The Other Loves Of My Life

Another random trip completed, more lessons learned. From San Francisco to San Diego to Los Angeles and to Vegas, the fun times over powered the heartache that followed soon after and over a span of a couple of weeks.

This trip opened my eyes and made me realize the uniqueness of each person that I have in my life. I ran through the list of people that life has chosen for me and not only has this pondering made me appreciate their efforts in keeping our relationship alive but it has made me appreciate them for who they entirely are. They say that the people that don’t really matter will eventually fade out. However, I’m grateful for the people that have walked in and have walked out because it has taught me that it’s not about quantity but the quality of people that you surround yourself with. 

I believe that the love you have for someone is one of the most unselfish things that you could probably give anyone because you both offer a piece of yourselves in hopes that it is an even trade. The relationships that you build with these certain individuals are not only built on trust, honesty, and love but it is also built on flaws and imperfections that make your relationship entirely and solely one of a kind.

It makes you appreciate the friend that may seem like the group f*ck up because inside you know that even though they haven’t made the best life decisions--no matter how intense the heat may be, they are probably the most loyal friend out of the group and will thrown down with you if someone were to step on your toes. It makes you appreciate the friend that is not afraid to tell you things like a straight shot of warm patron with no lime or salt. At least you know that they are being totally honest with you, even it means hurting your feelings because you know that they are just trying to give you another perspective and a reality check all together.

Or the friend that you know will stand by you despite the disagreements or the physical distance because you know that they will be the very one to fly out for your birthday three years in a row, guide you through whatever when you seem to have lost your directions, will tuck you into bed after a long night of alcoholic sampling while soaking in your bile, and will be the first one to lend an ear when you feel like the world seems to misunderstand your good intentions—all because for you their love is unconditional.

It makes you appreciate even that one person that you probably haven’t talked to you in years. You know that despite the lack of communication, just one lunch date with them will remind you that they are still in your corner after all these years—encouraging your dreams and aspirations because they knew what you are capable of way before you could even recognize it within yourself.  Or that one person that you probably have hurt by rejection—they still chose to remain in contact with you even though you have broken their heart. You know that everything that you folks have gone through have only made you two stronger. Through the pain and heartache that you may have caused they still value your opinion, presence and appreciate your extension of love even it means just being friends.

The friend that can’t seem to stop talking about old diners, history, and scientific things that don’t seem to really fancy you. Yet you appreciate their strong curious spirit because they are the very person that will drive straight from the club to sin city with you after a long night of drunkenness, will help conquer your fear of heights by riding the Stratosphere’s Big Shot with you and is the very person that will remind you that you only live once.

What about the person that you seem to have a love/hate relationship with? You know that despite the drama, the words that you two may seem to want to take back and the tug of war of emotions...At the end of the day there is no other person that has a stronger will to keep you in their lives because with each round that you shoot out (even when your have aimed at their bulls-eye time and time again)--their love remains bulletproof to it all. All because they would risk the fall with you just so they could experience how it feels to fly high alongside with you.  

To all of the people that are still in my life, I know that sometimes we may not see eye to eye, we may only call each other once a month, we may be living in totally different worlds or we may be living in the same state but I haven’t seen you in years---just know that I have not forgotten about you. I’m still here for you if you need me, I’ve never left you. I have always had your back and I have always been here to help break your fall. My loves… thank you for giving me an even trade of yourself without being an Indian giver, for holding my hand while sheltering me from rain and for the priceless memories that have been unforgettable—simply because it was shared with you. I look forward to the many more years that are being granted to us and for the many adventures that still await us. 

"In a world that seems to get colder &colder. don't you worry cause my love will only get stronger & stronger...Cause I'm gonna love you, gonna hold you through it all"

Secure Yourself

So your girl gets a text from a guy that she says is just a friend or you find that your man don't come home on time. You think all these wild things in your head because things seem to add up and so you start to think the worst.

My ladies and gents, you know what I'm talking about. When you accuse your other half and start to point fingers and accuse them of cheating, lying or betraying your trust or it might be the other way around where you are the one being accused when they got no evidence and yet when you try to explain yourself, they don't believe what is coming out of your mouth. I understand that there may be some circumstances that give you a legit reason to question so let’s run through this for a second.

HE/SHE CHEATED ON YOU BEFORE:
Okay, I'll give it to you that you got questions of where they would be at but then again if you are questioning all the time of their whereabouts, then you just causing yourself stress. Let them run the streets with their friends because in the end, you got to trust. It may be hard to get back on track at first but think about it, you decided to give it a second chance right? Plus if there is no trust of some sort then it is not going to work—flat out. In the end if they screw up again red handed...then it obvious that they did not learn from their mistakes.

YOU CHEATED ON THEM:
So you got red-handed cheating on them and so you think that they will go off and do the same to you. If you think that they would really do that to you, then that ish is just petty. Like Wycelf said, "two wrongs won't make it right" and if they are really doing that for revenge then do you really think that it's worth giving it another shot? For every wrong that you folks got going, it is a waste of time having to think of ways to get back at the other person. Love is not a competition, it don't keep score and if you keep up with this mentality then you folks will just be playing the same game over and over...Therefore denying the both of you access to play onto the next level.

THEY GOT A LOT OF GIRL/BOY FRIENDS:
If you really think that they would be hooking up with their friends then why are they still with you? This again may be all up in your head. I'm the type of girl that can hang ten with the boys..so like me, a lot of my close friends got a ring of peeps that mostly consist of people from the opposite sex. I find that having a lot of girl friends =unecessary drama and I know that a lot of guys=ego issues. If you see her wearing her promise ring (no matter if it’s on the ring finger) then its all good. At least she keeps that thing on. If your man got girls blowing up his phone, it should be all good. As long as those beezies know that he got a girl, then why trip? His family and friends know that you are his main squeeze. If you think that their friends got feelings for your significant other, don't let let that eat at your self-esteem because if they really wanted to start something with their "other friend" then they would have already left you for them or if you can't take the heat because it bothers you so much and they just won’t stop--then baby if you can't handle the heat then get out of the kitchen. There is no bad in having friends.


YOU GO THROUGH THEIR ISH & FIND EVIDENCE:
Okay so you read that text message. You see that beezy calling your man "love" or "hun." First ask your other half about it and if they give you a reasonable answer then the issue should be settled with and both of you should move on. However, I feel that stuff like that is not sufficient evidence. I call people those words all the time in terms of politeness. If you got sexual connotations in between those lines then make it aware that you feel uncomfortable with it but at the same time, you could also be reading the message wrong. Remember now, you can't hear tone within those messages...people joke around with sarcastic intentions. Evidence to me is plain and straight up raw, things that have no extinguisher to put out the flame. Getting caught in the actual act or having the other scandal confront you to the point where you hear it straight from their mouth--then that is where you have to draw the line and cut the chord on that mothereffer.

I know how it feels to be exhausted because my man did not believe that I'm at the actual place where I say I'm at. Always having to explain my whereabouts, why I didn't pick up that call or why I didn't call first thing in the morning and even when I were to speak the truth--he believes its a lie. Been there. I have had a boyfriend go through my email, my myspace account, message/email friends to stay away from me (because he thought that they got feelings for me) and I even had a boyfriend go through my phone and make actual calls to people threatening them.

Know this ladies and gents...insecurity drives a good love away. Be secure with what you got because if you don't respect you other half's space, privacy or words then they will up and surely bounce. Trust me when I say this...jealousy on a 24/7 alarm system is not good at all. If you know that you have something good and give it precedence on why you hold on to it so tight...know that if you squeeze something too tight, you will break it down and it will sooner or later slip through your fingers. Try to put yourself in their shoes because you too will find it more irritating than a heat rash. Recongize what type of person you are. Make sure that you are loving your other half with all that you have and that you are treating them well because if you are not giving a person what they want, they will eventually go off to find someone that can satisfy their needs. Don't analyze something more than it is, don't expect anything more than that person can give and don't try to change the person because then you are just altering everything that you fell in love with in the first place.

Realize that you are the one that they come home to at night, that you are the one that they say i love you to, and that they could have been with whoever they wanted but with all that you are....they chose you.

"Better keep it real wit yourself or you’ll end up by yourself"

We've Come To This

A poem I wrote a while back about a situation that I was in...

Here we are again, an inevitable.
Tears fall from something so small.
Emotions or words don’t mean nothing at all.

The heartache is overwhelming
What's the deal? You don’t feel.
Our love no longer real.

Lets just walk away.
We shouldn't stay.
We constantly say words that don’t come out right.
But baby why do we find ourselves in the same fight?
Feeling on edge, unsure and what for?
It seems like we don’t love each other anymore.

When we lay down at night, my back is turned.
We have got so much to learn.
But we feel the painful burn.

My world has come crashing down.
How did we get this way?
Nothing to say, trying to get through the rest of the day.

Your presence leaves me empty inside.
I try to answer my own question of why.
Maybe this is long overdue...
For me to realize that I wasn't meant to be with you.

It's takes a toll on your heart when you find yourself and the one you love slip. As hard it may seem to part ways, sometimes you have to come to the conclusion that it was just not meant to be. If you can feel it in your soul that things are not the same and that you aren't happy...then leave. If you think that you have tried your best and you still can't seem to bring the love back then walk away because sometimes that is the best thing that you can ever do for a person. As much as it will hurt, the blame game is over. You can't do the other person wrong when they did you wrong because two wrongs won't make it right. If you really loved the person with all that you are, you have to just take the memories, learn from the mistakes and look ahead with no urge to turn back. It’s true that you must work hard for love but when you start to lose yourself then that is where you have to draw the line. Love should feel like serenity and not like a constant battle. In the end, both people deserve to be happy. Its not that you are weak by giving up, it just means that you have grown strong enough to let go. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.




"...we've become to divided now. there's no use hiding from my misery. such a mystery when he's here with me. it's hard to believe I'm still lonely. chances fading now, patience running out. this ain't how it's supposed to be..."

The Only Exception

Alternating ego and trash talk aside, I'll peal off the bullet proof guard and open my heart--place it up front and center. I've only been in a few relationships and all at a minimum have past one year. However I've always been told that I have been the cold hearted one, the one so quick to jump the gun when things got tough and the one always being selfish. It is not always true but if anyone took the time to understand that way I view love, then maybe they would understand why it takes me so long to even consider love and I being in the same sentence.


*Mommy (I know that you have recently been reading my blogs. I'm sorry that I've never told you this.)


You see my parents had me at a young age and we all know how it is like being young and in love. :) Growing up, I never understood the relationship between my parents because as a child I would remember little family outings--just the three of us. Then the next thing you know, I would hear all these stories from my relatives of why my parents were not meant to be together. It confused me as a young kid and I remember every Sunday at church praying for my parents to get back together. It made me jealous to see kids that had both parents at May day performances or award ceremonies because even though I was young and thinking irrational, I felt that I wasn't worthy for both of my parents to love me at the same time.


I hardly saw my mom when I was in grade school but it was because she was trying her hardest to provide for me. I knew that it was hard for my mommy to be raising a baby when she was still young herself. My daddy was caught up in his own world but I knew that he tried to straighten things up to prove to my mommy and I that he loved us. As I got older my parents tried to move on but throughout that process, I felt that I was lost in the jumble because not only did they have to share their love with their significant others...I always felt that it meant less love for me.

 My parents tried to give it another shot but I knew that things were just too good to be true. The day of my Miss Oahu Filipina competition, my daddy calls me and tells me the heart breaking news. My daddy is the safe guard of my heart and to hear my strong daddy's heart cry minutes before I'm suppose to get the show on the road--my firm heart liquefied within seconds that night. To see my parents hurt each other like that was hard for me to deal with and so hard to comprehend. You see, I'm scared that if I ever were to love...it would be like my parents. The love my parents once had ended up being non-existent and sometimes I feel that they only stuck it out because of me. If I wasn't in the picture, there would have not been so much trial and error, there would have not been so much anquish and there would have not been heartache.


Every relationship that I have been in, my boyfriend at the time would probably have been looking towards the great things that could be while deep inside..I'm waiting for everything to fall into pieces. It's not that I loved them any less, as a child that is just how I've trained my heart and coped with the pain. Good things have never really happened to me in the love department and I always try to prepare myself for the worst because you may never know when your whole world could come crashing down on you. Three serious relationships--all failed. My heart's umpire has declared three strikes and trust me, before he could say "you are out"...I saw it all play out in slow motion way before I could even skid for a home run. Especially with the most recent inning, there is no way that I'll be entering the game again.


All the love that I have been focusing on is the love that I have for my job and school only because those are my top priorities...my significant others never understood that. They will probably tell you right now that they did understand but it's hard to believe that when their actions never reassured me that they did. When times got hard, I've been known to run away, to one ex--I'd run to my bff's pad a jet plane ride away. I run away because I either need a breather, I need a time to re-evaluate my life and/or I need time to myself. I know that people have said that running away doesn't solve all of your problems but no one has ever understood how I handled problems either. I'd rather run away and recollect my thoughts so that things that were not meant to be said..aren't said. All of these past relationships have for sure broken my heart time and time again. Just when I would think that the glue has dried up and would keep my shattered heart intact, my heart just gets thrown back down into a million more pieces. I gave my heart to a person that had told me that they would take good care of it and never break it...years went by and they recently came to drop off those shattered pieces (with pieces still lost) in a paper bag--now that has to be the most hurtful.


I know that everything that had happened in the past has made me stronger and wiser. I’ve never brought what had happened in past relationships into any present ones, its just that I don’t want the same mistakes that almost murdered me…reoccur again and possibly be the death of me. So when things of love are laced with me in it, I don’t take it in but just admire it and let it sit on the surface. I look at the past and think that maybe it wasn't my ex's fault, maybe it wasn't OUR fault...maybe it was just my fault. Maybe it's because I had nothing left to give, maybe I wasn't enough. I’ve never allowed myself to have the love the way that those romantic movies entail. I’ve never felt worthy before and no one has ever showed me that I ever was in any way.


This is why I don't believe in marriage, I don't believe there are happily-ever after endings and this is why I don't believe in love. I know that loves exists because I have witnessed them happen to my friends and I feel it when I'm with my family...I just don't think there is love out there for me. My tank is running on empty and trust me, there is a sign that says no refill allowed. So please, I may sometimes come off as a person that has no heart or has no feelings but you have to understand...for me, sometimes not feeling is the only way to survive. I know that I'm not ready for love even if it were to sweep me off my feet and it's because my heart has not yet healed but maybe one day...someone will make me reconsider and become my only exception.

A chat session I had with my dad on Facebook:

Me
and the only reason why you guys are connected is because of me..and only me
Dad
there is still love but in different ways
she choose her path and i choose mines
we will always be connected
until the day we die
Me
yeah
thanks dad, i love you
Dad
you know i always love you and nothing will change that
don't be scared. just listen to yourself and most importantly your heart

p.s if you really want to know how I feel about love, go and watch "When In Rome" with Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel. I'am sooo Kristen Bell but without the happy ever ending and the guys chasing after me.

"And i've always lived like this keeping a comfortable, distance....I had sworn to myself that I was content with loneliness"

Tech-No Drama

In this ever changing world, it would be an under statement if we were to say that technology is "improving" because technology has basically become a necessity to function in our everyday lives. Technology has revolutionized the way people see, think and do things for the worse or for the better.

Now days you don’t have to buy a newspaper to get your up to date news but log on to credible sites and watch speeches as they stream live. For goodness sake, you no longer have to be dialing up 823, 143, or meet me at the fountain with your pager code because you got text messages for that now. You got the web at the convenience of your fingertips. You no longer have to carry around cassette tapes but simply carry over 500 songs on one simple device. The possibilities that were thought to be impossible five years ago are tucked away in your back pocket and majority of today’s technology advances needs the internet to function.

Thanks to technology networks sites such as myspace and facebook, you can connect with friends that you haven’t seen in years. You don’t have to go down to a potential job to apply anymore because you can fill out the necessary forms online. LMAO, WTF, and BRB would not exist if it wasn't for the internet. You can DVR your shows from your computer and promoters can spread their events to a mass amount of people with a simple click. For the fellas I know you thank the internet for them half naked images of Jessica Alba and for the free porn. haha! You ladies also thank the internet for those exclusive discount rates and having those delish laced up outfits delivered straight to you. You also get to to be "in the know" of the ish that just went down before you hear it by mouth...and all because of the internet.

However, let’s take a look at the grim side. You got people from high school that you still don’t like just ask for a friend request. You got people like yourself, reading this very blog thinking that some of these entries are about you when really baby lets spit, the world does not revolve around you. You got the ex going through your page to see if you are miserable without them or you be purposely posting them wild pictures to show your ex that you have been fine without them. You got "supposed friends" checking up on your status so that they can add to their blank bullet amo. You got people that you don’t even know leaving messages in your inbox about ish that is irrelevant to you.

You got people forcing you to indulge in information that is just TMI and because of the internet, people got unwanted stalkers or got people making false profiles with false pictures of them on it. You got people busting out business up on peoples pages for the world to see or got people talking ish because they be misinterpreting comments. You got baby mama in a rage because she saw a picture of you and his son or baby daddy be trying to start a fight with you because you mention their daughter on a status update.

Although people lets get it out there, it’s the freakin’ internet. Rule #1 from a communications graduate student: DO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT IS ON THE INTERNET. Gaaaad. Please don’t be like one of them gullible fools that put Wikipedia down as a reference in a research paper, believe in an ad that the Acai diet will really make you lose 15 pounds in three days or believe in an email that a Nigerian man has a billion dollars waiting for you. If you know that it is good to be true or know that it ain't true then just leave it be. The pictures that you may see up on the net may have some circumstantial reasoning to them so don’t get your panties in a bunch because maybe he is just a friend to your girl...or maybe that crap he sent was written with washable markers. Let them people talk their ish and just press that “block user” button on them crazies. Leave the drama on the net and don't let it break you down or work you up because after all, why waste your time on people that don’t even benefit you? Look at that ish and just consider it as a mere flash of entertainment and if you are grown...
don't just talk about it, be about it.

Like a wise person that I know once said, "Be the bigger person and ignore what others say about you. We are grown adults here, so let's forget what people say on the internet and deal with what's going on in our real lives."

"Now you're running around talking, looking like a fool. I'd like to know what you going do and now who is laughing...when jokes been played on you."