Worth The Fall

So I was cleaning my computer and came across a letter that I wrote the love of my life years ago. Omg, this one was a tear dropper because this brought me back to a place where I disconnected myself from the world, cried myself to sleep every night, lost 20 pounds and realized that my personal happiness meant that I needed to be selfish, to the point where I needed to break someone's heart and close the doors to something that may have been good for me. This brought me back to the sleepless nights, the former front act that I played when deep inside I was hurting and the confusing conversations that I often had with my parents on why I felt so unsure.

So here it goes:

___________.....

I usually don’t last past a year but you had me pass two. more than two years.

We have had our good times and our bad. Our happy and our sad.

It’s not that I don’t love you. I really do love you.

You have this hold on my heart that no one has ever had.

We’ve both made our mistakes but it seems like forgiving is condescending.

My plate is full and it’s tipped over.

I know that you’ve been on the back burner and I‘m sorry.

There is no other guy, I promise. It’s just that my priorities are not focused on us right now.

I know I’m being selfish and I’m sorry that my selfishness has been hurting you.

I don’t mean to hurt you but it’s just that my life has been changing and I just thought that you would always be there, I thought that you’d understand.

From the beginning, I thought that you knew who I was and what I wanted to become but maybe that was an obscurity that was never fully explained.

Although maybe I have just been taking you for granted.

But we have been fighting constantly, over petty things and over things I thought we resolved. Old habits are killing my butterflies one by one.

Your broken promises, my vulnerability high, our patience non-existent.

Lately we’ve been bringing the worst out of each other.

And baby, it’s not me giving up…it’s that I have run out of ways to fix us.
I feel that our relationship has been at a standstill and you have been the only one trying to push forward but I’m not ready or prepared.
The love I have for you has never changed. I love you, I really do.
I know that I told you that we both could wait but that would be selfish of me and maybe in your eyes unrealistic.
After everything that we have been through, I have no hard feelings or grudges against you.
You should be loved the way you deserve and I’m sorry that I can’t provide that for you right now.
If you find someone that can, I’m happy for you. You deserve the best that life has to offer.
If you do find someone else…you’ll be my regret.
There are four types of guys a girl meets in life: You will be the guy that I regret because you are the right guy at the wrong time.
In the end, you are a good man.

You will make a good husband and father, I know this because I have seen it first hand. I’m sorry if you feel that I’m not the same girl that you gazed at in front of the Paris Hotel and I don’t know if you are the same guy that sang I wanna grow old with you.

But know this, I’ve never compromised the love that I have for you.

I’m always here if you still want me in your life. My door is always open.

Like you said: Just because I love you and in the end all I want is your happiness, whether or not its with me.

“You hit me hard but you were worth the fall.”

This phase helped me become a stronger person but at the same time it made me feel as if I was ruining someone else's life by tearing down their efforts and hope. However, what people often don't realize is that you need to love yourself completely before you get involved with someone else. I guess since he and I had been together for so long, he ignored my personal changes and he often thought that it was a phase but it went so far deep that he thought he had lost the girl that he loved. However I was still the same girl, it was just that I had to adapt to my environment, had a busier schedule and was trying to balance the love of my career with the love I had for him. It's hard to let go of someone that has been a part of your life for so long..nevertheless, embodies a part of you.

We can be pointing fingers here and there..we can push the blame on me or him but when I first wrote this, I remember reading this over and over. Not because I was checking for grammar corrections or anything but simply because everything that I had written in this very letter was the pure and honest truth. At 5:03am in San Diego I wrote this and quietly cried because this was the first time I fully immersed myself into the situation, placed myself in his shoes and allowed my heart to speak up.

It was just hard to see someone that I loved fall apart and so hurt. It hurt me more since there was nothing that I could do to help him and it was I that was inflicting the pain.

"My heart is your heart. my love is your love and I'm not ok, unless you're ok"

>

So Thankful

I just can't seem to grasp it but it is November already. This year is going by so fast. So much to do in such little time. School and work has occupied mose of my time. I have been so MIA from everything but this world had embraced my crazy life. As we get to eat that lovely turkey, stuffing and pumpkin crunch...there is so much to be thankful for. Despite my never ending list of things to improve or want, I'm grateful for everything this holiday season.



I'm thankful for my family. They are my foundation and the core of my existence.
Thankful for my parents because I know that I'm not a great obedient daughter but thank you for raising me to be as strong.
Thankful for my friends. Like a second family that seems to add a new member constantly, thank you for your love and the memories. For the ones that I have known since the first grade to the ones that I have met on my many random trips, thank you for inviting me into your life. For the lessons learned to the lessons soon to be learned, we have helped each other get through it because that is what friends do. My goodness the list goes on and on.
I'm thankful for my health.
I'm thankful for a job that I love because times are changing, people are facing economic hardships during these uncertain times and I'm grateful that I have something to help pay the bills.
I'm thankful for my education because some people around the world don't even have the freedom to learn about the world around them. I'm grateful for having the opportunity to have met and learn from people from all walks of life, teaching me priceless knowledge.
I'm thankful for the hardships & heartache because the the sweet aint as sweet without the bitter, practice makes perfect, and better things fall apart in order for better things to come together.
I'm thankful for this life and for everything in it. I know that there are people around the world that have greater and worse circumstances but in the end, I'm grateful.


Eat it up, drink it down. :)

No Ring = Free Game

So I had a discussion with one of my co-workers. She said that her mom had told her that if a guy was not wearing a ring on the ring finger, he's still available. There is some truth to it because although there is a commitment when a person is in the boyfriend/girlfriend phase, things can change. Marriage is something that is written down in state records and is an oath that you take before the man upstairs. So if you got no ring on the ring finger, you are still considered "free game."

I mean I'm not promoting to fish for guys with girlfriends or to play out the Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz ordeal but things can happen unexpectedly. I understand that feelings form unexpectedly and it cant be controlled sometimes. I know there are situations where a guy tells a girl that the current relationship that he is in is not working out, edging the girl on, giving off the possibility of having something or vice versa. I have had friends that have gone through this, falling in love with a man that is not available and some of friends experiencing it on the other end, being cheated on. However there is also that saying...sometimes people want to push to see if they can try to obtain something that they know they can't have, just for kicks.

Either way, I think that things should be handled in truth. This means that even though the ultimate goal is to obtain happiness, people should not be deceived and everything should be laid out in front. I just don't understand how people can lie to someone that has given a piece of their heart.

I have a girlfriend that fell in love with a man that was married and had a kid. She would go to great depths to visit this guy who I knew was not good for her. However sometimes you can tell someone your opinion and it is their choice whether they want to take your words into consideration. He did not treat her like the way she deserved but she still went back. Although shouldn't that already be a sign? When you base the relationship off a lie, what good could come out of that? He is lying to his wife and kid to be with you, what makes you think that his apparent "truths" aren't lies? From that last that I heard, they werent seeing each other but god knows that she will always have a relationship with that guy. This girl is beautiful and smart but yet she believes all the lies that he spills. He tells her that he is gonna leave his wife and that they will both live the life that they always talk about but after how many years, that hasn't happened yet.

I also have another friend that cheated on his wife and son to be with another woman. What started off as a friendship developed into a something more. The way he and his mistress interacted were incredible. They seemed to be more perfect than he and his wife. Even though I knew about this, I did not say a word because it was not my place to say and this guy was one of my boys. He told me how this girl was everything that he wanted but could not break it to his wife that he wanted out. Why you say? Simply because he knew that he was ashamed of what he had done and was afraid that everyone close to him would find out. He was also financially and mentally comfortable with where he was at. Although men should never underestimate a woman because my boys wife eventually found out and the mistress--she up and left as if they never happened. Till this day he says he is still not happy.

I understand that infidelity happens but I just wish that people would realize and change it up into circumstances that are legit. Just so that it doesn't hurt the people that truly love them.


..How long will you wait so you dont have to lie...

Beyond Your Limits

It was my brother's birthday and we havent seen each other in a hot minute. He was the one that held my hand as I bought my first guitar. Let alone taught me how to play my first song, “more than words.” Taking pictures of Humpback whales with him back in the day was not easy at all for me but he is the reason why I love photography so much. He saw me at my worst, picked me up when I fell, and most importantly told me the truth even if it made me cry more.

If I were to describe him in one word, “generous.” He lives a busy life. Putting on different hats as a photographer for one of our local newspapers, musician (plays in 3 bands), and boyfriend to his girl. Although even with his busy schedule, he still makes time to reach out. Every time I needed to vent or in his words whine, he was there. Since he is getting older and have been experimenting with his cooking skills, I always seem to see his pictures with wine in hand. It reminded me of his annoying saying after every talking session, “do you want cheese with your whine?” So what did I get him for his birthday you ask? One bottle of red and white wine. Haha.

From career to personal life issues, it was always great to hear his perspective on things because mind you, he is a wise ol’ man that has seen and experienced a lot of things. Lol. However whatever decision I have made, whether good or bad, he has stood by me to see me make it out through the storm. I can honestly say he has been the only one that has pushed me over the borderlines of what I thought was capable. I thought to myself for a second that it could be because he has known me for so long and has seen what I could do. He has seen me grow up and has seen me when my will had been defeated yet has seen me glorified during my triumphs.

It was not until I met someone who is also in the media industry as well. He works with a different medium and different market from me. When I first met him it was a shaky start but once I found out he was in the industry, we hit it off real quick. During these uncertain economic times, it is hard for media folks to hold on to their jobs. Its been rough for a lot of people. People having to deal with layoffs, pay cuts, or even losing the entire organization as whole because of financial instability. However people in the media industry are not intimidated and are making ends to survive.

The new person and I have conversed about future plans. We look at the positives of not being totally immersed as we used to because in the media industry it is a love and hate relationship. Always learning something new, everyday being inconsistent from the previous, being in the know, and working with great people that are dedicated to their craft—now that is what we love about the industry. Having to cancel appointments or decline RSVPs, the sleepless nights, always on the go, and not being able to spend quality time with the loved ones—that is the dislike. Now that we are out of the loop a little, we are able to catch up on all that we have missed these past years and realize that what we had been missing was taken for granted.

We are both on the same path to make it in this world despite the given circumstances of our industry. This person barely knows me yet is totally in sync with my mind set. From work representations to exemplifying good character, I know in my mind that this person is going to make it. That is why i say that things happen for a reason. Who would have known. He has made me see things in a new light and we both know that in the end...even though some things aren't guaranteed, we will be fulfilled just by knowing that we gave it a shot. Together we have encountered so many opportunities and have exchanged hesitation with encouragement.

It got me thinking, everyone has that one person that pushes them to do just a little bit more and a little bit better more than one time around. Whether a stranger or a life-time friend, who knew that having patience and taking the time to listen could go a long way. If you got someone that has done this for you, let them know that you appreciate them for believing in you when no else did.

“Nobody knows your limits better than you do, but every once in awhile somebody will question all you know and they will push you for the better.”

*My brother's photography blog

*One of my all time favorite mixes by DJ Elofader (click regular download)

Top 10 Late Night

So, I did a top 10 late night eatery feature for the Honolulu Advertiser. I'm really proud of it because I had to put a lot of work into it, staying up during the wee hours of the night to eat all of that food within weeks. haha. It was so much fun revisiting each place. There are endless stories for each place after a late night of drinking. :) If you are ever down in Hawaii, these are the spots.

Check it out HERE and enjoy!

Encounter With A Doubter

This morning was great. I had a good night sleep, woke up early and as I was driving to work, there was no traffic (since Hawaii’s public school system, city & county workers are on furlough). So as you can imagine, I’m in a good mood. Blasting the music, cool breeze going through my hair, Chanel glasses on and hella cheesin. Although as I look down to my speedometer, I see that my tire pressure light is on. I don’t panic because I know that there is a Chevron gas station near my working place and that the car would be ok in the meantime.

I drive into the gas station, turn off my engine, look for my tire pressure reader and I get out of my car. I check the left side tires first since I know that most of the time, those are the tires that causes the light to go off. I’m dressed in a long pink dress and I lift my dress up so that it won’t touch the ground as I bend down (and no you crazies, I only hiked it by my knee). As I finish the first tire, a guy walks by and says if everything is okay with my car. I tell the guy that my tires just need a little air. He stands off in the distance even though I can see him in the corner of my eye watching my every move. I carry along and go towards my right tires. I pull the slack more and I repeat my steps. The guy then slowly walks up and says, “are you sure you know what you are doing?” I turn to him with meanest look and said, “yes, it’s not hard putting air in car tires” and he has the nerve to say, “are you sure?” and continues to stand there! After I finished putting air in my tires, I turn on my key and sure enough the air pressure light is no longer on.

I think it’s so sexist, inconsiderate and rude to watch someone for a good 20 minutes to see if they can put air into their tires. It’s like yeah, I’m wearing a dress, I got some make-up on, my hair is done and I got some heals on but that don’t mean a damn thing. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m not on my rags and I’m usually really nice to strangers but when you give me a bad vibe and when your tone of voice is demeaning..OMG …I’ll hold my composure for a real long time but keep rubbing me the wrong way, then count on me to react. The guy had the nerve to ask like three times and had the nerve to just watch that long!

I know that the way I was dressed today there was no way in hell did I want to have any oil or dirt on my dress or on my face (because I had to go to work right after) but still don’t talk to me like I don’t know crap! And trust, I'm no afriad to get her hands dirty. Yeah I know that many girls may not know how to change their oil, put water in their engine, let alone put air in their tires but please don’t treat me like a stereotype because ask me how to do things dealing with cars and I’ll sure enough tell you what I know (Daddy did raise me around cars and motorcycles).

So please fellas and my ladies, dont underestimate what a person knows or their abilities due to their appearance. Like the old saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” See, if that guy were to offer to do it for me so that I wouldn’t have to hold my dress and do my tires, then that would have been another story.

On a lighter note, the weekend is here, party it up my lovers and for my lovers that are students, we almost done with this semester..keep pushing, we are almost there.




What can I say, there ain't that many girls that can get dirty like I can. :)

...With A Purpose...

So..I just came back from my 3-week long trip and I have to admit…I’m DEPRESSED. This trip was amazing and I did not want to come back home! It changed the way I view life. This trip made me realize that for once I should be able to be selfish. To do what I want on my own time, on my own terms and all in order to fulfill my happiness.

On this trip, I passed the yellow caution tape and did spontaneous things. I traveled to places that I have never been to before and decided to do them on short notices. I’ve learned that friendships can appear in the most oddest places and have fallen in love..over and over with things. I’ve learned that you should always follow your hunch feeling and I’ve learned that what you believe should never be compromised.

The people that I have met along this trip have inspired me to follow my dreams, even if it means risking all that I have here at home. Every single person breezes through your life for some sort of purpose and I believe that the people on my trip were a sense of encouragement. The thing that I see by living at home is comfort. I have it good here in Hawaii. I have family, friends, a job that I love, a good network and a degree to finish. This trip has truly pushed my determination to go and chase after that dream..even if it means starting from the very bottom with no one to depend.

I did a lot of thinking during this 3-week journey and I’m really glad that this trip help put things into perspective. Before I went on this trip, I thought to myself, "this trip should be with purpose." My best friend (of more than 17 years) helped me appreciate our close knit love. This woman would do anything for me and I would do the same without a doubt but our trip to the bay area gave us a chance to get away. A chance to take couple of days out of our familiar scene to explore onto new territory, to venture out. One thing that I have learned from her during this trip is that no matter where you grew up, what people say about you, and what you have at the moment...when you have a dream, go for it. She has made me realize that you have to make things happen and to always think high and above of what your full potential could be...That anything is possible and the love of your family/friends will always be there to guide you through the stormiest weather.

I can't even put into the words when describing the friendships that I had made throughout this trip. I met the most amazing people and it rings true.."it don't matter where you are, its the people that you roll with" that makes the event more enjoyable. I was fortunate to have met the most down to earth, real, and fun people on this trip. I got to reconnect with some old ones and boy did the good times keep flowing. I spent a crap load of money in California but like a good friend told me, "you can always make the money back but you can't make up for loss times," which is so true. As I think back at all of the random trips that I have taken, all the risks that I needed to take in order to make those trips, situations where we ran into the law, the body bruises, sleepless nights, late night food binges...I would not trade any of those good memories for anything.

I've been away from the east coast for 6 years and being there has made me realize that without the sense of family, there is no self-identity. There were so many late-night talks that consisted of laughs, tears, beers, shots and ono food. I've always known my daddy's side as the family that is laid back, adaptable and full of heartache. My daddy's side has experienced so much hardship (what family doesn't) but what I've realized that makes my family so unique is that no matter what, we have always pulled it back together and have supported each other every step of the way. From domestics, bad habits, failed marriages and lives that have been cut short...each individual could have not made it through if it weren't for the love. We talked about the past, the present, what could've been and what could be. It made me conceptualize the meaning of time and how its so valuable. I mean I've always known the value of time but I've been in the constant hustle and grind, leaving my family on the sidelines. I'm glad that I got to reconnect with my aunties and my cousins. My aunties made me realize how strong my back bone is and has made me appreciate the experiences that has made me into who I'am. My cousins on the other hand made me realize my values/morals and how to use them in order to be what to I want to eventually become.

As you can see, I did a lot of thinking in order to justify what should be done in order to live a happy life. I may not know a lot of things but I really don't care about the fame, money, materialistic things or the looks because who needs recognition, financial status can be taken away, the value of material things whether out over time and looks can only get you so far. Since I've been back home, I've promised myself to start living to my own standards, to my own beat, and to start living it with a purpose.

"Nice Guys"

So a friend of mine wrote about how some women have forgotten or ignored about the very few “nice guys” that are out there. However, I beg to differ on his claims.

Every girl sets their standards of what they want in a guy. Often times when girls are young, their standards are not as reasonable to standards set by mature older women. This is one of the many steps of trial and error in growing up and in relationships. All in the all TIMING IS EVERYTHING and maybe some people need to just speak up.

Almost every boy growing up has a girl best friend. This girl could be considered as one of the boys because she keeps that feminine taste with a rugged edge. So you fell for her and always tended to her needs, whether it was to keep her company while shopping to wiping her tears away when a guy took her for granted. You confided in her friends and the boys that you liked her but never dared to tell her because you were afraid of rejection, that the feelings weren’t mutual. So you kept your distance and tried as much as you could to keep things normal… even though you knew that she had a sense of how you felt about her.

She then found a guy that she had fallen head over heels for. He seemed to have everything that she could ever ask for, all that she deserved. Your heart ached a little because to see her happy with someone else instead of you stung. You probably could have offered more love then that guy could ever give her but she seemed happy. The relationship that the two love birds had eventually bloomed. The one on one time between you and her eventually diminished in the process.

So you reinvented yourself in order to win girls like her. You tried to be like that one boyfriend she had because you believed that it is what girls liked. You’ve grown up…You are earning yourself a living, you have your own place, switched up your style and have had your share of girls but yet you are living this lifestyle alone. You probably are hitting up the bars, drinking your problems away, and looking in all the wrong places trying to find a girl just like her but you just can’t seem to find someone even close.

The girl did not ignore you, you DECIDED to move on without her. She never took you for granted, she was just not aware of how you felt. Yeah, she saw the signs but then again maybe she was afraid of losing you. Maybe she felt that a risk like that would mean risking losing you if it didn’t work out. She took into consideration your countless efforts of devotion but maybe she wanted to see how far you would go to prove how much you cared for her. You were the one that gave up and never thought about keeping the friendship flame lit. Fact is maybe her being with another guy was an ultimate test for you to show how much you loved her.

So the guy that she had fallen hard for is no longer in the picture because what she thought she wanted was superficial. Maybe she realized that the good looks, deep pockets and sense of style of the former boyfriend just didn't satisfy her the way she thought that it could. Maybe it made her miss gestures of a true gentlmen that you have showed her. Maybe it was your company that made her realize how a girl needed to be treated but when she finally came back knocking on your doorstep to admit her mistake, your personal changes became something she did not want to be acquainted with. She did not want you to alter yourself in order to confrom to a mold that she once thought would be her match. All she wanted was just you, perfectly the way you are.

Things happen for reason. After all, she may still have those feelings for you deep down. She has to have a special place for her former best friend. Maybe you both needed time to grow up, experience lessons of life in order to appreciate the company and friendship that you folks once had.


Sincerly,

The girl that saw it all happen


p.s. "nice guys finish last but you'll be happy when you see who has been waiting for you at the finish line. "

Without The Triumph

Aggravated that we are here again.
The conversation sounds familiar?
Maybe because we thought this was resolved but yet some people have a hard time letting things go.
What do you want me to do?
I cant change the past, we both were wrong.
I have so much love for you but we cant go back.
We cant have time stand still for us.
It kills me because as much as I think we are okay, the tone in your voice says it all and I know that things are not the same.
I never changed, I just adapted to my environment but the girl that you once loved is still here. She just grew up.
Our lives are different now, I know what you are thinking but that does not mean that my heart has closed its doors.
It will always have a special place for you…I will always be here for you.
Do not say those things to me.
You know the things that you try to say...they just give the situation false hope.
I really don’t want to hear your empty promises.
Be real with me. Tell me what you think is really best.
You know that I have bent over backwards for you time and time again.
I tried to support your dreams even if it meant putting mines on hold.
I’ve secluded myself from my other friendships and relationships just to tend to yours.
I know that I didn’t have to but yet when you asked for me to be by your side..I didn't have to fulfill your needs but deep in my heart, I knew that you really needed me.
Lets go back to our conversations where all we needed to do was sit and enjoy the scenery—those were the best conversations because we knew exactly what the other person was thinking without saying a word.
This is reality for us and I guess we are not comprehending it as well as we should but then again our life would not be as exciting without the triumph.

R.I.Paradise MJ

Thanks MJ for everything that you have done in the music industry and for humanitarianism.
I still can't believe that you are gone.
Even though I did not know you personally, you were involved in every aspect of my life through song.
You will truly be missed.

A little late, now never

Every single thing that can screw up a relationship, I have been through.
I’ve always fell victim to giving people second, third, fourth, fifth, and even sixth chances.
Maybe it is because I believe that people make honest mistakes but then again maybe it is because in actuality--it is because I think they will eventually realize the love that is standing in front of them.
Past relationships has made me very guarded and things that guys think are so smooth don’t work on me.
When it comes to taking chances on love I steer around it and try to avoid it at all costs.
I have filled the void of love by concentrating on school and my career.
My drive to better myself and to get ahead in this world has dampened the relationships that I have had with my past significant others and love prospects so I have often relied on the love of my friends and family because they have always understood.
I have only been in a few relationships but all of them have been over a 2 years. I have looked at each one thinking about the long run but things happen and paths end up paved in the opposite directions.
With every relationship failed, I have recollected myself and have pieced everything back together but the walls around my heart grew higher and my guards reinforced.
I tried to keep a secret to myself but feelings formed.
I asked questions and my interest grew.
Priorities and fear intertwined which held me back.
But I built up the courage to take a risk that I have never taken before.
I placed my heart up on a stage for this one person, our friends and for curious onlookers to see.
I risked it by allowing my heart to be so vulnerable without knowing the other person that well and with no preconceived knowledge of how the other person felt, it is like almost asking to be publicly humiliated—walking in blind. but...
It was now or never.
I prepared myself for his words of rejection but little did I know I was the center of disappointment.
A million things raced through my head as I tried to explain where I was coming from.
Suggestions, enlightenment, and hypothetical questions have been brought up repeatedly from more than one source yet everything came down to he and I.
The stories that I have heard were true when we spoke, his mindset sounded similar to mine.
It is hard to go on a hunch that you are unsure of in the first place.
It just happened and I just did not want to look back at this opportunity and regret not doing anything about it…
But…I gave a little too late.
Even though things did not pan out, I have to remember that things happen for a reason and that I tried to offer all that I've got to his table.
I’m disappointed at myself for letting my fear get the best of me.
Maybe things would have been different, maybe.
But then again I just need to pick up the pieces and move forward.
This hits me hard because I’m never the type to chase and yet when I finally decide to pursue, it becomes a case of trial and error.
People were put into your life for a reason and maybe he is my omen of “you never know until you try.”
Wrong timing? Without a doubt.
What was I thinking? With my heart.
Heartbroken? Unexpectedly.


If YOU are reading this:
Take a chance like I have. I know that you are trying to protect yourself but you will be missing out in ways, I guess...because I missed out on getting to know you better. I’ve learned a lesson from this. I truly hope you find success and happiness in all that you do. When you do find someone that you feel you can share your heart with, I hope they realize what a great man you are and see the qualities that I fell hard for.

Things Fall Apart..

Things have been real crazy and a constant quote has been running through my head.
“good things fall apart in order for better things to come together.”
Soul searching is what I need.
Time for me, where I just sit on the beach and watch the sunset by myself.
I leave my TV job next week and its something that needs to be done, not by my choice but by choice for the better, school has to come first—year and half to go.
MA in hand! Hopefully.
Didn’t care about the money, didn’t ask for benefits because in the end, I loved what I did. How many people can say that they love going to their job every single day?
I feel like I’m kissing my dream job goodbye but things happen for a reason.
At least the bff from SD was here when everything went down, damn I miss her already.
Bffs since the first grade, you can’t get any tighter than that. LOL.
We for sure drank the BS down and hopped around. In the end of it all, the BS didn’t matter—good company and good times was all we needed.
I finally grew balls and did something that I’ve never done before.
I attempted to overcome one of my fears but damn, rejection hurts. LOL!
Oh well, you just got to get back up, dust off and move forward with your head held high.
Standards v.s. Preferences.
I’ve learned a lot about myself this past week and have had some things said to my face that I never thought would be said.
But it opened my eyes a bit, thanks Ian.
Even though Christian had to hold me back – that shit had truth ring to it.
Wish you picked a better place to tell me all that crap, cause it made me note that I need to let stuff like that go and to aim high.
You got a punk ass way of joking about it when we all knew you meant it. Haha!
Had my phone break, my car damaged, while working constantly/absurd shifts.
Can anything else go wrong..ahhh! haha!
Family is down for vacay and damn it made me realize how much I missed my mom and pops from VA.
Pops stuffing money in my pocket under the table while mom still offers her shoulder to lean on while rubbing my head as I start to get sleepy. I love my grandparents. :)
Change is inevitable but do we welcome it with open arms?
Some no. Me sort of, depends.
But I’ve realized that pain is only temporary and that what they say is true..what doesnt kill you will only make you stronger.



You're telling me I got a lot to gain
And this feeling that I feel its only temporary pain
But when a heart is breaking dont they all just break the same?
Im no exception to the simple rules that have already been laid

Time Flys...

Time passes by so fast. As we get older the faster it seems to fly. It is weird how in time a lot of things change in the essence as well. Your surroundings change, your company changes, your trends change, and people change. In somewhat, not all things are bad during the cycle of change but it made me realize how time is really of the essence when it comes your happiness.

I stumbled across a letter that one of my best friends had written me for my high school graduation. As I think about it, we were really close but it seemed that after high school, we seemed to run out things to talk about and that soon faded into no communication at all. It made me think about all the things I’ve ever wanted to do but never had the time to accomplish due to time constraints. It’s not that I don’t value time, its just that I feel like I don’t have enough of it to do everything that I need to do and that seems to effect my relationships with other people.

Working 8-16 hour shifts have been killing me but its better to be constantly on the grind making money to pay for the bills, right? This morning I did some jobs over the internet for work but called off my morning shift at the financial firm all because I’ve been running on only a few hours of sleep. I thought about it long and hard and lately I’ve been running on 5 or less hours of sleep. I constantly have things on my mind, constantly prepping things or working on things while my friends go out and party the night away or enjoy the summer heat at the beach. People think just because I get paid to party it up in the clubs that one of my job is so glamorous but what they don’t realize is that the amount of good shots that I get is what makes my paycheck and going out to the clubs screws up my body clock since I have a day job. The job is fun but I have to hustle to get paid.

I’ve got a lot on my plate with the various different jobs but I just wish that I could slow time down for a bit, just so that I can enjoy things just a little bit longer. I contacted that one long lost friend that wrote me that one graduation letter and we said that we would meet up to reconnect but we will see if time permits that. :/

A lot of things on my plate, just trying to consume it all.

“Who needs sleep. We can rest when we die.”

I Would Risk It But...

In my life I’ve taken some risks here and there but it’s safe to say that I’ve stayed away from situations where I could potentially get hurt. There have been some situations I still wonder about but it is too late to go back. Things happen for a reason, that’s true but I always wonder what could have happened if I built up the courage to pursue it.

When it comes to love, I’ve always been scared. Maybe my past experiences has something to do with it but past experiences should never prohibit me (or so I say) but I feel like I’ve learned my lessons and should remain very cautious. Some people think that I have walls around my heart, little do they know I have mountains made out of boulders. I rarely find people’s words genuine and I have trouble trusting people in this crazy world of ours. But there is this one person that has made me throw out everything that I have ever known out the door, just to take a risk. A leap of faith.

To that someone:
I know that we may not be on the same page when it comes to love but know this…I could care less if you feel like you have nothing to offer me because in the end, I just want you. Nothing satisfies my soul as much as your company. Let’s reconnect on your own time. I’m not in a rush but I just don’t want an opportunity to pass me by. I just want you to know how I feel before it’s too late. I know that time may be our enemy at the moment but together we can slow it down a bit. You give me butterflies that come alive only when you are around. I’m nervous to look you in the eyes because I feel transparent with that stare of yours and when you touch me, I try hard not to push away because as much as I love it, I’m afraid you’ll feel the pace of my heartbeat. I don’t know how you feel but I’m tired of playing it safe. I’ve never done this before but even if I’m left with nothing at all, I’m willing to take this risk just for you.

i've noticed...

Now that summer is officially here, I've been spending more time with family. People would think that since school is out, that I would be letting loose but working 16-hour days have worn me out a bit.

After a workout session, My cousin and I went and ate Genki. After that we ate some yogurt.

We had some interesting conversation topics and it hit me when she said, "you make the game into an art." I've noticed that since I was 15, I've worked my ass off in order to take care of myself and my responsibilities. I've always been so caught up in the hustle that sometimes I've never stopped to smell the flowers, to pause for a bit and appreciate the little things. Spending time with family these past couple weeks have made be realize that no matter who breaks my heart, with all of my flaws, no matter what happens, they will always be there--to love me unconditionally.

My cousin also noted that I always have to be doing something because it makes me feel as if "I'm being productive." That may be the case but as I think about it, I'm constantly on the grind because it keeps me occupied and sometimes it fills the void of not having a significant other. However, what i fear the most is that I will be where I want to be career-wise and I will be there all alone--no one to share it with. But what can I say, things like love have become more complicated as I've got older and rarely do you find genuine people that want to know the real you without having alternative motives. My cousin (who is also my best friend) says that I get bored easily which is true but its because I have to be stimulated intellectually. In the end if a person and I can hours of wonderful conversation over topics that go up and down the range, then you got me on the hook. Because appearance can fade, the financial situation can disintegrate, and people can only talk so much. For me countless conversation leads to trust because conversation reveals so much about a person and gives you an idea of why they are the way they are.

"when it hits, you have to make it worth the fall"