In The Moment

This past week embodies the phrase of “in the moment”. There is no doubt in my mind at all. There were things that were kept inside in order to keep me in check. Don’t get me wrong, the things that happened were the greatest experiences of my life. For the first time in a long time, I let myself go. I let things happen without precautions and let fate take its course. However the thing was that after a while, feelings started to grow. In matter of fact feelings that were often denied, surfaced as a reinforcement of what has been felt all along.

Long conversations that were often linked through a wire, different time zones, or in places where only dreams appeared--were now taking place in real life, real time and face to face. What if, what could have been and when we will were discussed often at 5 or 6am in the morning. Topics that were often discarded in fear of opposed feelings were discussed with open minds and open hearts.

As the days went on not only did I realize what could be, I was able to learn about this wonderful person and learn more about the things that has made their character so astounding. More so, I had learned more about myself as well. “Tell me a secret?” sessions put me out in a vulnerable state because not only was I afraid of what this person would think about me, I feared that it would push them away because of my hypocritical ways. The past was brought up and discussions of how this time around...for once...this was different from every other.

Realistically, the flight from cloud 9 had been a back and forth trip with turbulence in between. I was a little hesitant to live in the moment since we both knew what we were getting ourselves into and we knew that within a couple of days, we would be back to our normal lives--without each other in it. Twin peaks was a conversation that was needed because we laid everything out on the table but a few side notes were kept close to my heart because I did not want to hurt any one's feelings. People flaked that night but that conversation was a great start to a night that we both would never forget. This was probably the night I was dubbed a "BSB."

Patron & Jameson along with Double Dutch & Skylar = a rare thing, for me at least. I'll admit that I needed the alcohol to give me a little push because deep down, I've been waiting months to tell this person how much I cared. The alley way could have been a scene taken from a movie. Girl has feelings and cries out because despite the intoxicating influence, she was genuine. I'm usually happy when I drink but this person deserved the truth. Whether it hurt me in the end, I knew that this person had been very patient and because my heart knew that I loved this person.

Tables turned the night we went to my city playground. This person confessed things that I would have advised them not to do. A load of savings to NYC, time off of work, and emotional investment were things that I did not expect. The inevitable happened because this person opened up so much to the point where I could see the signs in their eyes. My heart dropped in their hands and I stood there, feet planted with tears held back. Because this was real, it was really happening, and the feelings over took everything we ever thought imaginable. How can someone put their emotions out there like that? It was because it had to dwindle down to one thing: they were so much in love.

We have dreams bigger than our cities, bigger than each other but I know deep in my heart as much as it will hurt--we need to live our lives according to our original play book. We need to do things that are right for us. We have come too far. Maybe I'm making a selfish decision, maybe I'm afraid, maybe I'm lying to myself, maybe I'm not ready, maybe its because i know I can't commit, maybe its a bunch of things rolled up together. Maybe the past has got me tainted.

That one morning when we watched the sun rise after another early morning conversation, a piece of my heart tucked itself into their back pocket. I know one thing will never change. And trust me, it was not just an ordinary "in the moment" spontaneous action. When i said those precious words in front of that cold marina, believe me when I say that I meant every word.


…"you've gotta live your life. I won't stop you. you've gotta do what's right for yourself. No matter what you do, I'll always love you…..I'll pray our roads will cross again someday”….