Worth The Fall

So I was cleaning my computer and came across a letter that I wrote the love of my life years ago. Omg, this one was a tear dropper because this brought me back to a place where I disconnected myself from the world, cried myself to sleep every night, lost 20 pounds and realized that my personal happiness meant that I needed to be selfish, to the point where I needed to break someone's heart and close the doors to something that may have been good for me. This brought me back to the sleepless nights, the former front act that I played when deep inside I was hurting and the confusing conversations that I often had with my parents on why I felt so unsure.

So here it goes:

___________.....

I usually don’t last past a year but you had me pass two. more than two years.

We have had our good times and our bad. Our happy and our sad.

It’s not that I don’t love you. I really do love you.

You have this hold on my heart that no one has ever had.

We’ve both made our mistakes but it seems like forgiving is condescending.

My plate is full and it’s tipped over.

I know that you’ve been on the back burner and I‘m sorry.

There is no other guy, I promise. It’s just that my priorities are not focused on us right now.

I know I’m being selfish and I’m sorry that my selfishness has been hurting you.

I don’t mean to hurt you but it’s just that my life has been changing and I just thought that you would always be there, I thought that you’d understand.

From the beginning, I thought that you knew who I was and what I wanted to become but maybe that was an obscurity that was never fully explained.

Although maybe I have just been taking you for granted.

But we have been fighting constantly, over petty things and over things I thought we resolved. Old habits are killing my butterflies one by one.

Your broken promises, my vulnerability high, our patience non-existent.

Lately we’ve been bringing the worst out of each other.

And baby, it’s not me giving up…it’s that I have run out of ways to fix us.
I feel that our relationship has been at a standstill and you have been the only one trying to push forward but I’m not ready or prepared.
The love I have for you has never changed. I love you, I really do.
I know that I told you that we both could wait but that would be selfish of me and maybe in your eyes unrealistic.
After everything that we have been through, I have no hard feelings or grudges against you.
You should be loved the way you deserve and I’m sorry that I can’t provide that for you right now.
If you find someone that can, I’m happy for you. You deserve the best that life has to offer.
If you do find someone else…you’ll be my regret.
There are four types of guys a girl meets in life: You will be the guy that I regret because you are the right guy at the wrong time.
In the end, you are a good man.

You will make a good husband and father, I know this because I have seen it first hand. I’m sorry if you feel that I’m not the same girl that you gazed at in front of the Paris Hotel and I don’t know if you are the same guy that sang I wanna grow old with you.

But know this, I’ve never compromised the love that I have for you.

I’m always here if you still want me in your life. My door is always open.

Like you said: Just because I love you and in the end all I want is your happiness, whether or not its with me.

“You hit me hard but you were worth the fall.”

This phase helped me become a stronger person but at the same time it made me feel as if I was ruining someone else's life by tearing down their efforts and hope. However, what people often don't realize is that you need to love yourself completely before you get involved with someone else. I guess since he and I had been together for so long, he ignored my personal changes and he often thought that it was a phase but it went so far deep that he thought he had lost the girl that he loved. However I was still the same girl, it was just that I had to adapt to my environment, had a busier schedule and was trying to balance the love of my career with the love I had for him. It's hard to let go of someone that has been a part of your life for so long..nevertheless, embodies a part of you.

We can be pointing fingers here and there..we can push the blame on me or him but when I first wrote this, I remember reading this over and over. Not because I was checking for grammar corrections or anything but simply because everything that I had written in this very letter was the pure and honest truth. At 5:03am in San Diego I wrote this and quietly cried because this was the first time I fully immersed myself into the situation, placed myself in his shoes and allowed my heart to speak up.

It was just hard to see someone that I loved fall apart and so hurt. It hurt me more since there was nothing that I could do to help him and it was I that was inflicting the pain.

"My heart is your heart. my love is your love and I'm not ok, unless you're ok"

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