Dear No One,

I know when you are around me, I can come off as independent, strong and hard-headed. I know that I live a fast pace life and sometimes I don't acknowledge you because I'm caught up in the grind but there are some things that I think that you should know. Some things that you should keep in mind and some things that you should never ever forget.

If there is one thing that can hit the spot, its talking about love. I can only explain so much about the situations I have been through with love. I can tell you about the times where I felt like I was in a fairytale, at the top of the world even...I can even tell you about the journeys where I've been to hell and back.

I may not know everything about how to conduct a perfect relationship but these are the very few things that that I know about love: that is loving without judgement, loving with all that I have and most of all loving no matter the circumstance.  That is all I have ever known and is the way I continue to keep loving. Just know that I'm trying my very best with what I have left.

I'm a little rough around the edges and I may come off as someone that's cold-hearted. I don't mean to push people away it's just that many times you have to be careful who you open up to because only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious. 

Out of everything that you can offer, all I ask is for you to give me everything that money can't buy. Pull me close me when I feel like I'm falling apart; kiss me on the forehead and sooth me when I'm sick; hold my hand and walk with me when I'm afraid...these are all things that have the most value and these are moments that I would not trade for the world.

Love is all about balance and there is a reason why love found us when we weren't looking. We may not always have a smooth path in front of us but just know that there is nothing that I wouldn't do for you.  If there is one thing that everyone needs, in the end...we all need love and I promise, I'll love you till the end.


So until then, all we can do is be patient because when the time comes, we both will know it was worth the wait.


..."I’m done lookin’, for my future someone because when the time is right you’ll be here. But for now dear no one, this is your love song"...

"As we work to create light for others...we naturally light our own way."

Liquid Confessions (Part 3)

(continued from Part 1, Part 2)

As much as your words from the incident we had before shook me up a little bit, I understood. You didn't need the alcohol to give you liquid confidence, you just wanted me to hear you out before it was too late. I knew that those were feelings you had brewing up inside. As several weeks passed by, we both reset our minds with emotions aside to clear things out. As much as I wanted to call you to make amends, I waited it out because after all I was fine with where things were.

You drown yourself constantly in your work and you seem to drown yourself in the facade that you have to celebrate your success through those parities, girls and alcohol. I know that you are having fun and I'm glad that you are doing well but it is just not necessary for you to go on showing it off as if you have something to prove. I wish I could say things were better since we last talked but I'm over my head with trying to stay straight professionally and personally.

Alone in bed doing work, you come in right on cue with a call at 2:30 in the morning. 

"What are you up to?"

"I just came home from a party."

"Oh...How are you?"

"Honestly, not that well."

The tone in your voice unmasked it all and I knew there was something more than you would allow to say during the phone call. You could also tell by my stale responses that something was up and just like old times, we confided in each other. We did not confined in each other like ex-couples would, but as people that were really looking out for the others best interest. 

"I just don't know why I work as hard as I do sometimes, the people that I work for don't even appreciate me."

"You've always worked hard and the reason why you keep doing what you are doing is because you love what you do."

"I know. What about you though? You seem..well you sound like you are doing well."

"As much as I'm thankful, there is just so much pressure to keep this image up."

"Don't get lost in all of that artificial bureaucracy, you are way better than that."

"I know. I hope that your boy is helping you out with all that you're dealing with."

"He still getting used to it I guess, he doesn't quite understand."

Towards the end of our conversation the relationship seemed cordial and for the first time in a long time, it felt as if weight has been lifted off our shoulders. Maybe it was because you finally accepted the fact that it was time that you move on or maybe it was because I also realized that maybe there was still hope that we could be friends. As we started to dwindle, the last thing that you said before we hung up helped me remember the old you. 

"I’m lucky that you picked up. Lucky that you stayed on. I need someone to put this weight on....I'm sorry." 

Just when you thought you were the only one, you were one of many. 


#dontbefoolish
#knowyourworth

Stay Hungry

"You better stand for something or you will fall for anything." Too many times people would rather sit on the sidelines and have other people make the plays; people that would rather sit in the passengers seat and grant others the control  over their destination when WE ALL should take fate by the neck and show it who is boss. 

I’ve seen it happen to some of the best and I’m not going to lie, I’ve been through it. Sometimes I’ve gone down without a fight and have bitten my tongue just to save myself from strain. However, we all know that life will never be easy and shouldn't be submissive to something that we strongly believe in especially when it comes to our happiness. Plateaus in life are usually lessons of needed change in disguise and we don’t want to be the ones that are disappointed because we had given up right before the breakthrough.

I know a lot of people that are not afraid to work hard for what they want but are standing around for an opportunity to come knocking on the front door. However if we want something so bad, we need to go and get it. If we want something done right, we have to do them ourselves.  We shouldn’t wait because people that wait will only be given what was left behind by others that didn’t settle. 

You are worth only as much as YOU say you are. You can rely on luck or you can get up off of your behind and align your own stars.  You may be taking a risk by standing up but you may never know the results of the "what ifs" if you don't do anything. You can either be the pessimist that complains about the wind, be the optimist that expects the wind to change or you can be the realist that adjusts the sails to waters of ideal conditions. 


The power of our imaginations and our desires is what makes us infinite. So do what your heart desires and what your soul yearns. Do what you think is right. When you taste the fruits of your own labor, you'll never taste anything sweeter. I'm at a point where I'm trying to search for my life's purpose and I know that this time around that my purpose is not to synthesize with the rest of the band or by audience requests but to solely live to the beat of my own drum.


 In life you have to stay hungry because closed mouths don’t get fed.

..."Let the sun shine on your face and don't let your life go to waste. Now is the time, got to make up your mind. Let it shine on you."...

To the men that love(d) me

I know that it was hard, when I told you that I needed to walk away. Knowing just how much you loved me and knowing what you would have done for me to stay, I still chose to leave. And now here I am thinking about what could have been.

We have so many memories. Memories that remind us of our hurdles, memories of elation and most of all memories of love. It's funny how I told you we couldn't be because I didn't want my selfish ways to hurt you. Although who was I fooling because in the end, I ended up hurting myself instead. Yes things happen for a bigger purpose and when it comes to relationships, our hindsight is 20/20 but here I am mad at myself. I've taken off my glasses and have wiped it down with my senses, seeing the picture a little too late.

You are a good man and I know that you deserve better than me. I know I've told you that I'm trying to concentrate on myself and my dreams. Although those are true, after the ordeal with you I've been trying to tell myself to live my life with no regrets; just to convince my soul that forgiveness has been granted for all of the self-inflicted pain. I used the past as an excuse so that you could wave your white flag out of the relationship realm but here I am wishing for you to be sitting right next to me, wishing we could go back to how it used to be.

I turned away from you, someone that truly loves me; so that I could try something new with someone else. However, he doesn't feel for me the same way and now Im walking in the shoes you were previously in.  Here I am even harder on myself because I'm repeating the same mistake; leaving people that love me to chase people that could care less. This new guy is amazing and I wish he could see just how much I love him but nothing I do seems to be get through to him. The emptiness that he is making me feel bewilders my mind because I can only imagine the pain that I had put you through.

For all of the pain that I have caused, I'm sorry. I hope that you can forgive me. They say that people should not take an eye for an eye and I thank you for not having any hard feelings against me. But for some reason karma is taking out my vision as we speak and for the moment, my heart remains blind to this all. Thank you for seeing the good in me and most of all, for everything that I put you through...thank you for still loving me unconditionally.


..."Regrets and mistakes, they are memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste? I wish nothing but the best for you."...

"FORGET what you knew was proper.

RAISE HAVOC and disturb the peace.

In life, no one dies a virgin. Life f*cks us all."

-Amarie Quemado

my neighbor/sister

Europe Reflection

I recently just went to Europe for two weeks. I must say that it was the most life changing experience of my life. I told myself that after I finished graduate school that I would visit one country a year, with this trip I was able to visit five . I ate good food, met new people and saw things that I have only seen in history books. I can't say it enough but my mind, body and soul needed this. This gave me an opportunity to just simply be me with no itinerary and by no rules but mine. As I traveled during this trip, I also was able to reflect. Reflect on my life; reflecting where my life had been, where it is now and where I want to go...with the people that I need to leave behind while continuing with selective ones through this journey called life. Below is a a piece that I wrote that basically shows what was going through my mind during the best two weeks of my life.

Your mind is racing, planning out tomorrow, the week, the month.
Buying valuable time that you can't even afford.
Too worried about what the future may hold from the decisions that you make today.
Yet too scared to re-live the mistakes of the past.
Letting people auction off your self-worth, bit by bit.
Playing the blame game by substituting luxury with joy that is only temporary.
Listen to me when I say that your soul can't stop searching because what you've been looking for is right in front of you.
So stop running baby.
Just. Stand. Still.
It's the simple things that you tend to forget
Don't seek cover when it rains, dance in it and let it wash away all of your sorrows.
Leave what has been designated as your priorities behind and drive.
Steer aimelessly with your inner conscious deciding your destination.
Focus on nothing but the beautiful that is you.
Greet the sun and let it caress every inch of you.
Close your eyes and just breathe.
If you must, let out all that you have manifested.
Let your tears run with the ocean.
Smirk at yourself as you gaze into the horizon.
Indulge in your blessings, listen to your heart and find enlightenment in the shades of gray.
Because your are capable of anything that you set out to do.
Don't settle baby, just don't.
Stop dreaming and stop wondering of how it's suppose to be.
Take the lead and create the unthinkable.
Because you deserve so much more, it's just up to you if you believe that you deserve it to.

Stay tuned to nonstophonolulu.com, as I bring you exclusive blogs and photos of the trip.

One In A Million: Aaliyah

January 16, 1979 – August 25, 2001

Growing up I looked up to Aaliyah. She was a triple threat: a dancer, a singer, and an actress. With sophistication and swag, I admired her ability to kick it with artists like Jay-Z and DMX but still hold her feminine yet sexy traits with grace. Like Jozen said in his blog, even after her passing; she still influences generations till this day.


Artists like her bonded both sexes. While calling out flaws of the opposite gender, she also embraced the traits that made a good man. I can honestly say that I've learned about life through her music.


Because we are all  #oneinamillion. And even though people will be around when you are #atyourbest, the ones that are really down for you will be there at your worst, hoping for you to #comebackinonepiece. And when we don't believe, our hearts are #nevergivingup.

♥ Rest In Paradise Aaliyah.

King A (Aaliyah Tribute) - Rochelle Jordan

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this...”

- Pablo Neruda

Liquid Confessions (Part 2)

(continued for Part 1)

That door is still open. However, the picture is clear. We are just friends. Although, you know very well that no one knows you just quite like I do and I know very well that no one will have my back like you do...until maybe now.

While you are adjusting to the freedom and the fame, I'm adjusting on getting my money and mind right with a man that understands fully of who I am and where I want to go. I know that it drives you crazy inside because there you are thinking about what we used to do and if I'm doing the same exact things with him. I just don't understand but at the same time do. I suggest you not compare my feelings of the past and the feelings that I feel right now because you will just hurt yourself.

I sit in front of the screen, trying to meet a deadline and my phone seems to be seizuring. I'm a little hesitant to pick up only because it is 3 a.m. I already know that it's you, bracing myself for the conversation that we are about to have:

"Hey."
"What are you doing up so late?"
"Finishing up some work...where are you? What is all of that noise in the background?"
"We just got done with one of the after partys."
"Ok, well be safe. Call me when you get home, I'm trying to finish this up."

I already know that you've had one to many because you are the type to never turn down glasses of what the guys always seem to symbolize as celebration. Slurring out of your mind and repeating way to many times, you continue to attempt.

"No, no, no. I'm fine, just talk to me."
"Well, I can't right now because I'm in the middle of something."
"You know that I still care for you."
"I know but we are just friends remember."
"You need to stop saying that sh*t. Seriously."
"Well whether you like it or not, that's all that I left for you."

As soon as I put you in your place, you use the alcohol discrepancy to your advantage and decided to answer back with a smart lip. Thinking the words over and over, you thought that if I could walk away that easily then there was nothing left for you to salvage and you might as well let me have it.


"F*** that guy that you love so bad, I know you still think about the times we had. So f*** that guy that you think you found, since you picked up I know he’s not around.”

"I'll take you any way that I can have you. Bring along your issues and your ethics and your taboos. It's not your standard. Freebird situation. You're talking to these pieces of this man that's trying to make it... through the struggles, battles; The body pillow pimp trying to snuggle with my shadow. We can keep the clothes on, no pressure, just hold me and pretend like you've known me forever."

- Slug. Felt Two

Your Motivation

It takes an understanding person to correlate where a person is presently and where they want to eventually be. Understanding what details it entails to get there; even it means sacrificing your relationship with that person will be the deciding factor of who really believed in you and what they were willing to do to see you get there. As a significant other, you witness a side that is exclusively shared behind closed doors.

I've always said that a man with a plan is sexy. Being confident in a proposition is commendable in some aspect but being able to defend criticism with a uncanning rebuttal will exhibit just how much work you have put in. Like one of my friends Jozen had once said, "I'm a big supporter of free speech but I also believe in being accountable for the speech you speak." Not only is it fascinating to watch just how passionate a man can be about where he believes he is destined to be but it is also astonishing to see just how much they will endure to arrive there both mentally, physically and emotionally.

I've always believed that as a woman that you should contribute to your man's foundation. To be there to support him in every way possible but to also keep him in check; to remind him of his humble beginnings and to be there to extract the superficial from his true self. I also believe that as a woman, that you should also assist him by preparing him for the unfavorable inevitable. It is not to demolish his courageous drive but to strengthen the anticipation of the unpredictable journey that lies ahead.

So baby...I'll be here to help pick up the pieces after your hard day so that you can get yourself together to face tomorrow. It doesn't matter how many rounds we have to tolerate, I'll be there till the last second of each one because I'll always be loyal, your #1 fan. I'll be there to resuscitate you when you feel like your life has been consumed by all that doubted. I'll be there to believe in you and all that you desire to be; and I'll do this not because it is required of me but because I have faith in the talents that you posses.  Just as much as you yearn to show the world what you are capable of, I want the world to see the reasons why I love you. So even if it means giving up our love so that you can attain your life long dream, I'm willing to do whatever it takes because in the end, I can only hope that you would love me enough to do the same.



..."you're almost there. You can do it, I believe in you baby. So close from here, baby I’ma be your motivation"...

Liquid Confessions (Part 1)

As I'm about to settle in these warm covers at the end of this cold night and after a long day, the phone rings. I look over and it's you. You just finished your first project as the top notch hot shot that you are. Posting up on my side with the phone held close, I hear every word you say. With my body exhausted out of its existence, I can't help but smile because your plans are finally coming together.

I'm actually surprised that you even called after what I told you couple of nights ago. It's been a while since we broke up and I'm happy that we even have the relationship that we have now. We are civil but deep down inside I know that you have your reservations. My heart has healed, I'm grateful for the memories but I've moved on. It did hurt before; because I knew that we both couldn't continue on the same path and now you're starting to feel pieces of your foundation drifting away. 

You go on and on about the professional hurdles that you have jumped for this opportunity to happen but  I'm slowly falling in and out. 

"I have to go to sleep now, I'm tired."

"Wait, I have so much to tell you because the..."

"Sorry hun but I have to wake up early because he and I are trying to have an early start tomorrow."

You come back down to reality and remember, that I've got someone else and I no longer look at you in that love light anymore. We depart the conversation with no invitation to return but you are reassured with my previous track record of making the right decisions, like the decision that I made of not getting back together with you.

"Okay, I'll let you get some sleep. I'll call you tomorrow."
"Actually, I'll be busy tomorrow. We have an all day thing but congratulations. Hope you have a good night."

While I post up peacefully in my own bed, the rest of your night is far from good because you knew very well that you were not the last person that I was thinking of as I fell asleep. I got you thinking...



"The woman that I would try, is happy with a good guy."

Continued to Part 2

A Girls Intuition

I just don't get it. When guys lie to us females. I've always said that a girls intuition is stronger than a man's because it is an instinct that is a part of our nature. The females that I run with are very observant, mindful and are debatable. So when guys try to lie, they are just wasting their time. A girls intuition is something that should not be reckoned with.

Sometimes it makes me wonder about guys that think that they can run game or blatantly tell a white or half lie. Guys like that may think that we nice women are gullible and are fools but don't you worry; in the end we will have the last laugh because we have seen it all to many times. Some guys boast that they can blind side women with their ways but what those guys don't know is that we see right through them and we see it as this: just a different competitor with a play that is about to get juked.

So guys be mindful of this. When you run something and us women don't give you crap about it, don't be so quick to celebrate with your boys--just so that you can tell them just how you big of a man you are for getting away with it. Because inside we are laughing at the fact that you think we are so naive not to think things through. And if we ask you something that hits a nerve of yours, don't get so irritated because smart women don't just conjure up stories just for fun or just so that they can add a little drama to make the relationship interesting; women ask because they don't want to assume. What guys need to realize is that women are like the police, we can have all the evidence in the world but we still want a confession.

It is not that we are monitoring you, it is just a different story when you try to the test the mutual trust of the relationship. When guys lie, it is a sign of disrespect because you would think that anyone in general would be adult enough to tell you the truth. So when us females ask you a question, don't give us an alibi. Tell us what really went down. Lies don't end a relationship, usually the truth does but if you got enough time to compose a lie then the obvious truth is, you can't deal with the actuality of your actions.

So let's keep it real. If you are not real with yourself then you don't deserve to be with someone that has been nothing but honest with you. So boys don't test a woman's intuition because it is as if you are trying to substantiate their intelligence. And just because you got away with things in the past, don't underestimate...because the love that she has for you, it will trump over yours. Just when you thought that she won't sense a thing, love always has a way of catching up to lies and when the time comes, your lies won't be able to look her straight in the eyes.

It's Okay

It’s okay to fall apart sometimes.
You don’t have to have all the answers.
All those pieces you’ve been holding for so long while you raced around your life looking for the last roll of scotch tape, go ahead, let 'em fall.
Every last piece.

It’s okay to scramble.
You don’t have to always be calm.
All those plans you’ve been stringing together like a bead necklace.
Every last one is beautiful, so beautiful, so go ahead.
Keep grabbing at everything you ever wanted, especially those things you feared you’d never have.

It’s okay to hope against hope.
This is not the time to be reasonable or rational.
Run, run as fast as you can against the tide.
When the last wave sweeps over you
and every hope seems to be dashed
You will still be here, right here, and you will not be sorry.

It’s okay to cry.
Even if you feel as if each tear is an accusation against your strength, your resolve, your natural equilibrium.
Cry in the car.
Cry in the shower.
Cry in bed when no one is listening or looking.
Berate yourself for not being able to get it together and then cry anyway.
How else will you know you lived, if not for these tears.

It’s okay to be lost.
Toss the map.
Leave the keys in the car.
Get out and walk.
Forget about everything you ever knew.
Crumple up those directions and move now from memory.
The memory of your heart.
The memory of your breath.
The memory of that one time you laughed so hard you cried.
The memory of that one kiss, the one that left you longing to be loved.
At the end of your unraveling,
you will look down and see your own feet that have carried you so, so far
and you will decide for once that it is okay
to sit down
to rest
to hold out your hands
to lift up your head
to open your heart...
to the possibility that you were never alone after all
not for one minute.

Go ahead, be disappointed.
Nothing turned out how you hoped.
Sit under a tree and tell me the whole of it and I won’t say a word.
I won’t say a single word.

It’s okay to feel lonely.
At the end of your wanderings
when there is no more scotch tape
and you can’t find your bead necklace of dreams anywhere,
your heart will trace an unpredictable path
to this place
and you will have just enough courage
to let love tell you the terrible beautiful truth
of how loved you were
and how even now, at the end of everything
it’s not too late.

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."

Winston Churchill

How To Love

Just when you thought that this one was going to be different, just when you thought this would be the person that would help you re-define the meaning of love...it all falls apart and you are back to square one. Because you thought that you learned from your past mistakes, you thought that this time you will take a risk and this time, you felt that you were dealt the right hand...only to realize that everything you thought was a dream come true was just a mere illusion.

No one will tell another how to love because to each person it means something different while at the same time, each relationship embodies a different kind of love. Even though we try to do things differently in every relationship, saying that we've learned our lessons...what we don't recognize is that we are constantly learning. We rely on those type of experiences with other people to enlighten us in more ways than one but when the movie scripted scene does not play out, we go back and blame ourselves, boiling down to the same redundant statement...that maybe we weren't enough, that we didn't do something right... that we just didn't know how to love.

There is no perfect way to love someone. With love you say it through your words, you show it through your actions and most of all you feel it in your heart. The most important type of love that we need to learn is how to love ourselves. If we can't love ourselves then there is no way that we can love anyone else. In time we learn how to love when we are with someone, when we leave someone we love, or when a person that we love leaves us.

No one is perfect but  someone will come along and will love you for all that you are and they will admire your efforts because true love has no barriers. Whether things are meant to be or not, in the end we learn how to love the people and things in our lives; we learn how to love ourselves; and most importantly we learn how to love life.

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life, that word is love. You can never go wrong when you learn how to love with that you are and there is no better love when you love with all of your heart.




..."Now you in the corner tryna put it together, how to love. See I just want you to know, that you deserve the best you’re beautiful."...

"Your job in one way of speaking, is to empower humankind in every possible way that you can. The victories that you have every day, as small as they might be and as vast as they might be, are why you are here."

Bartholomew

Not That Girl

As much as you got me smitten and as much as you got me high on cloud nine, I'm just not going to be that girl. Despite our relationship and our circumstances, I'm just not going to be that girl. Wondering if you are thinking about me or worrying if I'm doing things right,   I'm just not going to be that girl. When you don't text back or answer my calls, I'm not going to be that girl that starts thinking wild visions in my head of you being intimate with someone else.

So you did me wrong and broke my heart but I'm just not going to be that girl that will take all that you have just to empower myself. I'm not going to be that girl that will destroy your possessions just so that you can see how much rage I have inside. So do both of us a favor and save your breath baby because I refuse to be that girl that soaks up all that you say. I'm not going to put you on blast for everyone to see; just so that they know the severity of your mistake because I'm mature enough not to be that girl.

I'm not going to be that girl that let's you take advantage of me. Of course I love doing nice things for you but I'm not going to be that girl that will tend to your needs at your convenience or command. So when your nights seem cold and you are lonely, think again because I'm not that girl that will fill your void. And yes, I know  the girl you did me wrong with is pretty but I'm sorry; I'm not going be that girl full of insecurities.

There are great people all around me and life is too short. With that said, I'm not going to be that girl that goes to her friends with the same broken-record love story. I'm not going to be that girl that let's a guy take all of the good away from her. I'm not going to the that girl that will give you more chances. I'm just not that girl that says it but doesn't do anything about it. I will not be that girl that allows a man to take away her dignity.

Everything you think I am, I'm sorry if I don't live up to your expectations; quite frankly I'm just not going to be that girl...you know why? because I'm better than that.


..."I see it your eyes, can't say that I'm surprised, I'm not that girl."...

Daddy's Girl

When I think of all the memories that I have with my daddy, I can only help but smile. He taught me to fight back when the boys in grade school would give me trouble and he still tells me the same to this day. Because of him I know how to drive a stick shift and have this fascination with motor vehicles. My daddy is something else I tell you, he makes sure that I appreciate the simple things in life.

I remember when I was in high school, I visited my family in Virginia. It was my last night and we just finished taking the mustang out for a spin. Before we went to bed; he pulled me aside and as I looked up, he had tears in his eyes. He told me that he was sorry that he and my mom didn't work out, that he did all he could...that by leaving, it was the best for all of us. He told me how sorry he was that he wasn't the perfect father and that he loved me more than he loved himself. I'll never forget that moment. For someone as hard headed as my daddy to sit me down to apologize for the lost years of my childhood and to tell me how he was still trying to find himself;  to this day there are just not enough words to tell you how much that meant.

I know that there is no manual to tell someone how to take care of a child but I commend my daddy for trying and for staying in my life. Thank you daddy for all that you've done. For always trying to teach me right from wrong. For always making me laugh, for always reminding me that I can come to you about anything. For always encouraging me and most importantly, for always reminding me that no matter how old I get that I will always be the most important girl in your life. Happy Father's Day. I love you.

..."With daddy's attitude so i know the biggest job ahead of me is doing my best to try and teach you right when you're wrong...my gift for life is seeing the smile on your face"...

"Revealing the truth is like lighting a match. It can either bring light or set your world on fire."

I Can't Make You Love Me

You'll know it when you feel for someone. You can't help who you fall in love with, you can't help what your heart will persuade you do and you can never prepare yourself well enough for the reciprocation that you receive.

Love will make you do things that you never thought was possible and love will also make you feel things that you never knew existed. You'll try to tell yourself that maybe in time, if you tried harder that things will work out. So you mask the uncertainty that you feel with a half smile on your already chipped heart. You open the flood gates, expecting nothing in return. You try to chase away the bad dreams with that vague but heartfelt stare that they give. You try to calm your heart's edged intuition as you close your eyes because their warmth overpowers walking away on a cold night.

Hope. That is all you can do. Hoping that they will join you on a path less traveled. Hoping that they will hold your hand and accompany you on that roller coaster of a life. Hoping that they will realize what is in front of them. Sure you may not have a fancy occupation, you may not have your whole life figured out, and may not be sure where this whole experience is going but there is one thing that you are sure of, the feeling that you have for them. You can only hope that in time that they will realize that you've given them all that is left in you.

You can only support them to where they want to go in life, with or without you. As they walk away, you just have to let them take your love as a souvenir of what could have been. As much as you apologize for being a mess because you've unleashed your most deepest inner thoughts, you look best when you speak from the heart. Pain is inevitable BUT suffering is optional. It's not a bad thing to be wanted but why yearn for someone that doesn't reciprocate that same feeling? It is a sign for you to fall back and to give up the fight.

People should not be reckless with other people's hearts and you should not put up with people who are reckless with yours. So as much as you'd risk the fall just to know how it feels to fly, just know that someday...someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.



.."I will give up this fight. i can't make you love me if you don't..you can't make your heart feel something it won't"...

Her: never knew that. lol. its funny how you say things after the fact.
Him: I just didnt really know what I was doing. I still dont really know now.

Her: same here but that is the beauty of life.we dont really know what we are doing, just following our hearts and intuition..with both guiding us exactly where we need to be.

I love the conversations that I have with the wonderful people in my life.

World Offering

Sometimes when times get hard, we look at ourselves and ask the question "why?" Why are we put into this life, in this position and at this given time. We ponder and think to ourselves, "what am I doing wrong?" when we don't get what we want, when we want it. In reality there is nothing wrong with us. Many of us have dreams, aspirations and goals whether it is short or long-term. However, life does not come easy and without the tribulations, there can be no triumphs.

Many times we don't recognize our potential because we are too busy being self critics. Looking at our faults and nit picking at our weaknesses, we slowly start becoming pessimists instead of optimists. We tend to forget that no one is entirely perfect and that we are blessed in our own individual ways. Everyone has a chance to be something great and share that greatness with the people around them. They say that laughter is contagious, well I've said that sharing love is infectious. People often don't know that it is the little things that can make a person feel special, ease a situation, leaving someone with an impression that will embedd into their memories. We all may have different missions in this lifetime but I know one thing is for sure, we were all meant to share what we embody...our ideas, our talents and our hearts.

I know that each and every one of us try to strive for the best in life because we all deserve the best that life has to offer. It is all entirely up to us on how we want to achieve our dreams because after all, we are in control of our own lives. We are constantly trying to search for the best because often times, we want to out do ourselves and we tend to think that there is better and bigger after each accomplishment. However, what if we thought of things in a different perspective. Instead of striving to get the best out of life, why don't we strive to give life the best out of us. There is the saying that we reap what we sow, but what about us thinking of it in retrospect to where we we teach other people how to reap as well, so that we can reap dreams of building a better tomorrow.

As corny as that may sound, all of us has something to give. Because in the end, there’s a lot more you can offer the world than the world can offer you.

Two things define your success in life.

1)The way you manage when you have nothing.

2)The way you behave when you have everything.

To The Main Ladies Of My Life

On this day, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for all that you've done for me and our families. I know that you have endured a lot and I just want you to know that I love you. I love you for the sacrifices, all those late nights, tireless mornings and nonstop hustling..I know that all of that has worn your hands and feet...but I'm appreciative that it has never worn your mind, heart or soul.

On this day, I honor you. I can only hope that I make you ladies proud by being all that I can be and by instilling the values and morals that you have taught me to my children.

My mommy, Imelda.

My paternal mom, Mama Maxi.

My maternal mom, Mama Monica.

..."I said mommy Imma love you till you don't hurt no more and when I'm older, you aint gotta work no more. And Imma get you that mansion that we couldn't afford. See you're, unbreakable, unmistakable....I appreciate what you allowed for me. I just want you to be proud of me."...

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

-Martin Luther King Jr.

I know that many people have different opinions regarding the Osama Bin Laden death but the wise words of Martin Luther King ring true. We after all are ALL human. We all make mistakes and we are not in the position to judge anyone or the path that they have decided to walk in this life. We can only hope for peace for the world that we are presently living in. We only hope that people learn to forgive and for people like Osama Bin Laden...for their soul to find peace in the next life.

Love The Way You Lie

I love the way you lie.
like when you say that this will be the last time that you...
call me names that seep into my soul.
Push me up against the wall to keep me posted because this vicinty is suffocating.
Because baby, I love the way you lie.
So re-tell those memories of when we first met.
How you knew that I was something special, how I was different from the rest.
The memories of the first time you held my hand, the first time we kissed, the first time we danced...the first time you realized that you loved me.
Tell me those lies again baby because those memories seem so long ago.
I just love the way you lie.
Like when you told me how we were going to make our dreams come true, raise a family together, grow old together.
How you said that you will always be there to listen, how you said you will always take care of me, that you will always have my back.
Little did I know, you were the very one that would turn my words against me..only to hurt me, and only to stab me in the back.
So baby, hold me down with those empty promises because I love the way you lie.
Tell me about the places we'll go and the people we'll meet.
About the dreams that are now in the past, the plans that we got for the present and the plans that we want to accomplish in the future.
Threaten me about how if I left, no one will want me. How you are the best thing I ever had and how no one can put up with my antics.
Tell me the lies of blame baby because I'll take it all.
We'll turn this love into a cold hearted war.
Push and pull. Fire set a blaze.
Lie to me baby because you are good at it.
Tell me that this is all a phase that we will be stronger, that things will get better just as long as we are together.

So as you continue to make this all hurt, kiss heartbreak on these lips and feed me all these lies...
I will continue to search for happiness within this madness and eventually walk away to learn the well deserved truth.


..."Just gonna stand there and watch me burn but that's all right because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry but that's all right because I love the way you lie."...

"Don't think that love has be to permanent, and it will make your love life more beautiful because you will know that today you are together, and tomorrow perhaps you will have to part.
Love comes like a fresh, fragrant breeze into your home, fills it with freshness and fragrance, remains as long as existence allows it, and then moves out. You should not try to close all your doors, or the same fresh breeze will become absolutely stale. In life, everything is changing and change is beautiful; it gives you more and more experience, more and more awareness, more and more maturity."

-OSHO

Ewa Beach Man Arrested For Kidnapping 4-Year-Old Girl

 A man is in police custody after he allegedly kidnapped a four year girl from her family's backyard.

The incident happened around 5:30 pm Monday afternoon in Ewa Beach. The girl and her 5-year-old brother were playing in their backyard when a stranger that lived nearby came to the backyard's chain linked fence. Witness say that 37-year-old Ian K. Coen took the little girl and brought her to a nearby 7-eleven store on Fort Weaver road to buy her candy. The girl's 5-year-old brother told their father what happened. The father then called on family and friends to help find his daughter.

Family and friends set out to find the girl who had been gone for about 20 minutes. Family friend, Puna Timas heard what had happened and went looking to find his hanai-niece.

"One of our other friends caught them in the store...he grabbed the baby, took the baby home and then the dude ran away...it was a matter of finding him before he did that to somebody else's baby," said Timas.

Coen then went to Ewa Mart down the street when Timas and another family friend tried to confront Coen. "I stopped the car and we started to approach him to tell him to stop..wait until cops came and what not. He backed up into the car over there where he tripped and fell down and so I grabbed him and waited for the cops to come by."

Neighbor and mother of three, Melinda Seward says that something like this is rare around the Ewa Beach neighborhood and that this incident makes her more cautious as a parent.

"We all watch out each other but I don't know where this guy came from, out of no where," she said. "It's kind of weird now, cannot even trust our own neighborhood, you know what I mean...that's sad."

Coen was arrested for first degree kidnapping. He remains in police custody and has not yet been charged.

This is my work and you can see additional coverage of this story at Hawaii News Now.

Untitled

Often times in relationships, you go through stages. There are the stages of being strangers, getting to know each other, then eventually falling for each other, etc. People then move on to being boyfriend and girlfriend or if they are lucky, they get to the stage of having a "happily ever after." However, what about the other couples. The couples that are still in limbo. The couples that are awaiting to make it "official."

You know what I'm talking about, the couples that say that they are together but are not really together. The couples that sleep over each others houses or the couples that show up together at functions all the time but say that they aren't a "couple" because they are not "official." What does it all really mean of being official anyway? To some it may mean commitment, being faithful, sign of devotion or taking it to the next level. The list goes on and on but tell me this...What about the couples that don't care for the title? Yeah, I know there are some people that want the guys to man up and put a ring on it but what about the people that are enjoying the moment? People may say that the two of you are scared and are wasting your time but then again, since when has it been a waste of time being happy?

Like the the couples that don't have to disclose their personal business when people ask invasive questions. The couples that don't have to tell everyone on their facebook who they are kicking it with on their downtime.  The couples that don't need fancy jewelry to remind them of how much they are loved. The couples that don't necessarily need a title to prove to another person when in a crowd of a million, that they are the only one that they notice. The couples that just merely enjoy the company of that one special person.

Because to some, it doesn't matter where the future may lead the two of them. Whether together or apart, those are the type of people that are happy that they had met, are happy that they are spending time together, are happy that their lives have intertwined in this lifetime, and are happy that they will have memories that can never be taken away. Because people like me don't need a title to express just how much my heart feels for you.

Lovin' For The Last Time

Because homie Jozen wrote a blog on how it would be like to be with someone for the last time, it made me think. Yeah, I agree. I would be sad, just knowing that it would be the last time being intimate with that person. It has to sting a little. However as bitter sweet as it can be, you have to make that last time memorable. Because if it's going to be the last time, you better make it so memorable that there is no way that you could deny that very moment, even if you two don't ever talk again.

The emotion, the attachment, the memories, the physical touch, the tension--it all has to add up. You want to leave on a good note and so you might as well give it all you got until you drop. Release and ease the tension a little. Then I heard this song by Britney Spears (yeah, yeah, I'm a fan) and the lyrics are EXACTLY how I would want it if it were my last time. Who knows, the last time could be so good that it might be the solution you need to reconcile your differences. ;)

..."So come on won’t you give me something to remember? Baby shut your mouth and turn me inside out. Even though we couldn’t last forever, baby. You know what I want right now."

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

-- Martin Luther King Jr.

Friends Till The End

"I'm a movement by myself but a force when we're together."

                                                                                                                        - Laurie V., homegirl

There are so many people in this world and it is on us on who we let into our world. Some I have known for just a few minutes and some I've known for years, but all great people in their own right. It truly amazes me on the things that they offer me, whether it is knowledge or memories--I would not have them in any other way. All of the friends at this present moment are blue prints of what true friends are all about.

This past month has been crazy for me both professionally and personally. It is just so reassuring to know that I have a bunch of people in my corner to support and encourage me in everything that my heart desires; even if it meant having my back on things that they did not personally feel comfortable with. It hurt to break down for a hot minute and surrender myself to the madness but both my best guy friends and girl friends put me in check. Because a true friend will spit the bitter sweet truth, they would never lie to your face but put salt to heal your wounds and to restore your faith.

And just because, these people went far and beyond. It made me realize why we are still friends to this day and it is because of rocky moments like these that help define our relationships. They'll hold my hand or let me lean on their shoulder because they are loyal. They'll rescue me from the storm or catch a grenade for me and not expect anything in return. They'll even hear the same damn problems and tell you the same advice, willing to do it over and over again--because they know that you've done the same. These people got Miguel's "sure thing" love for me and I got them.

To my loves that have called, chatted, texted, and/or spent a little QT with me...I love you. Thank you for turning the sad tears into happy ones. Thank you for lifting my spirits from the drenches. Thank you for replacing my bulb and turning my swag back on. Thank you for reminding me of why you all love me and why you'll always be in my life. I love the fact that I have a force that can't be reckoned with.



"If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea, I'll sail the world to find you. If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see, I'll be the light to guide you."

"It is ALL LIES until YOU SEE it with your own eyes."

Don't Be So Naive.
Don't Assume.
Don't Gossip or Spread Them.
Get Your Facts.
Pay No Mind But Your Own.


Because YOU are suppose to be GROWN. 

♥Yours Truly



This Is My Confession...

I don't have a lot of sand in my hour glass babe. I over stuff every pocket I have, I'm always running on E and my stomach is never satisfied but hungry for more. So let's not sugar coat anything, let's cut the chase and let's do things the way we have always done it - STRAIGHT raw. This is becoming ridiculously redundant and honestly, we have better things to be working on with people that truly matter to us.

So let me air it and lay it out for you. This may be much for you but I have to be true to myself and admit this out loud. I like you and I care for you. I know that you know, yet we casually bring it up and go on like nothing was ever mentioned. We say that we want to live in the moment, create more moments yet never lose these moments. Although, these emotions that I have contradict what what we say yet encourage my gestures. All I really want to do is kick it with you, to compliment you, to be enough for you.

I don't expect anything but honesty yet it seems that I can't trust myself with you. My intuition has never failed me and yet here I am telling it to kick rocks when deep down inside I know that it's just trying to warn me for what's ahead. I know you feel like I'll never catch on but I have to give you a round of applause because your performance is a show that I've seen before. Like when you whisper little somethings in my ear to get me going. I'll admit that they are pretty slick but just know that those lines are empty nothings that I find amusing because you can't fool a girl that has already mastered those plays. There are things that can play with my mind but I'll never let anyone compromise my dignity for their own self-assurance. Baby, you are feeding me a dish of bull because to you I'm just miss "right now." But I'll reiterate this right now; I'm the miss that is right-headed enough to say these things vociferously without personal anguish.

I've never asked you to dish a dime but to just spend time. I relentlessly work hard to be the best that I can be and I want you to see that. I want you to acknowledge the fact that I'm not one of those girls that will be stuck on stupid and pause their lives because of love. I want you to absorb that I'm a woman that is doing what she loves, that is high on life, discovering the world, and meeting new people..yet anxiously awaiting to come home to you - a reputable man that loves her.

So yes, commitment may have been a relevant issue but the only thing that I want babe is for you to commit to the nurturing aspect of this relationship. We may not ever end up together but I want us to become a cultivation of knowledge and experience so that we not only help or learn from each other; but feed off the force of inspiration that only comes alive because we are a part of each others lives.

With these words my love, please excuse the magnitude-- I just wanted to get this off my chest. It's better to reveal a taste of what is going on inside then regret words that I never had the encourage to utter. So if this is too much for you I totally understand because with or without you...baby, the show must go on. So for the sake of you and I, don't waste my time, respect my mind, and understand my grind.

I can only hope that you are truly the man that I've always pictured you to be.

Letter 8: Someone You Lost Touch With

Dear Doc,

I know that we don't talk as much as we used to and I know that it may have been my fault that this fall out happened. However, I wanted to let you know that I'm so proud of all of your accomplishments and that you are a great person with a good heart.

Since we were kids, I looked up to you a bit. I know that it may be a shocker but you have always been a person full of honesty from all different angles. I watched you win the hearts of people that have come from different walks of life.

I know that there were times where you have seen me fall and there were times that I didn't allow you in but just know it was not because I didn't think that you were worthy of knowing but because I knew that you saw more in me. You always knew just how strong I could be and had always accepted my faults. There were so many times where I've pushed you away and maybe it was because I knew just how much you loved me; and how severe my selfish ways would hurt you.

We would have talks and dish out our opinions. We never really agreed on anything and we often ended up frustrated but we had our moments. Whether it was music, quotes of inspiration and silly lines, we made each other smile either way and the memories that we have shared will never be forgotten.

Although we haven't talked in a while, I still care. I want you to know that you can always call on me if you ever need to. I know that you didn't have the heart to tell me but I'm glad that she is in your life, loving you in the way that I just could not, you deserve nothing but the best. So on this special day of yours and just so that you don't ever forget...I love you and care for you. I hope that you continue to have many more years to come with good health, success, and most of all happiness. 



Never later but always soon,
Your fellow photographer

"Don’t be so close minded because your mind is only suffocating from your very own ignorance."



♥ Yours Truly

Nothing Less Than Ambitious

"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore. "

- Lady Gaga

Cosmopolitan March 2010 Issue



My friends sometimes think that I spread myself too thin and all of my exs can tell you that I've got that competitive hustle, sometimes too much for my own good and sanity. While my career-oriented mindset has not affected my friendships, it has often times affected my personal relationships.

The industry that I have decided to follow can sometimes be called a "thank-less" job. Although that may be the case at times, I've always followed the wise words of Confucius: "find a career that you love so that you won't have to work a day in your life." Even though the harsh realities of my industry can be exhausting, the love and hate relationship with it falls mostly in love. There were times back in the day and even sometimes now, where people ask for work "favors." Knowing that I'm not going to get anything in return, if my schedule and ability is able...then I take it on. My significant others never understood why but I never asked them to comprehend it all. Coming from an immigrant family, hard work is in our blood. Even though I have put my work assignments before family gatherings at times, my family has always understood the importance of my work, most of all they have always understood my passion for it.

The exs knew I indulged myself in my work but didn't know just how deep. In every relationship that I have been in, I have always gotten into arguments over my work schedule. Working well over 50 hours a week, it was frustrating to come home to words of: "you are hardly home," "when are we going to spend time?," or the famous line because I'm so tired that I don't want to cuddle.."you don't love me anymore." As much as I wanted my former men to want my affection, making me feel guilty about it just became irritating at times, sometimes like white noise.

It was often hard when I felt like I had to choose between love for a guy and my career. Even though these guys knew where I wanted to be, they never quite understood just how determined I was until it was too late into the relationship. Every break up ended up with them saying that I loved my job more than them and that I was being selfish. As heartbreaking as it was then, I know that if I were in their shoes, I would have said this: "I wish you nothing but success in all that your pursue. I love you enough to let you go so that you can pursue the dreams that you had before us. I can only hope that our paths will cross again someday but I know that I'd rather have you leave to find out what can be instead of having you stay and wonder what if."

Because I'll never hold someone back. I'd rather have them chase their dreams then chase our love. Like my homie Wale would say "I love the person that you are, but I'm in love with the person that you have potential to be." So even though love can be my kryptonite, I'd rather have someone push me to be the superwoman that I have yet to become...even if it meant leaving the both of us with broken hearts and even if it meant our heartache being the cost of teaching us the lesson of selfless love. So to my loves that can feel me on this entry, I'll tell you this: Live to fulfill your dreams and keep pushing till your heart feels that you have made your mark in this world. Don't let anyone change you or tell you otherwise because it takes patience to stick by a determined person…and it takes real love to interpret a person's intimidation or confidence as pure ambition. 



(Warning: This songs contains explicit lyrics)

Be True To You

You sit on the floor in the midst of it all, questioning yourself because...
He cheated on your heart.
She left you and won't come back.
He took advantage of you or she doesn't seem to notice you.
I know that smile you put on is to disguise the pain.
But babe, don't let that gloomy feeling consume you.
Don't let that feeling force you to re-evaluate your characteristics because there is nothing wrong with who you are.
Because you should NEVER have to think twice.
Just because one person can't recognize or appreciate you for the wonderful person that you are then baby, it just wasn't meant to be.
Everyone has flaws and imperfections but don't let their criticism taunt you.
Remember my love, it is not about perfection but all about progression.
In this world, genuine people like you are rare.
People will try to influence you and break you down but you don't need to fit into any mold because my love when it comes to you, any industry standard can't compare.
While others see nothing, a special individual will take the time to understand and see just how amazing you are...just like I have.
So love, don't live life by pretending to be something that you aren't because in the end, you will just be fooling yourself.
Even though they abandoned you on that stage to ridicule you, step back and bow out gracefully.
As the curtains close, take a deep breath and pick up the pieces of your heart during this intermission..
And tell yourself this:
Don't let heartbreak or a mistake phase you and don't ever think that you are never good enough.
You are a shining light baby, some people just can't handle the glare.
It's not about the amount of falls that we endure, it's all about the amount of times that we get back up to continue this journey called life.
To admit that you are hurting is not a sign of weakness but a sign that you are human...
A sign that you have a heart...a sign that you've let your guard down and have allowed yourself to feel.
So baby go ahead and let out your one last cry.
Cause while others continue to sit amongst the clouds with their bluffs...with the sincerity that you exemplify, baby you'll be beaming above them all.

..."Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart. Tears don't mean you're losing...Just be true to who you are"...

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before. She may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. But if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, admit to being human and making mistakes; hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you ever second of the day but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break, her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give."

-Bob Marley

Erase Me

You think back and wish you never met him.
You think back and wish you never laid your eyes on her.
You throw away all of the letters, the cards, the love notes.
You donate the stuffed animals and clothes that they bought to the Salvation Army.
You drag those pictures and videos on your computer to the trash bin.
You click the delete button on those emails and those status updates.
You discard that music playlist, the mixtapes they made or gave and even discard songs that remind you of them.
You close that secret webpage account and even take off that tab on your internet browser that links you to their blog.
You unfollow them on twitter and de-friend them on Facebook.
You try to forget their face.
You try to forget their smell.
You try to forget how warm it felt to have their hand in yours.
You try to forget the happy times you folks experienced, the hardships that you both have overcame, and the rewards of just being together brought.
All in all, you try to do what you have to do to forget them.
But no matter what you promise your head, your heart or your soul...
You can not deny their significance to your life.
So you can go ahead and try to live your life like that person never existed but you most definitely can not forget how at one point...
they made you feel loved.

In the end...

We all want a love like this.

Honolulu, Hawaii
Courtesy of my girl: Corynne Ashley

Her in Him, Him In Her

Because as much we try to hide it, we are not fools.
I can see that when I do things, you are used to them being done a certain way.
Because I know your heart and a small part of you still loves her.
I'm not mad nor sad about it, granted that I understand.
She was everything you knew for a while, everything that you loved and she played a big part in your life.
As much as you say that you and her are nothing more than friends, there is nothing that I could ever do to have you feel the same for me.
I know that when I sit on the opposite side of the couch, the tension is bigger than the space between us.
I know that prickily feeling pierces your heart a little when I pull away from your love because of what he has done to me.
And when you tell me that I'm simply beautiful, I know that you are frustrated because that word does not exist in my vocabulary.
I know that my thought process is not in sync with yours and that you attempt to comprehend what I'm trying to bring forth through my contradictory actions.
And as much as you don't want to hurt me and just want the best for us, sprinkle the salt on these wounds just a little because sooner or later the sting with numb the pain.
Although, we both know that we are addicted to this.
We both know that we can't commit to this.
All we can do is embrace this...moment.
As much as you see him in me and as much as I see her in you...they both influenced us into the people that we are today.
So even though I know she takes up most of your heart space, I thank her for making you into the man that I fell so hard for.

..."Sometimes it's the things you can't measure that gives people the most success"...

- Aaron Rodgers

Green Bay Packers Quaterback 

After recieving the MVP award for the 2011 Super Bowl

In To Fall Out (Part 4)

(continued from Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)

It finally hit me. I can't do this anymore. I have to do what I have to do. I mean, he was fun--we had fun. I wanted all of this confusion to stop.

When I told him we had to end our fling, he didn't resist. As much as I wanted him to soothe the emptiness that I was feeling in my chest, I kept telling myself that it was for the best. Although, how could it be for the best when I feel like I'm leaving something behind? And how could I even say that it feels like a break up when we haven't even officially started?

He texted one night that he wanted to talk and with no hesitation I went over. As soon and I saw his face there it was, that feeling that I just couldn't describe. Suprisngly, it wasn't awkward. I mean, it felt as if we were legitamitley cool with what had happened couple of days before. But then he just had to pick at my brain and explore my most inner thoughts. The thoughts that I was secretly keeping to myself because I for one was still trying to find answers.

As we both looked at the celing he said, "I'm not afraid to be alone."
Puzzled, I said, "neither am I."
As I turned my head over, I told him, "I'm not afraid to be in love, I'm just cautious with things that I can't completley control."
In all retrospect things like my family, my career and my destiny, those things can only be fulfilled if I make them happen. Even though there are some shades of gray, matters of the heart are more complex because emotions are involved.When he kissed me that night, I realized then that his eyes were closed.

Then it hit me again.
As much as I felt content being alone, I just could not deny this feeling.
When I looked into the gateways of his soul that night, I remember that at that very moment, he was completley perfect.
It was not being alone that I feared.
I was afraid of going back to that place that I swore that I would never revisit.
I was afraid of allowing love from a person as authentic as he into my life and into my already fragile heart.
I was afraid of not being in control.
In the beginning I was vigilant because I swore I wasn't going to fall. With no back up plan at hand, the issue now was trying to fall back out.
They say that plans are tentative but I never thought that someone like him would ever consider a person like me. However, I for one knew that I wouldn't let this fling manifest emotions that could tentatively hold us back from the life-long plans that we have been working so hard to reach.

..."Cause whenever you're near, it's love that I fear. I've been saved in this shell and I can't tell if I'm living at all. I've been doing well on my own but maybe it's just me who I'm decieving. Cause everything about me leads right to you.'...