The Love Factor

I can't help but look into those eyes of yours. The same eyes that has raised my heart to new heights but at the same time has shattered it in mid-flight. The past is something that we both can't change but I guess when we decided to go on this unexpected adventure, you could not ease your grip on that piece of baggage that you carry.
  
Lord knows how hard I've tried. 

I'm torn because I want us to work. I want us to live this lifetime being together. I know that life will put us on a  roller coaster of a ride but a part of me believes that if we are together, we can make that ride worthwhile...that together we can conquer the world.

As much as I want that to be our reality, a part of me wants us to move on because I shouldn't have to persuade you. If your heart is not in it then there is really nothing that I can do. I shouldn't have to make exceptions because I'm in love with you. If you want me in your life, you'll make the effort to keep me. No matter how much we grow, you remind me how we just aren't going to work. We will continue to make excuses for things that we can't wholeheartedly confront .

The moment you looked into my eyes and told me you that you loved me but wasn't in love...as much as I want to forget it, it replays over and over in my head as my heart slowly disintegrates. I guess I'm puzzled because I played by all the rules and gave everything that was left in me yet I still wasn't good enough for you.

I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved you. Although as we close this chapter of our lives, I know that you'll never find someone that will love you as much as I do. My heart would take a bullet for you, it's just sad to know that right now with all this heartache...you are behind the trigger.


I know we hold on to each other because we are comfortable and we are aligned on so many levels. However, maybe we are the right people but at the wrong time. We will never know. Even though this may be hard for us to do, it's time we face reality and let go. But I guess with us, the hardest thing in life is letting go of what you thought was real.



...."Tell me who I have to be to get some reciprocity...See I know what we've got to do, You let go and I'll let go too."...

Liquid Confessions (Part 4)

(continued from Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)

As much I want to admit that I'm happier, there are little things that seem to pull me back. I swear that he is amazing, but he just doesn't get it. Well he gets it, I guess he just doesn't get it like how you did. It's not his fault, he just needs to get used to it or am I just lying to myself?

It's been a couple weeks since we last talked and I understand that you are out there working to build your reputation, your foundation and most of all you are out there perfecting your craft. It's nice to be able to have normal conversations where we don't bicker about the past. It's nice to have someone that knows where you have been and and is proud to see where you are currently at. It's nice to move forward with someone by your side, encouraging you every step of the way.

With us, we have finally come to terms that even though we will never get back together; that we have each other's back.  Because the past was meant to happen and we had to go through it in order to bring us where we are today. We may not be in the position where we thought we would be but at the same time, it's nice to know that you are still here with me.

As I'm sink my feet in the sand and close my eyes, my short time of relaxation is abruptly interrupted. So I look onward as the sun bids the skies farewell.

"What's cooking good looking?"
"Nothing much, just on the beach."
"Soaking up some sun I see."
"No, just came to hear the ocean."
"If you went to hear the ocean, that can only mean one thing. Everything ok?"
"Just thinking things through; about love, my career, you know...life."
"Well you are a good person. Don't think too hard."
"Yeah, I try not to over think, I can only hope that it's right."


We have known each other for so long that we get each other. We don't have to say what we are pertaining to or even explain ourselves. You can tell by my use or words that something is on my mind and when I look into your eyes, I already know how your heart feels. As we said our goodbyes, you abstractly ended the conversation letting me know that in the end you will always care.




"Tell me have you heard that lately? I’m just sayin’ you could do better."

Just when you thought you were the only one, you were one of many. 


#dontbefoolish
#knowyourworth

Europe Reflection

I recently just went to Europe for two weeks. I must say that it was the most life changing experience of my life. I told myself that after I finished graduate school that I would visit one country a year, with this trip I was able to visit five . I ate good food, met new people and saw things that I have only seen in history books. I can't say it enough but my mind, body and soul needed this. This gave me an opportunity to just simply be me with no itinerary and by no rules but mine. As I traveled during this trip, I also was able to reflect. Reflect on my life; reflecting where my life had been, where it is now and where I want to go...with the people that I need to leave behind while continuing with selective ones through this journey called life. Below is a a piece that I wrote that basically shows what was going through my mind during the best two weeks of my life.

Your mind is racing, planning out tomorrow, the week, the month.
Buying valuable time that you can't even afford.
Too worried about what the future may hold from the decisions that you make today.
Yet too scared to re-live the mistakes of the past.
Letting people auction off your self-worth, bit by bit.
Playing the blame game by substituting luxury with joy that is only temporary.
Listen to me when I say that your soul can't stop searching because what you've been looking for is right in front of you.
So stop running baby.
Just. Stand. Still.
It's the simple things that you tend to forget
Don't seek cover when it rains, dance in it and let it wash away all of your sorrows.
Leave what has been designated as your priorities behind and drive.
Steer aimelessly with your inner conscious deciding your destination.
Focus on nothing but the beautiful that is you.
Greet the sun and let it caress every inch of you.
Close your eyes and just breathe.
If you must, let out all that you have manifested.
Let your tears run with the ocean.
Smirk at yourself as you gaze into the horizon.
Indulge in your blessings, listen to your heart and find enlightenment in the shades of gray.
Because your are capable of anything that you set out to do.
Don't settle baby, just don't.
Stop dreaming and stop wondering of how it's suppose to be.
Take the lead and create the unthinkable.
Because you deserve so much more, it's just up to you if you believe that you deserve it to.

Stay tuned to nonstophonolulu.com, as I bring you exclusive blogs and photos of the trip.

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this...”

- Pablo Neruda

Her: never knew that. lol. its funny how you say things after the fact.
Him: I just didnt really know what I was doing. I still dont really know now.

Her: same here but that is the beauty of life.we dont really know what we are doing, just following our hearts and intuition..with both guiding us exactly where we need to be.

I love the conversations that I have with the wonderful people in my life.

Two things define your success in life.

1)The way you manage when you have nothing.

2)The way you behave when you have everything.

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

-- Martin Luther King Jr.

"Don’t be so close minded because your mind is only suffocating from your very own ignorance."



♥ Yours Truly

Nothing Less Than Ambitious

"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore. "

- Lady Gaga

Cosmopolitan March 2010 Issue



My friends sometimes think that I spread myself too thin and all of my exs can tell you that I've got that competitive hustle, sometimes too much for my own good and sanity. While my career-oriented mindset has not affected my friendships, it has often times affected my personal relationships.

The industry that I have decided to follow can sometimes be called a "thank-less" job. Although that may be the case at times, I've always followed the wise words of Confucius: "find a career that you love so that you won't have to work a day in your life." Even though the harsh realities of my industry can be exhausting, the love and hate relationship with it falls mostly in love. There were times back in the day and even sometimes now, where people ask for work "favors." Knowing that I'm not going to get anything in return, if my schedule and ability is able...then I take it on. My significant others never understood why but I never asked them to comprehend it all. Coming from an immigrant family, hard work is in our blood. Even though I have put my work assignments before family gatherings at times, my family has always understood the importance of my work, most of all they have always understood my passion for it.

The exs knew I indulged myself in my work but didn't know just how deep. In every relationship that I have been in, I have always gotten into arguments over my work schedule. Working well over 50 hours a week, it was frustrating to come home to words of: "you are hardly home," "when are we going to spend time?," or the famous line because I'm so tired that I don't want to cuddle.."you don't love me anymore." As much as I wanted my former men to want my affection, making me feel guilty about it just became irritating at times, sometimes like white noise.

It was often hard when I felt like I had to choose between love for a guy and my career. Even though these guys knew where I wanted to be, they never quite understood just how determined I was until it was too late into the relationship. Every break up ended up with them saying that I loved my job more than them and that I was being selfish. As heartbreaking as it was then, I know that if I were in their shoes, I would have said this: "I wish you nothing but success in all that your pursue. I love you enough to let you go so that you can pursue the dreams that you had before us. I can only hope that our paths will cross again someday but I know that I'd rather have you leave to find out what can be instead of having you stay and wonder what if."

Because I'll never hold someone back. I'd rather have them chase their dreams then chase our love. Like my homie Wale would say "I love the person that you are, but I'm in love with the person that you have potential to be." So even though love can be my kryptonite, I'd rather have someone push me to be the superwoman that I have yet to become...even if it meant leaving the both of us with broken hearts and even if it meant our heartache being the cost of teaching us the lesson of selfless love. So to my loves that can feel me on this entry, I'll tell you this: Live to fulfill your dreams and keep pushing till your heart feels that you have made your mark in this world. Don't let anyone change you or tell you otherwise because it takes patience to stick by a determined person…and it takes real love to interpret a person's intimidation or confidence as pure ambition. 



(Warning: This songs contains explicit lyrics)

Valentine's=Appreciation of Love Day

So no one really calls Valentine's Day a holiday because there are some of us that refer to February 14 as a "Hallmark Holiday." It may be another scheme by corporate America to lure consumers to spend more money in order to stimulate our economy but I think that we all have lost what this day really means.

As my favorite blogger Jozen said, there are different types of people on V-day. He says that there are couples that are into the day, couples that are over it and couples that use the day to make-up for all of the BS that they have gone through before February 14.  However, you also have the people that are single but have someone in mind or are single and have no one at all.

I never liked Valentine's and it's not because I have had bad experiences but why do we need a special day to tell someone how much we appreciate and love them? Shouldn't that be done everyday? And yes getting surprise chocolates, teddy bears, and flowers are sweet gestures. However when a person expresses their gratitude and love with sincerity, there are no materialistic things in the store that can ever compare. A simple kiss on the forehead, a simple five second gaze into a person's eyes while saying "I love you" or "thank you for being you" is priceless.

So screw the labels of calling February 14 Valentine's or Single Awareness Day, I've always looked it as the Appreciation of Love Day. So to all of my friends that have a Valentine today, may that love grow more each day. For all of my friends that are single today, may you never forget to always love yourself first and may the love that you've been waiting so patiently for find you.

FROM ME TO YOU ON THIS VALENTINE'S DAY:
...To all of the hearts that I have broken, thank you for teaching me how to woman-up with what I really want in life. To all of the people that have broken my heart, thank you for teaching me how to mend one. To all of the people that I LOVE and are currently in my life, call it Valentines or Single Awareness Day; but I call it a day to APPRECIATE THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE THAT HAVE SHOWN US HOW TO LOVE...


"As the years they pass us by, we stay young through each other's eyes. And no matter how old we get, it's okay as long as I got you babe"...

"people say that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Truth is you knew what you had, you just never thought you'd lose it."

New Year, New Outlook

The announcer reminded the crowd, "15 minutes till midnight!" Sure there were familiar faces at the event but I was on the clock and had no time to socialize. There I was with the camera in hand, snapping photos of people surrounded by the ones that they care about. These party goers were enjoying themselves. Maybe it was the drink specials, the music, the venue, the thousands of people there, the fact that they were there to end an old year and ring in a new one...I'm not too sure what it was but there was good-feel vibe.

As the minutes ticked, I made my way up to the top balcony and sat down for a little. I reviewed the pictures that were on my camera and looked around. There I was by myself for the 3rd  year in a row.  I thought about how I spent the previous New Years, all of them working. Do I regret it? Not at all but New Years is my favorite holiday and all these years when the clock strikes, I've been spending them alone.

As the announcer shouted, "5 more minutes till 2011!," I took my place with a fellow photographer as we updated our twitter accounts.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Happy New Year!

Photo taken by me for nonstophonolulu.com at Aloha Tower. 

As everyone turned to the ones that they loved to say bye to 2010, I could hear murmurs of joy. As my shutter captured New Years kisses and hugs, at midnight for a short three seconds--I closed my eyes and I made a promise to myself. Often times in life, we turn to the ones that we love to celebrate or to confined the happiest and lowest moments of our lives. As I stood there alone while everyone had someone, I told myself this is a new year. No resolutions of eating less junk food, saving money or even weight lost this new year. This year will be a year of gain. A year to gain knowledge, experience, and life lessons. I thought about all of things that I have gone through during 2010 and boy was it a roller coaster. Through the pummels I still had a lot to be proud about. Just finished a Master degree, stronger relationships with the people that I love, new beginnings with people that were placed in my life for a reason and most of all memories that will forever be etched in my heart.

My promise: 
To make this year, MY YEAR.
To never give up when times get hard.
To push myself beyond my assumptions.
To make my dreams come true.
And the only way I will be able to do it is if I just be me.
No one will get you to where you want to be but yourself.

"On the road to riches don't forget to stop and take pictures. Cause life ain't about where you finish but what you've learned along the way."

I Don't Love You

"You see, I don’t want to l-o-v-e you but I do want to take those letters and flip them backwards so that they could be used to spell the beginning of the word evolve because I want us to grow into something indescribable by just one word."  

“Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.”

"When someone walks out of your life, let them. There is no use in wasting your time on people that leave you. What you make of yourself and your future is no longer tied to them. Yeah, you may miss them but remember...you weren't the one that gave up."

What For?

We study so hard reading them books.
And what for?
The grades.
We break our backs working countless hours.
And what for?
To pay the plastic.
To provide us shelter.
Clothes piled in this corner.
Shoes stacked up to the nines.
A library filled with words of stories that we wish we could have.
A happily ever after means what to you?
Living comfortably?
To raise a family?
Or is it walking in the latest trends or driving the hottest rides?
Maybe it is living in a house with a pool and a basketball court.
No piked fence you say, you'd rather have a stone wall with them big steel center gates.
Why do you need gates like that? For security?
Although, how could you feel secure with metal around you when the true intruder resides within yourself.
Or with your dreams.
So tell me why are you living your life the way that you are.
What in the heck for?
What purpose do you believe you fulfill?
You see everything has a purpose.
Everything that is currently at your grasp.
The people that walk in and our of your life.
The experiences that you have endured or glorified.
So when you ask yourself why you are doing the things that you are doing or are saying the things you speak of, ask yourself what for?
Is it to hurt your competitors or to improve your game?

It is all for a bigger purpose for a bigger picture.

So tell me, what do you think is yours?

Because Of You

because there are so many reason why I love you.
because of you I love the way you are and the person you want to become.
because of you I'm fearless of where this uncertain road will take me.
because of you I feel beautiful with no make-up and just your t-shirt on.
because of you I feel like anything is possible.
because of you I look at my imperfections as trademarks of my unique soul.
because of you I react off of compassion as a way to help better our surroundings, our world.
because of you I don't need security, when our hands clasp reassurance is evident.
because of you when we lay at night, your warmth is all I need in this cold world.
because of you I push myself to the ends of the earth because I know you won't let me quit on life.
because of you words can't define our love, I can simply see it in your eyes and feel it in my heart.
because of you material things don't compare to your selfless love, it is priceless.
because of you I'm the person that I'am today.
and when I make my mark in this world...it was all
because of you.


"you mean so much to me, I want the world to see it's because of you. because of you my life has changed."

"I was never your friend nor did I ever plan to become your friend. I guess right now that is not an option to the both of us but I would not want to erase all the greatest moments with you because of anger. You can delete all the pictures we have taken. You can throw away all the presents I have given you. You can delete all our emails and text messages BUT one thing is for sure, you cannot erase all the memories we have had. This is something that we will carry in our hearts forever." 

"No matter how much we wanna put a f*cker on blast, no matter how much a b*tch needs to be put in her place, no matter how we feel the need to get something off our chest...usually the best thing to say is nothing at all."

-Raaachem