In To Fall Out (Part 4)

(continued from Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)

It finally hit me. I can't do this anymore. I have to do what I have to do. I mean, he was fun--we had fun. I wanted all of this confusion to stop.

When I told him we had to end our fling, he didn't resist. As much as I wanted him to soothe the emptiness that I was feeling in my chest, I kept telling myself that it was for the best. Although, how could it be for the best when I feel like I'm leaving something behind? And how could I even say that it feels like a break up when we haven't even officially started?

He texted one night that he wanted to talk and with no hesitation I went over. As soon and I saw his face there it was, that feeling that I just couldn't describe. Suprisngly, it wasn't awkward. I mean, it felt as if we were legitamitley cool with what had happened couple of days before. But then he just had to pick at my brain and explore my most inner thoughts. The thoughts that I was secretly keeping to myself because I for one was still trying to find answers.

As we both looked at the celing he said, "I'm not afraid to be alone."
Puzzled, I said, "neither am I."
As I turned my head over, I told him, "I'm not afraid to be in love, I'm just cautious with things that I can't completley control."
In all retrospect things like my family, my career and my destiny, those things can only be fulfilled if I make them happen. Even though there are some shades of gray, matters of the heart are more complex because emotions are involved.When he kissed me that night, I realized then that his eyes were closed.

Then it hit me again.
As much as I felt content being alone, I just could not deny this feeling.
When I looked into the gateways of his soul that night, I remember that at that very moment, he was completley perfect.
It was not being alone that I feared.
I was afraid of going back to that place that I swore that I would never revisit.
I was afraid of allowing love from a person as authentic as he into my life and into my already fragile heart.
I was afraid of not being in control.
In the beginning I was vigilant because I swore I wasn't going to fall. With no back up plan at hand, the issue now was trying to fall back out.
They say that plans are tentative but I never thought that someone like him would ever consider a person like me. However, I for one knew that I wouldn't let this fling manifest emotions that could tentatively hold us back from the life-long plans that we have been working so hard to reach.

..."Cause whenever you're near, it's love that I fear. I've been saved in this shell and I can't tell if I'm living at all. I've been doing well on my own but maybe it's just me who I'm decieving. Cause everything about me leads right to you.'...