was genuine. I'm usually happy when I drink but this person deserved the truth. Whether it hurt me in the end, I knew that this person had been very patient and because my heart knew that I loved this person.

Tables turned the night we went to my city playground. This person confessed things that I would have advised them not to do. A load of savings to NYC, time off of work, and emotional investment were things that I did not expect. The inevitable happened because this person opened up so much to the point where I could see the signs in their eyes. My heart dropped in their hands and I stood there, feet planted with tears held back. Because this was real, it was really happening, and the feelings over took everything we ever thought imaginable. How can someone put their emotions out there like that? It was because it had to dwindle down to one thing: they were so much in love.

We have dreams bigger than our cities, bigger than each other but I know deep in my heart as much as it will hurt--we need to live our lives according to our original play book. We need to do things that are right for us. We have come too far. Maybe I'm making a selfish decision, maybe I'm afraid, maybe I'm lying to myself, maybe I'm not ready, maybe its because i know I can't commit, maybe its a bunch of things rolled up together. Maybe the past has got me tainted.

That one morning when we watched the sun rise after another early morning conversation, a piece of my heart tucked itself into their back pocket. I know one thing will never change. And trust me, it was not just an ordinary "in the moment" spontaneous action. When i said those precious words in front of that cold marina, believe me when I say that I meant every word.


…"you've gotta live your life. I won't stop you. you've gotta do what's right for yourself. No matter what you do, I'll always love you…..I'll pray our roads will cross again someday”….

...With A Purpose...

So..I just came back from my 3-week long trip and I have to admit…I’m DEPRESSED. This trip was amazing and I did not want to come back home! It changed the way I view life. This trip made me realize that for once I should be able to be selfish. To do what I want on my own time, on my own terms and all in order to fulfill my happiness.

On this trip, I passed the yellow caution tape and did spontaneous things. I traveled to places that I have never been to before and decided to do them on short notices. I’ve learned that friendships can appear in the most oddest places and have fallen in love..over and over with things. I’ve learned that you should always follow your hunch feeling and I’ve learned that what you believe should never be compromised.

The people that I have met along this trip have inspired me to follow my dreams, even if it means risking all that I have here at home. Every single person breezes through your life for some sort of purpose and I believe that the people on my trip were a sense of encouragement. The thing that I see by living at home is comfort. I have it good here in Hawaii. I have family, friends, a job that I love, a good network and a degree to finish. This trip has truly pushed my determination to go and chase after that dream..even if it means starting from the very bottom with no one to depend.

I did a lot of thinking during this 3-week journey and I’m really glad that this trip help put things into perspective. Before I went on this trip, I thought to myself, "this trip should be with purpose." My best friend (of more than 17 years) helped me appreciate our close knit love. This woman would do anything for me and I would do the same without a doubt but our trip to the bay area gave us a chance to get away. A chance to take couple of days out of our familiar scene to explore onto new territory, to venture out. One thing that I have learned from her during this trip is that no matter where you grew up, what people say about you, and what you have at the moment...when you have a dream, go for it. She has made me realize that you have to make things happen and to always think high and above of what your full potential could be...That anything is possible and the love of your family/friends will always be there to guide you through the stormiest weather.

I can't even put into the words when describing the friendships that I had made throughout this trip. I met the most amazing people and it rings true.."it don't matter where you are, its the people that you roll with" that makes the event more enjoyable. I was fortunate to have met the most down to earth, real, and fun people on this trip. I got to reconnect with some old ones and boy did the good times keep flowing. I spent a crap load of money in California but like a good friend told me, "you can always make the money back but you can't make up for loss times," which is so true. As I think back at all of the random trips that I have taken, all the risks that I needed to take in order to make those trips, situations where we ran into the law, the body bruises, sleepless nights, late night food binges...I would not trade any of those good memories for anything.

I've been away from the east coast for 6 years and being there has made me realize that without the sense of family, there is no self-identity. There were so many late-night talks that consisted of laughs, tears, beers, shots and ono food. I've always known my daddy's side as the family that is laid back, adaptable and full of heartache. My daddy's side has experienced so much hardship (what family doesn't) but what I've realized that makes my family so unique is that no matter what, we have always pulled it back together and have supported each other every step of the way. From domestics, bad habits, failed marriages and lives that have been cut short...each individual could have not made it through if it weren't for the love. We talked about the past, the present, what could've been and what could be. It made me conceptualize the meaning of time and how its so valuable. I mean I've always known the value of time but I've been in the constant hustle and grind, leaving my family on the sidelines. I'm glad that I got to reconnect with my aunties and my cousins. My aunties made me realize how strong my back bone is and has made me appreciate the experiences that has made me into who I'am. My cousins on the other hand made me realize my values/morals and how to use them in order to be what to I want to eventually become.

As you can see, I did a lot of thinking in order to justify what should be done in order to live a happy life. I may not know a lot of things but I really don't care about the fame, money, materialistic things or the looks because who needs recognition, financial status can be taken away, the value of material things whether out over time and looks can only get you so far. Since I've been back home, I've promised myself to start living to my own standards, to my own beat, and to start living it with a purpose.