Alternating ego and trash talk aside, I'll peal off the bullet proof guard and open my heart--place it up front and center. I've only been in a few relationships and all at a minimum have past one year. However I've always been told that I have been the cold hearted one, the one so quick to jump the gun when things got tough and the one always being selfish. It is not always true but if anyone took the time to understand that way I view love, then maybe they would understand why it takes me so long to even consider love and I being in the same sentence.
*Mommy (I know that you have recently been reading my blogs. I'm sorry that I've never told you this.)
You see my parents had me at a young age and we all know how it is like being young and in love. :) Growing up, I never understood the relationship between my parents because as a child I would remember little family outings--just the three of us. Then the next thing you know, I would hear all these stories from my relatives of why my parents were not meant to be together. It confused me as a young kid and I remember every Sunday at church praying for my parents to get back together. It made me jealous to see kids that had both parents at May day performances or award ceremonies because even though I was young and thinking irrational, I felt that I wasn't worthy for both of my parents to love me at the same time.
I hardly saw my mom when I was in grade school but it was because she was trying her hardest to provide for me. I knew that it was hard for my mommy to be raising a baby when she was still young herself. My daddy was caught up in his own world but I knew that he tried to straighten things up to prove to my mommy and I that he loved us. As I got older my parents tried to move on but throughout that process, I felt that I was lost in the jumble because not only did they have to share their love with their significant others...I always felt that it meant less love for me.
My parents tried to give it another shot but I knew that things were just too good to be true. The day of my Miss Oahu Filipina competition, my daddy calls me and tells me the heart breaking news. My daddy is the safe guard of my heart and to hear my strong daddy's heart cry minutes before I'm suppose to get the show on the road--my firm heart liquefied within seconds that night. To see my parents hurt each other like that was hard for me to deal with and so hard to comprehend. You see, I'm scared that if I ever were to love...it would be like my parents. The love my parents once had ended up being non-existent and sometimes I feel that they only stuck it out because of me. If I wasn't in the picture, there would have not been so much trial and error, there would have not been so much anquish and there would have not been heartache.
Every relationship that I have been in, my boyfriend at the time would probably have been looking towards the great things that could be while deep inside..I'm waiting for everything to fall into pieces. It's not that I loved them any less, as a child that is just how I've trained my heart and coped with the pain. Good things have never really happened to me in the love department and I always try to prepare myself for the worst because you may never know when your whole world could come crashing down on you. Three serious relationships--all failed. My heart's umpire has declared three strikes and trust me, before he could say "you are out"...I saw it all play out in slow motion way before I could even skid for a home run. Especially with the most recent inning, there is no way that I'll be entering the game again.
All the love that I have been focusing on is the love that I have for my job and school only because those are my top priorities...my significant others never understood that. They will probably tell you right now that they did understand but it's hard to believe that when their actions never reassured me that they did. When times got hard, I've been known to run away, to one ex--I'd run to my bff's pad a jet plane ride away. I run away because I either need a breather, I need a time to re-evaluate my life and/or I need time to myself. I know that people have said that running away doesn't solve all of your problems but no one has ever understood how I handled problems either. I'd rather run away and recollect my thoughts so that things that were not meant to be said..aren't said. All of these past relationships have for sure broken my heart time and time again. Just when I would think that the glue has dried up and would keep my shattered heart intact, my heart just gets thrown back down into a million more pieces. I gave my heart to a person that had told me that they would take good care of it and never break it...years went by and they recently came to drop off those shattered pieces (with pieces still lost) in a paper bag--now that has to be the most hurtful.
I know that everything that had happened in the past has made me stronger and wiser. I’ve never brought what had happened in past relationships into any present ones, its just that I don’t want the same mistakes that almost murdered me…reoccur again and possibly be the death of me. So when things of love are laced with me in it, I don’t take it in but just admire it and let it sit on the surface. I look at the past and think that maybe it wasn't my ex's fault, maybe it wasn't OUR fault...maybe it was just my fault. Maybe it's because I had nothing left to give, maybe I wasn't enough. I’ve never allowed myself to have the love the way that those romantic movies entail. I’ve never felt worthy before and no one has ever showed me that I ever was in any way.
This is why I don't believe in marriage, I don't believe there are happily-ever after endings and this is why I don't believe in love. I know that loves exists because I have witnessed them happen to my friends and I feel it when I'm with my family...I just don't think there is love out there for me. My tank is running on empty and trust me, there is a sign that says no refill allowed. So please, I may sometimes come off as a person that has no heart or has no feelings but you have to understand...for me, sometimes not feeling is the only way to survive. I know that I'm not ready for love even if it were to sweep me off my feet and it's because my heart has not yet healed but maybe one day...someone will make me reconsider and become my only exception.
*Mommy (I know that you have recently been reading my blogs. I'm sorry that I've never told you this.)
You see my parents had me at a young age and we all know how it is like being young and in love. :) Growing up, I never understood the relationship between my parents because as a child I would remember little family outings--just the three of us. Then the next thing you know, I would hear all these stories from my relatives of why my parents were not meant to be together. It confused me as a young kid and I remember every Sunday at church praying for my parents to get back together. It made me jealous to see kids that had both parents at May day performances or award ceremonies because even though I was young and thinking irrational, I felt that I wasn't worthy for both of my parents to love me at the same time.
I hardly saw my mom when I was in grade school but it was because she was trying her hardest to provide for me. I knew that it was hard for my mommy to be raising a baby when she was still young herself. My daddy was caught up in his own world but I knew that he tried to straighten things up to prove to my mommy and I that he loved us. As I got older my parents tried to move on but throughout that process, I felt that I was lost in the jumble because not only did they have to share their love with their significant others...I always felt that it meant less love for me.
My parents tried to give it another shot but I knew that things were just too good to be true. The day of my Miss Oahu Filipina competition, my daddy calls me and tells me the heart breaking news. My daddy is the safe guard of my heart and to hear my strong daddy's heart cry minutes before I'm suppose to get the show on the road--my firm heart liquefied within seconds that night. To see my parents hurt each other like that was hard for me to deal with and so hard to comprehend. You see, I'm scared that if I ever were to love...it would be like my parents. The love my parents once had ended up being non-existent and sometimes I feel that they only stuck it out because of me. If I wasn't in the picture, there would have not been so much trial and error, there would have not been so much anquish and there would have not been heartache.
Every relationship that I have been in, my boyfriend at the time would probably have been looking towards the great things that could be while deep inside..I'm waiting for everything to fall into pieces. It's not that I loved them any less, as a child that is just how I've trained my heart and coped with the pain. Good things have never really happened to me in the love department and I always try to prepare myself for the worst because you may never know when your whole world could come crashing down on you. Three serious relationships--all failed. My heart's umpire has declared three strikes and trust me, before he could say "you are out"...I saw it all play out in slow motion way before I could even skid for a home run. Especially with the most recent inning, there is no way that I'll be entering the game again.
All the love that I have been focusing on is the love that I have for my job and school only because those are my top priorities...my significant others never understood that. They will probably tell you right now that they did understand but it's hard to believe that when their actions never reassured me that they did. When times got hard, I've been known to run away, to one ex--I'd run to my bff's pad a jet plane ride away. I run away because I either need a breather, I need a time to re-evaluate my life and/or I need time to myself. I know that people have said that running away doesn't solve all of your problems but no one has ever understood how I handled problems either. I'd rather run away and recollect my thoughts so that things that were not meant to be said..aren't said. All of these past relationships have for sure broken my heart time and time again. Just when I would think that the glue has dried up and would keep my shattered heart intact, my heart just gets thrown back down into a million more pieces. I gave my heart to a person that had told me that they would take good care of it and never break it...years went by and they recently came to drop off those shattered pieces (with pieces still lost) in a paper bag--now that has to be the most hurtful.
I know that everything that had happened in the past has made me stronger and wiser. I’ve never brought what had happened in past relationships into any present ones, its just that I don’t want the same mistakes that almost murdered me…reoccur again and possibly be the death of me. So when things of love are laced with me in it, I don’t take it in but just admire it and let it sit on the surface. I look at the past and think that maybe it wasn't my ex's fault, maybe it wasn't OUR fault...maybe it was just my fault. Maybe it's because I had nothing left to give, maybe I wasn't enough. I’ve never allowed myself to have the love the way that those romantic movies entail. I’ve never felt worthy before and no one has ever showed me that I ever was in any way.
This is why I don't believe in marriage, I don't believe there are happily-ever after endings and this is why I don't believe in love. I know that loves exists because I have witnessed them happen to my friends and I feel it when I'm with my family...I just don't think there is love out there for me. My tank is running on empty and trust me, there is a sign that says no refill allowed. So please, I may sometimes come off as a person that has no heart or has no feelings but you have to understand...for me, sometimes not feeling is the only way to survive. I know that I'm not ready for love even if it were to sweep me off my feet and it's because my heart has not yet healed but maybe one day...someone will make me reconsider and become my only exception.
A chat session I had with my dad on Facebook:
Me
and the only reason why you guys are connected is because of me..and only me
Dad
there is still love but in different ways
she choose her path and i choose mines
we will always be connected
until the day we die
Me
yeah
thanks dad, i love you
Dad
you know i always love you and nothing will change that
don't be scared. just listen to yourself and most importantly your heart
p.s if you really want to know how I feel about love, go and watch "When In Rome" with Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel. I'am sooo Kristen Bell but without the happy ever ending and the guys chasing after me.
"And i've always lived like this keeping a comfortable, distance....I had sworn to myself that I was content with loneliness"
