The Only Exception

Alternating ego and trash talk aside, I'll peal off the bullet proof guard and open my heart--place it up front and center. I've only been in a few relationships and all at a minimum have past one year. However I've always been told that I have been the cold hearted one, the one so quick to jump the gun when things got tough and the one always being selfish. It is not always true but if anyone took the time to understand that way I view love, then maybe they would understand why it takes me so long to even consider love and I being in the same sentence.


*Mommy (I know that you have recently been reading my blogs. I'm sorry that I've never told you this.)


You see my parents had me at a young age and we all know how it is like being young and in love. :) Growing up, I never understood the relationship between my parents because as a child I would remember little family outings--just the three of us. Then the next thing you know, I would hear all these stories from my relatives of why my parents were not meant to be together. It confused me as a young kid and I remember every Sunday at church praying for my parents to get back together. It made me jealous to see kids that had both parents at May day performances or award ceremonies because even though I was young and thinking irrational, I felt that I wasn't worthy for both of my parents to love me at the same time.


I hardly saw my mom when I was in grade school but it was because she was trying her hardest to provide for me. I knew that it was hard for my mommy to be raising a baby when she was still young herself. My daddy was caught up in his own world but I knew that he tried to straighten things up to prove to my mommy and I that he loved us. As I got older my parents tried to move on but throughout that process, I felt that I was lost in the jumble because not only did they have to share their love with their significant others...I always felt that it meant less love for me.

 My parents tried to give it another shot but I knew that things were just too good to be true. The day of my Miss Oahu Filipina competition, my daddy calls me and tells me the heart breaking news. My daddy is the safe guard of my heart and to hear my strong daddy's heart cry minutes before I'm suppose to get the show on the road--my firm heart liquefied within seconds that night. To see my parents hurt each other like that was hard for me to deal with and so hard to comprehend. You see, I'm scared that if I ever were to love...it would be like my parents. The love my parents once had ended up being non-existent and sometimes I feel that they only stuck it out because of me. If I wasn't in the picture, there would have not been so much trial and error, there would have not been so much anquish and there would have not been heartache.


Every relationship that I have been in, my boyfriend at the time would probably have been looking towards the great things that could be while deep inside..I'm waiting for everything to fall into pieces. It's not that I loved them any less, as a child that is just how I've trained my heart and coped with the pain. Good things have never really happened to me in the love department and I always try to prepare myself for the worst because you may never know when your whole world could come crashing down on you. Three serious relationships--all failed. My heart's umpire has declared three strikes and trust me, before he could say "you are out"...I saw it all play out in slow motion way before I could even skid for a home run. Especially with the most recent inning, there is no way that I'll be entering the game again.


All the love that I have been focusing on is the love that I have for my job and school only because those are my top priorities...my significant others never understood that. They will probably tell you right now that they did understand but it's hard to believe that when their actions never reassured me that they did. When times got hard, I've been known to run away, to one ex--I'd run to my bff's pad a jet plane ride away. I run away because I either need a breather, I need a time to re-evaluate my life and/or I need time to myself. I know that people have said that running away doesn't solve all of your problems but no one has ever understood how I handled problems either. I'd rather run away and recollect my thoughts so that things that were not meant to be said..aren't said. All of these past relationships have for sure broken my heart time and time again. Just when I would think that the glue has dried up and would keep my shattered heart intact, my heart just gets thrown back down into a million more pieces. I gave my heart to a person that had told me that they would take good care of it and never break it...years went by and they recently came to drop off those shattered pieces (with pieces still lost) in a paper bag--now that has to be the most hurtful.


I know that everything that had happened in the past has made me stronger and wiser. I’ve never brought what had happened in past relationships into any present ones, its just that I don’t want the same mistakes that almost murdered me…reoccur again and possibly be the death of me. So when things of love are laced with me in it, I don’t take it in but just admire it and let it sit on the surface. I look at the past and think that maybe it wasn't my ex's fault, maybe it wasn't OUR fault...maybe it was just my fault. Maybe it's because I had nothing left to give, maybe I wasn't enough. I’ve never allowed myself to have the love the way that those romantic movies entail. I’ve never felt worthy before and no one has ever showed me that I ever was in any way.


This is why I don't believe in marriage, I don't believe there are happily-ever after endings and this is why I don't believe in love. I know that loves exists because I have witnessed them happen to my friends and I feel it when I'm with my family...I just don't think there is love out there for me. My tank is running on empty and trust me, there is a sign that says no refill allowed. So please, I may sometimes come off as a person that has no heart or has no feelings but you have to understand...for me, sometimes not feeling is the only way to survive. I know that I'm not ready for love even if it were to sweep me off my feet and it's because my heart has not yet healed but maybe one day...someone will make me reconsider and become my only exception.

A chat session I had with my dad on Facebook:

Me
and the only reason why you guys are connected is because of me..and only me
Dad
there is still love but in different ways
she choose her path and i choose mines
we will always be connected
until the day we die
Me
yeah
thanks dad, i love you
Dad
you know i always love you and nothing will change that
don't be scared. just listen to yourself and most importantly your heart

p.s if you really want to know how I feel about love, go and watch "When In Rome" with Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel. I'am sooo Kristen Bell but without the happy ever ending and the guys chasing after me.

"And i've always lived like this keeping a comfortable, distance....I had sworn to myself that I was content with loneliness"

Tech-No Drama

In this ever changing world, it would be an under statement if we were to say that technology is "improving" because technology has basically become a necessity to function in our everyday lives. Technology has revolutionized the way people see, think and do things for the worse or for the better.

Now days you don’t have to buy a newspaper to get your up to date news but log on to credible sites and watch speeches as they stream live. For goodness sake, you no longer have to be dialing up 823, 143, or meet me at the fountain with your pager code because you got text messages for that now. You got the web at the convenience of your fingertips. You no longer have to carry around cassette tapes but simply carry over 500 songs on one simple device. The possibilities that were thought to be impossible five years ago are tucked away in your back pocket and majority of today’s technology advances needs the internet to function.

Thanks to technology networks sites such as myspace and facebook, you can connect with friends that you haven’t seen in years. You don’t have to go down to a potential job to apply anymore because you can fill out the necessary forms online. LMAO, WTF, and BRB would not exist if it wasn't for the internet. You can DVR your shows from your computer and promoters can spread their events to a mass amount of people with a simple click. For the fellas I know you thank the internet for them half naked images of Jessica Alba and for the free porn. haha! You ladies also thank the internet for those exclusive discount rates and having those delish laced up outfits delivered straight to you. You also get to to be "in the know" of the ish that just went down before you hear it by mouth...and all because of the internet.

However, let’s take a look at the grim side. You got people from high school that you still don’t like just ask for a friend request. You got people like yourself, reading this very blog thinking that some of these entries are about you when really baby lets spit, the world does not revolve around you. You got the ex going through your page to see if you are miserable without them or you be purposely posting them wild pictures to show your ex that you have been fine without them. You got "supposed friends" checking up on your status so that they can add to their blank bullet amo. You got people that you don’t even know leaving messages in your inbox about ish that is irrelevant to you.

You got people forcing you to indulge in information that is just TMI and because of the internet, people got unwanted stalkers or got people making false profiles with false pictures of them on it. You got people busting out business up on peoples pages for the world to see or got people talking ish because they be misinterpreting comments. You got baby mama in a rage because she saw a picture of you and his son or baby daddy be trying to start a fight with you because you mention their daughter on a status update.

Although people lets get it out there, it’s the freakin’ internet. Rule #1 from a communications graduate student: DO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT IS ON THE INTERNET. Gaaaad. Please don’t be like one of them gullible fools that put Wikipedia down as a reference in a research paper, believe in an ad that the Acai diet will really make you lose 15 pounds in three days or believe in an email that a Nigerian man has a billion dollars waiting for you. If you know that it is good to be true or know that it ain't true then just leave it be. The pictures that you may see up on the net may have some circumstantial reasoning to them so don’t get your panties in a bunch because maybe he is just a friend to your girl...or maybe that crap he sent was written with washable markers. Let them people talk their ish and just press that “block user” button on them crazies. Leave the drama on the net and don't let it break you down or work you up because after all, why waste your time on people that don’t even benefit you? Look at that ish and just consider it as a mere flash of entertainment and if you are grown...
don't just talk about it, be about it.

Like a wise person that I know once said, "Be the bigger person and ignore what others say about you. We are grown adults here, so let's forget what people say on the internet and deal with what's going on in our real lives."

"Now you're running around talking, looking like a fool. I'd like to know what you going do and now who is laughing...when jokes been played on you."

All In Dignity

I have always valued my relationships with my family, friends and acquaintances. Whether I see them everyday or once every 10 years, I would like to think that they value my friendship the same way that I value theirs. When it comes to relationships, the word perfect does not exist. Despite the trials and tribulations, you would like to think that a person would at least give you the type of respect that any human being deserves.

With every problem individual’s face, some often release their thoughts by keeping it to themselves, talking to others, or writing them down. However when it all comes down to confiding in someone, I can proudly say that I only confide in a certain amount of individuals. There are certain people that I talk to about certain things and there are only two people that know everything (like my bff since the first grade and the other, my future maid of honor). Some people may think that my two sources of release would be bias but they have told me flat out if I have done wrong or crossed the lines, getting me to admit my faults.

You would think that if there is a problem between you and another person that they would not get people involved because that is the adult and mature thing to do. It is one thing to seek others thoughts regarding your situation but it’s another thing to put someone on blast for everyone to see. Guess some people want to maintain their image of being the good person that they are. However in reality, everyone has a good and bad side to them. The difference between me and other people in this world is that I won't point out a person’s faults for the whole world to criticize in order to make me feel adequate because that is just not how I play, especially with accusations that are based on false interpretations. Why would you need to tell everyone on your facebook list about your personal issues with someone? Do you need validation for your actions or what you are feeling? It may not be in other people's play book but I been taught to play fair and I know how it feels when others play dirty.

Whoever said that "sticks and stones will break my bones but words would never hurt me" is a liar. I'd rather feel the deadly wrath of his again--over 200 lbs., standing at 5'9 with a brick hand and a 100 times over then hear words that deface my character. I'll admit that I'm not perfect. I have done things that I'm not too proud of but let's just set the record straight, my heart has never wandered. People now days make assumptions with no hard evidence or believe everything that they read on the internet without asking you the load down face to face, knowing that you got actual sources to authenticate your story. I'd rather be cut up with bruises all over then to hear someone that I thought that I could trust, be the cruel and heartless person that they said they would never be. You’ve got medical remedies to heal your cuts and bruises but there are no guaranteed fixes for cruel words. It's hard to be heard when someone has other people whispering their useless two cents in their ear because lets face it...the person that is trying to argue with you is arguing about a pointless issue off of things that are non-existent.

In relationships, you can push the blame when you both face a problem but all in all..it takes two to tango. I could straight call this person out and stoop down to their level but what good would that do? I could say things like “although true beauty lies within the beholder, with you, your heart is stone cold and worthless” but I’m not. I don’t have to prove nothing to anyone but that one person that I’m having issues with. We can’t change the past or determine our future but we can take care of what we are dealing with right now. Whether it hurts to face our problems, when it comes to someone that I love and care about..it is hard to just walk away from it because I’m not a quitter. How can I be revived when this person uses other mediums to communicate with me instead of talking face to face? Whether this person wants me in their life or not, my doors have no lock and is open for discussions of clarification.

With reasons of all in dignity, through the good and bad, the tears and smiles, my wrong doings along with yours…all I can do is respect your wishes because I know that your stubbornness is as strong as mine. Maybe we took each other for granted, maybe we lost our way but my heart never second guessed or strayed away and always stood strong to weather out the storm. Although beaten and battered, throughout these years I have stood by this person’s side despite what he has done to me and despite what others have said. Why you say? Maybe it’s because you always think that things will get better in time and you would think that despite everything that you two have gone through, they would give you the decency to stop pointing fingers, setting pride aside and to at least consider the thought, that no one's to blame... maybe the game that the two of you had played left the both of you in a stale mate.


“We could've made everything ok but we just threw the blame back and forth. We treated love like a sport. The final blow hit so low I'm still on the ground.”

Case Of The Ex

Persistence is a good trait when it comes to situations like establishing credibility in your industry, getting that jump shot just right and pursuing your dreams. When it comes to persistence trying to make a relationship work especially when it is about pursuing a potential, then that is where I have to scream for the brakes and say halt. Persistence in that sort of stand point needs to be justified because if it means persistently trying to make the guy give you some sort of commitment then honey, you may just be barking up the wrong tree with the wrong tone.

What makes it so funny when it comes to traits of persistence are situations where you and a potential hit it off and a boulder seems to come out of no where right after it hears about you two. Just when you thought it was all good and gravy because the boy can carry a conversation, is very polite and is well put together--a case of the ex rolls through trying to tear all that ish up. Whether it is a case of a ex-girlfriend or a ex-potential, the chick is trying to strap your guy down some way or another by persistently trying to get your guy to "come back home." Although honey how can you get a guy to supposedly come back home when you two never signed a lease? and how you gonna come after me, running your mouth when I never said anything about you? I mean...I'll admit. I got no declaration ticket but we are sitting on the same baggage claim conveyor belt admiring no one else's company but each others - ain't no wrong in that so I don't understand why you trippin' off of it.

We all know that giddy feeling when we find a potential in the love department. You get that ear to ear smile when you see his name pop up on your cell phone, you plan the outfits way ahead of your set dates out and the butterflies that are flying in your tummy when you two hold hands seem to be flapping their wings so hard that it makes you work up a pair of clammy hands. Although this feeling may have you going ga-ga, the same feeling can make people territorial. For example the exs. Exs--just because you had the guy before don't mean ish to me because lets look at the facts:

1. You aren't together or probably never was.

2. He is a grown guy. He don't need you to be holding his hand. He can make his own decisions on what, where and when he wants to do things.

3. We ain't together either so that means he is free game. You can work your magic, be my guest but you know that if we roll up to a spot...he will tell everyone that he rolled up with me.

4. Actions speak louder than words.

Everyone can relate to having experienced the wrath of some crazy exs, maybe know some or potential crazy ones. lol. I just don't understand how someone can blow up my guys phone or place of work 10 times harder than I do, give my guy ultimatums with consequences attached and contact all of his boys or our mutual friends to investigate his stance or whereabouts. That's where I step back and laugh because its like..really? I mean..are you really gonna put yourself out like that? I'm not trying to say that I'm all that because trust me ladies and gents, I have my imperfections and flaws but why be down for someone that ain't down for you? From one female to another, a bad performing un-fulfilling woman drives a man away.

I totally understand the act of persistence when it means trying to make a relationship work but you have to have reasonable circumstances. Like if you have mutual friends or have kids involved, that all falls under the terms "reasonable" because whether or not two individuals agree to stay together, you two should respect each other enough to at least walk out of the relationship as friends. May I also add, you should not have to force things to work and you should not try to change people to conform to your ideologies of how a good significant other should be.

Girls should understand that even though a potential relationship didn't work out in the love department, you should be adult enough to leave the situation in good terms. If he don't want anything to do with you then why bother trying to keep that person in your life? There is no point in holding a salty grudge about a potential that happened a couple years ago or on to an ex that obviously has moved on. Never understood why girls believe that guys will find their way back because why are you going to settle benching on the sidelines when you have an opportunity to try out as a starter in the game?

Besides, he is in good hands.


"Ain't no need to fuss and fight tryin' to make it right. Certain things ain't meant to be and that's why...he's right here with me."

Girl/Boy Tree Climbs

My Boy Lionel & I had a conversation about my last blog with dating and this is his theory:

Girls View:
Girls are apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones cause they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good but easy. The apples up top think something is wrong with them. In reality they're the best. They have to wait for the right boy to come along the one who is brave, to go to the top.

Boys View:
Boys know that the best ones are on the top of the tree, It's not that we don't want to reach for them they just don't want to come off the tree when we pick them. The guys don't usually fall, it's usually the girls cause when it's picked and it falls off our hands there's a long way down and the fall is not soft, its hard. It then leaves a dent in it and some times it cracks open to the point where we see the bad seeds. The bottom apples are just as good as the top ones are...they just need a little shine towards the hearth.

I think that both views ring true and has its own defenses to it. However, I believe that no girl should lower her standards (unless they are ridiculous and unrealistic) and that guys should never think that they are unworthy. Both sexes should try at whoever they are interested in because you may never know unless you try. What do you think?