Dear Other Girl

I know all about you. The things that were said to you and the things that were done. You grew to love him from the little conversations that you folks had, the little moments that you felt that were yours. You felt that if you strung along that he would soon recognize that you were better than me. You thought that if you put up with his bullsh*t that he would see that your love was unconditional despite all of the drama. You hated me because I was the one that he came home to. You hated me because you knew wholeheartedly he was not yours.

I know he held your hand as he said “I would never leave you.” He held you close and kissed you as he said, “I’ll always love you.” For every lie you still left your door open for him. You went over great lengths to make sure that he was happy--even when you knew that he was loving me. I know that you beat yourself inside because he was still doing the things that he said he wouldn't do anymore. When you were calling/texting and he didn't answer, know that I saw your name pop up on the caller id. I felt that I had the upper hand because he was with me while you were lonely at home.

Although in all retrospect, I know exactly how you feel because what we denied in our heads was that HE WAS PLAYING THE BOTH OF US FOR FOOLS.

You say that you are a smart, strong and determined woman. Well so am I..yet we let a guy come in between of what we said we stood for. Irrational to think that he truly loved us and naive enough to think that things would change. Believe me when I say, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Despite the love that I thought we had, it obviously wasn't enough for him to cut all ties with you. The promises that he made to you, he also made to me..just when I thought that a certain fight was gonna be the last straw, those empty promises gave me unrealistic reasons…yet I still stayed and you still stayed. We were never superior over each other and we felt that we had him on lock when in actuality it was the other way around.

When we would fight, I blamed you. I thought that if you weren't in the equation that he and I would be better off, that we could be the couple that we have been building up to be. I would say that I never cared if he hung out with you because I thought that he loved me and I accepted his excuse of “trying to be on good terms with everyone in his past and present.” I found myself making the same apology for supposedly overreacting… However what I soon realized was that it wasn't you to blame...I was to blame. I was allowing all of this to happen.

I just want you to know that your feelings are probably mutual to mines. We fell hard because we thought that he was different. We thought that he was genuine and forgave him for the witnessed mistakes because we believe that no one is perfect. We thought that there was something wrong with our love so we tried to up our game on each other but in reality, there was nothing wrong at all. We cried ourselves to sleep, we forgave the hidden secrets/agendas…and despite each episode, our hearts gave all that it had. He said that because there was no clear definition of the relationship, we could not say that he cheated on us. Yet that is what we felt in our hearts.

This is not to call you out. This is not to rub what he had in your face and this is not to remind you what a fool you were…but this to tell you that I was in the same Bermuda triangle as you, I was just sitting in a different boat on the other side. I want to commend you for staying true to your promises, to tell you that I don't have any ill feelings towards you. This is an entry to remind you and myself that we need to stop settling for a mirage and to start finding something REAL.

From one woman to another, we held on for so long because we thought that it was true love..when really, life was waiting for us to let go in order for it to bring us back to the beginning. To remind us who we really are and to empower us with a feeling that we had forgotten in this whole mess...the feeling to be truly happy and to put the love of ourselves as a priority over everything else.


..."This going to be the last time we say goodbye ain't going to be no reruns of this episode"...

"To All The Boys I've Loved Before"

Men too scared to stop acting like boys. Thinking we can love away their scars. So we take the lashes of the insecurities they pour on us and lick our wounds in quiet mournings…



"I will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry and shining full of the knowledge that I’m priceless and worth nothing but honesty…and I will wait for a man to come along, that can give me the truth of how much he can really love me."



p.s. thanks kevin for bringing me back to the these sessions. :)

I'm A Need You To Say Somethin' Baby

So my past revisited me again on another drunk night. What is there left to say? What does he need this time? Don't get it twisted because it's not even like that but he finally wants to even things out. He finally wants to grow up and face our long-awaited issues like a man. At 3am I walk out in the rain to discuss something that took us years to even admit to ourselves--that the love that we once had morphed into something not worth fighting for anymore.

After a series of introductory questions, the inevitable question of "what happened to us?" came about. What am I suppose to say to that? I looked at the face that I once said that I would die for and all the pain that I had suppressed all these years resurfaced on my broken heart. The tears started flowing for the both of us because deep inside we knew that we still loved each other but we were no longer "in love" and we knew we weren't in love for a longtime. We waited for everything to fall apart on its own because we didn't have the heart to break it to the other person.

I spent 1/5 of my life with this guy. We talked about things that we should have resolved when we were facing these problems in the flesh but we agreed that we had always thought our problems would solve themselves. I told him how hurt I was by his betrayal and he told me how hurt he was by my lack of appreciation. He was my longest relationship and to this day, I can say he was the only person that I could have seen myself spending the rest of my life with. For god sakes, we lived with each other for three, we have a dog and treat her as if she’s our child--constantly battling for custody. Heck, he was the first boyfriend that had ever bought me a diamond and was not afraid to put a ring on it. I brought up the issue of him having lack of faith in me and he brought up the fact that I was too focused on my career. “You worked all the time and that hurt our relationship when all I wanted was time with you," he said.

This hurt me a lot because I knew this, it was nothing new. At one point during our years together, I held four jobs and went to school full-time. He would wake me up in the morning for work, he’d set-up my toothbrush with the toothpaste on, he’d cook for me, do my laundry and even planned outings on Sundays because those were the only days that we both had off--I had it good, well..sometimes. As much as I loved him, I still chose my job. I remember canceling our yearly anniversary plans because an overtime shift became available. I know what you folks may be saying, "what a cold hearted b*tch, poor guy" but at the same time you have to understand that at several points, my income had to provide for the both of us. And when it came to career opportunities, he was the first to question my optimism--giving me the feeling that he questioned what I was even capable of.

I told him that I pushed hard for the both of us so that we could have something better and so that we could live comfortably. I wanted him to see that I could admit my faults but also have him recognize his lack of drive. I wanted him to see that I tried to motivate us to be successful in our own right. “I love you but we both have changed” and to that I call BULL because we both haven’t nor were we willing to. We are both the same but it’s just that I was tired of putting up with his bull and he had grown prone to stop putting up with mine.

“We are the right people at the wrong time.” is what he said and I don’t really know if I can incorporate that phrase into this situation because if we were the right people, we would have made the best out of the time we had and we would have made it last till the time was right.

Him: I’m glad that we got all of this out.
Me: Me too.
Him: I’m happy that things are going well for you.
Me: Thank you.
Him: There are so many things that I wish we did. Do you wish we would have done things differently?
Me: I don’t regret a damn thing.
Him:
Me: Say something.

"you and me only and I did it all for you, still you were lonely. we could of worked it out but i guess things change.its funny how someone else’s success brings pain"

10 Words To Consider

"The most selfish 1 letter word: I. Avoid it.
The most satisfying 2 letter word: We. Use it.
The most poisonous 3 letter word: Ego. Kill it.
The most used 4 letter word: Love. Value it.
The most pleasing 5 letter word: Smile. Keep it.
The fastest spreading 6 letter word: Rumour. Ignore it.
The hardest working 7 letter word: Success. Achieve it.
The most enviable 8 letter word: Jealousy. Distance it.
The most powerful 9 letter word: Knowledge. Aquire it.
The most essential 10 letter word: Confidence. Trust it."

All to be a better you. :)

The Other Loves Of My Life

Another random trip completed, more lessons learned. From San Francisco to San Diego to Los Angeles and to Vegas, the fun times over powered the heartache that followed soon after and over a span of a couple of weeks.

This trip opened my eyes and made me realize the uniqueness of each person that I have in my life. I ran through the list of people that life has chosen for me and not only has this pondering made me appreciate their efforts in keeping our relationship alive but it has made me appreciate them for who they entirely are. They say that the people that don’t really matter will eventually fade out. However, I’m grateful for the people that have walked in and have walked out because it has taught me that it’s not about quantity but the quality of people that you surround yourself with. 

I believe that the love you have for someone is one of the most unselfish things that you could probably give anyone because you both offer a piece of yourselves in hopes that it is an even trade. The relationships that you build with these certain individuals are not only built on trust, honesty, and love but it is also built on flaws and imperfections that make your relationship entirely and solely one of a kind.

It makes you appreciate the friend that may seem like the group f*ck up because inside you know that even though they haven’t made the best life decisions--no matter how intense the heat may be, they are probably the most loyal friend out of the group and will thrown down with you if someone were to step on your toes. It makes you appreciate the friend that is not afraid to tell you things like a straight shot of warm patron with no lime or salt. At least you know that they are being totally honest with you, even it means hurting your feelings because you know that they are just trying to give you another perspective and a reality check all together.

Or the friend that you know will stand by you despite the disagreements or the physical distance because you know that they will be the very one to fly out for your birthday three years in a row, guide you through whatever when you seem to have lost your directions, will tuck you into bed after a long night of alcoholic sampling while soaking in your bile, and will be the first one to lend an ear when you feel like the world seems to misunderstand your good intentions—all because for you their love is unconditional.

It makes you appreciate even that one person that you probably haven’t talked to you in years. You know that despite the lack of communication, just one lunch date with them will remind you that they are still in your corner after all these years—encouraging your dreams and aspirations because they knew what you are capable of way before you could even recognize it within yourself.  Or that one person that you probably have hurt by rejection—they still chose to remain in contact with you even though you have broken their heart. You know that everything that you folks have gone through have only made you two stronger. Through the pain and heartache that you may have caused they still value your opinion, presence and appreciate your extension of love even it means just being friends.

The friend that can’t seem to stop talking about old diners, history, and scientific things that don’t seem to really fancy you. Yet you appreciate their strong curious spirit because they are the very person that will drive straight from the club to sin city with you after a long night of drunkenness, will help conquer your fear of heights by riding the Stratosphere’s Big Shot with you and is the very person that will remind you that you only live once.

What about the person that you seem to have a love/hate relationship with? You know that despite the drama, the words that you two may seem to want to take back and the tug of war of emotions...At the end of the day there is no other person that has a stronger will to keep you in their lives because with each round that you shoot out (even when your have aimed at their bulls-eye time and time again)--their love remains bulletproof to it all. All because they would risk the fall with you just so they could experience how it feels to fly high alongside with you.  

To all of the people that are still in my life, I know that sometimes we may not see eye to eye, we may only call each other once a month, we may be living in totally different worlds or we may be living in the same state but I haven’t seen you in years---just know that I have not forgotten about you. I’m still here for you if you need me, I’ve never left you. I have always had your back and I have always been here to help break your fall. My loves… thank you for giving me an even trade of yourself without being an Indian giver, for holding my hand while sheltering me from rain and for the priceless memories that have been unforgettable—simply because it was shared with you. I look forward to the many more years that are being granted to us and for the many adventures that still await us. 

"In a world that seems to get colder &colder. don't you worry cause my love will only get stronger & stronger...Cause I'm gonna love you, gonna hold you through it all"